Does your SO have a right to interfere with parenting issues with your kids?

[BigT]

@CairoCarol

To those who say “eh, no big deal, it was an interaction between two adults”, I say: does one adult going up to another adult and saying “YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS THING THAT I SAY YOU WILL DO, BECAUSE YOU ARE A DUMBASS IF YOU DON’T” sound like a healthy interaction between two adults? It doesn’t to me.

Unfortunately, it does to several people. It’s sad.

[DivineComedienne]

@MsWhatsit

(It’s Asperger’s.)

Oh, thanks, I always do that.

[Muffin]

I trust that you will find a different job for him, given that the one he has got him smoking.

[shiftless]

@DivineComedienne

IHis friends didn’t start him smoking. He has a job as a smoking aide at a nursing home; every two hours, he wheels the residents who smoke outside, supervises their smoking and lights the cigarettes. I can see how he’d become curious about smoking, and then try it. But I can also see how he would view first-hand the effects of smoking after years and years by observing the residents, and I can’t see how he’d then continue.

Wow. What a uniquely smokey job. It would be hard to resist trying smoking when everyone around you is doing it. Those old folks have been doing it for years and they don’t look any worse than the nonsmoking residents I bet.

[Muffin]

Why did you let him take a job that would excessively expose him to second hand smoke?

[Vihaga]

@Diogenes_the_Cynic

If someone told you to put down the bagel, would you expect your mommy to come running to protect you?

That depends. Am I in a situation where I’m financially dependent on and care about the person the bagel-snatcher is dating? Am I in a situation where I might not be sure that I DO have the right to tell the bagel snatcher to piss the hell off without putting my living situation and family relationships in peril? If I invited someone into my house (say, my mother) and they started lecturing my husband about something, I’d want to know, because it’s simply not their place as a guest to issue orders to members of the household.
I think the OP has a vested interest in how her boyfriend talks to her sons in her house. Surely not every single parent who dates is at all looking for someone to fill in as a surrogate father.

[Wallenstein]

@DivineComedienne

His friends didn’t start him smoking. He has a job as a smoking aide at a nursing home; every two hours, he wheels the residents who smoke outside, supervises their smoking and lights the cigarettes. I can see how he’d become curious about smoking, and then try it. But I can also see how he would view first-hand the effects of smoking after years and years by observing the residents, and I can’t see how he’d then continue.

I would not let my 15 /old work in a job like that. There does appear to be some inappropriate parenting going on here, but I’m not sure it’s your SO… :eek:

I think you are underestimating the ability of the average teenager to reflect on long-term risks in the latter part of your statement.

[Mama_Zappa]

@Diogenes_the_Cynic

I have to concur with those who say that this not a parenting issue, so that is the wrong context for discussion. Your son is an adult, not a child, and you’re SO was addressing him man to man, not parent to child. I don’t see this as an intrusion on your relationship with your son, but an expression of a relationship between two adults.

I disagree.

Let me preface this with the comment that I am VERY opposed to smoking, grew up in a household with a mother who smoked like a chimney (and ultimately died of the habit), and I am often tempted to screech at random smoking strangers that they’re MORONS (but I don’t…).

You do NOT go into a friend’s face and say “YOU WILL QUIT. NOW”. You might say “dude, you’re an idiot, you’re gross, and you’re making your mother unhappy and you are going to kill yourself in any of several very nasty ways. Please quit. I will help you any way I can.”.

It would almost be better to look at it from a parent/child perspective, where such a demand WOULD be appropriate.

But looking at it from that perspect, the boyfriend really is NOT in that kind of relationship or position of authority with the son - and as such it was really inappropriate behavior.

So I’m torn. Inappropriate action leads to highly desired consequences.

Time for a discussion with the boyfriend. And I do mean discussion, not argument.

[Diogenes_the_Cynic]

You are you to say what kind of talk is appropriate between other adults? How is it anyone else’s business but their own?

[Mama_Zappa]

@Diogenes_the_Cynic

You are you to say what kind of talk is appropriate between other adults? How is it anyone else’s business but their own?

Seriously? Seriously???

1. age 20, and a fellow presumably old enough to be his father, is NOT a relationship among adults. It is FAR more like a parent/child relationship.

2. Assuming you (hypothetical “you”, not you personally) ARE an adult, if you had a habit such as smoking or drinking, which is provably harmful but legal, who the hell has the right to ORDER you to quit? It may be another adult telling you this, but he has no right whatsoever to issue such an edict.

So - this situation fails in either case.

[papergirl]

First of all, what your SO did is just bad parenting. Does anyone seriously think that taking that kind of attitude with a 20 year old (or anyone over the age of 13) is going to work? If it were man-to-man, maybe it would be different, but it wasn’t. The relationship between your SO and your son is not man-to-man, it’s in that nebulous, hard-to-define area of Mom’s guy-she’s-dating and the kid who still lives at home. Your SO is not going to be able to establish a parent/child relationship with this kid at this point, nor should he try to. It may suck to be the SO who has to stand by and not intervene when you assume you know how to handle things better, but that’s the nature of the relationship when you date someone who has kids. Trust me, it sucks just as much to have someone standing by assuming that he knows better than you do every time you make a parenting decision.
Second, and this is a big one, your guy has attempted to override your parenting style with his own. You have a way of dealing with your son, and have had years of experience with him, and if an authoritarian style of bossing him right the hell around worked, maybe you would already have done it. But you don’t. And it is not your boyfriend’s place to come into your home and start laying down the law with ANYONE–your children, your friends, your neighbors. It’s not his home, you aren’t married, and it is simply is not his place.
I’d be frank with him about the whole parenting issue. Unless you are getting married/living together, he doesn’t need to attempt to parent your kids. That’s your job and your responsibility, and if he has an issue with the way you handle it, he should talk to YOU about it. If you DO someday marry him, then you have a whole different set of cactus to walk through barefoot, and good luck with that. I’m sure it can be done successfully, but I have two young kids myself, and I sure wouldn’t attempt it.

[Agent_Violet]

i don’t think SO’s have any rights to interfere with parenting issues.

The way we do it in our house: husband is in charge of his kid and i’m in charge of my kid. I don’t subscribe to the particularly indulgent,“i’m your best friend not your parent” brand of fathering my spouse utlizes with his kid while using the “this child needs tough love and a firm hand” brand of parenting with my child.
I told him to back off and mind his own child and i’ll mind mine.

In my opinion, that’s the way it should be. Your SO was WAY out of line.

[Diogenes_the_Cynic]

Once again, it’s not a parenting issue. You don’t “parent” 20 year olds.

[Rachellelogram]

@Diogenes_the_Cynic

Once again, it’s not a parenting issue. You don’t “parent” 20 year olds.

Wee ooh wee ooh! :mad:Red:mad: alert! Dio Show spotted! :o

If it were anyone else asserting ridiculous black and white notions in an attempt to ruin the OP’s thread, I’d ask them if they had any disabled children. But I’m not asking you this, because I refuse to feed your ego and further derail the thread. Besides, I know you don’t have any disabled children.

[Vihaga]

@Diogenes_the_Cynic

Once again, it’s not a parenting issue. You don’t “parent” 20 year olds.

Fine then. Let’s pretend that the 20 year old is not, in fact, the OP’s son, but is a relative, say a cousin, who lives with her and who is financially dependent upon her. Because of his close relationship with her and his dependence on her, do you see how he might be reluctant to tell her boyfriend to piss off with his unwanted advice, even if boyfriend deserves to be told to piss off? In this case, the boyfriend, as a guest of the OP, is treating a member of the household badly, and family dynamics prevent that member of the household from responding as they would if a random stranger had treated them similarly.
This situation could pretty much apply to almost any situation in which a guest of one person living in a house decided to intimidate or order around another member. The person hosting the rude guest has a responsibility to see to it that the guest understands that they do not, in fact, have the right to treat people who live in the house badly. It’s a basic tenet of being a good guest. Because the other members of the household may be understandably reluctant to defend themselves, as they don’t want to offend the person paying their bills, the OP has an obligation to deal with her unruly guest if she feels he was rude to someone else living there.

[PunditLisa]

Surely there’s a middle ground between the impotent, “Oh, well, he’s an adult and can make his own decisions.” and the heavy-handed, “YOU WILL GIVE UP SMOKING!” approaches.

[AlienVessels]

@Diogenes_the_Cynic

You are you to say what kind of talk is appropriate between other adults? How is it anyone else’s business but their own?

These aren’t randomly selected adults. There are existing relationships. The SO’s behavior would certainly be a factor in the future nature of those relationships.

IMO, the SO staged an impromptu intervention and maybe it worked. On the other hand, maybe it just served to nudge the son into announcing a decision that won’t materialize without more nudging.

Seems like an asshole move to me.

[AClockworkMelon]

@rachelellogram

Wee ooh wee ooh! :mad:Red:mad: alert! Dio Show spotted! :o

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

[Czarcasm]

@rachelellogram

Wee ooh wee ooh! :mad:Red:mad: alert! Dio Show spotted! :o

If it were anyone else asserting ridiculous black and white notions in an attempt to ruin the OP’s thread, I’d ask them if they had any disabled children. But I’m not asking you this, because I refuse to feed your ego and further derail the thread. Besides, I know you don’t have any disabled children.

Take the snide “Dio Show” attacks to The BBQ Pit-they do not belong here. I suggest you concentrate on the topic of the thread instead of your personal feelings about other posters.

[Diogenes_the_Cynic]

@AlienVessels

These aren’t randomly selected adults. There are existing relationships. The SO’s behavior would certainly be a factor in the future nature of those relationships.

IMO, the SO staged an impromptu intervention and maybe it worked. On the other hand, maybe it just served to nudge the son into announcing a decision that won’t materialize without more nudging.

Seems like an asshole move to me.

I think the question of whether it’s assholish is a separate issue from whether it’s appropriate for him to say anything to the son. I don’t really see it as any different from one of the son’s friends saying it to him.