I think this may be an area to tread lightly on your son’s feelings. Leaving his home may be harder on him than you may think, or he may be letting on. Is this the fight to really have- uprooting him from his home if financially you don’t have to, for an extra few months?
I guess I’m biased since my (now) husband and I made some financial sacrifices to allow his ex to not sell their house in order to keep their child in his childhood home all through school (they separated when he was 4).
I am sensitive to that, and we have been discussing it with him. It’s a sensitive topic right now. My position is really in the “sooner than that” column, not the “now!” column. The house is impractical enough, and we’ve had enough infrastructure problems (legion), that we would have needed to move at some point anyway, before he was out of his current school. It’s gotten too expensive even if we stay together.
Hopefully you’ll be able to come to some resolution you both can live with. The mediator sounds experienced, so he should know what he’s doing!
Good luck- hope it goes as smoothly as posissible.
Frankly, it sounds like it was expensive and particularly practical while your were still there too. And you saying this option is “not defensible” is a red flag that mediation may not go well. It is certainly “defensible” as has already been demonstrated in this thread.
I’d agree that it’s not defensible if you can make a case that the expense of maintaining it will make it impossible to find another reasonable place nearby. You want a place nice enough and spacious for your child to stay their while staying with you.
Watch your tone. You don’t want to use terms like “indefensible” during this process. It will antagonize your soon-to-be ex.
This is a much stronger argument for selling the place than the first one you used.
Another reason to sell later is that the housing needs will be different if the boy goes away to college and if he doesn’t. The first version needs a guest room; the second needs his room(s).
He won’t go to college for 3 years. And I expect either or both of us would retain a room for him wherever we each live well into his college years.
My experience is that the mediator will allow you to do whatever the two of you agree to, however unconventional, so long as it’s legal. If you both agree to differ from the standard child support/alimony/retirement savings splitting you can. His/her written report is then sent to each of your individual attorneys (who can then council you with a slap to the upside & a “What were you thinking?”)
Be careful about agreeing to remain in the same school district. If your job situation changes &/or you find the perfect place to live on the wrong side of a street, you are handcuffed. Don’t make your desire to keep junior in the same school a requirement on you if it’s not in your best interest due to some future, unpredicted situation change.
It’s pretty standard for each party to have their own counsel in mediation (if you can afford it). You need someone who knows the law and is looking out for your best interests. The mediator is acting as an impartial go-between. Don’t think of it as adding more fights, think of it as someone who is in your corner and looking out for you.
Family lawyers will try to solve the problem, and since each party will have his or her own lawyer, that will help prevent either side from getting screwed. If despite the lawyers’ best efforts the parties still cannot come to an agreement, a mediator can step in. If the mediator is the type who simply ensures that both parties have the opportunity to speak, then mediation will not do much to help improve negotiations by parties who have lawyers, however, if the mediator is the type who engages the parties and presents informed opinions on the various proposals and compromises, often the mediator will help the parties get over the final hurdles, for parties often dismiss opposing party’s and opposing party’s lawyer’s opinions, but tend to give more weight to mediator’s opinions. Since litigation is very expensive, it is well worth bringing in a mediator if the lawyers can’t get their clients to settle, provided that there are not power and control issues, abuse issues, or imbalances arising out of one or the other or both parties being bat-shit crazy.
Christ, it’s impossible to find a lawyer sooner than 4 weeks from now. I also went through the county bar association referral service, and nobody’s called me 4 days later.
I thought there was a lawyer surplus in this country?