Yeah, it’s just so stunningly over the top. There are parents who stick by their kids no matter what and apparently one who is willing to abandon their children because of a relatively minor misstep.
Teenagers experiment, teenagers make mistakes big and little. I think that if you’re ready to abandon them at the first bump in the road, then maybe it’s time to admit that motherhood wasn’t for you. What you do with that information now that you have kids is probably better left to therapy.
The Pit thread brought me here. I hadn’t seen this thread before, and I don’t think I’ve ever before seen such obtuse behavior from a parent.
I know a bunch of people who smoke weed, many of them on a regular basis. They have different jobs, different interests, and come from diverse national backgrounds. About the only thing they all have in common is advanced degrees, above-average incomes, and happy family lives.
Grr! Started a pit thread because I asked if her son still used drugs and she had to say yes
When I found a weirdly-shaped grape on my vine I took a picture of it and texted it to a few friends, but maybe I should have put it on an altar and requested tex-exempt religious status.
Although really, if one were to worship a food item, it should be this. It’s already named appropriately.
Ever hear of the choom gang? How did pot ruin Barack Obama?
A dose of truth, perhaps? How many alcoholics are in your close knit drug free family?
OK.
Looks like you’ve chosen.
Did your kids know that you would cut them off emotionally if they ever took drugs? You should have sat them down and said, “If you ever do drugs – any kind of drugs, including marijuana – I won’t love you anymore. I will disown you in every way that matters. I MIGHT still speak to you, if you’re lucky, but I will not give a crap about you any more.”
Then they would never be close to you again, the way my sister and I are not close to my parents, and might consider suicide fairly strongly (neither my sister and I ever got close enough to actually do anything, but we definitely thought about it pretty hard), and they may well be in therapy for the rest of their lives and deal with chronic stress-induced illness that destroys their life (my sister), but at least I bet they wouldn’t be doing drugs!
Some people have a genetic disposition to addictive behaviors. While choice is certainly part of the equations, it’s not the only factor. And 15 year old brains don’t work the same way that adult brains work, so choice is a different kettle of fish for adolescents. Bottom line, drug use by teens isn’t just a choice. And while it can and does have impacts on brain development and long term success it’s not a black and white equation. You seem to have sought out research and counseling that supports your preconceived notions and have rejected any that contradicts them.
And it’s your right to do so. But don’t expect praise or comfort from a wide audience when you use poor logic, cherry-picked research, and a dogmatic approach to discipline to support cutting off kids who need guidance now more than ever.
No, I don’t think that being gay is a choice. But many people do have erroneous beliefs about being gay, just like people have erroneous beliefs about drug use and long term life impact. Either way I view casting off adolescent children for poor choices as a failure on the part of the parents.
Grrr! is a he.
Also, I didn’t “have” to do anything. I’m proud of my son and am quite happy to share it with you. My motivations for starting that thread were because I find your tactics quite pit-worthy, as do others in that thread.
So what?
Well, this thread went south.
I was initially sympathetic to the OP because I have very similar feelings about smoking. I don’t have kids, but I think, what if my nieces were to take up smoking?
I’d be very disappointed.
I’d worry about their health, lifelong, and I’d worry about other choices.
I’d especially worry about the teenaged brain taking up an addiction that is so hard to quit. (As I said upthread, I tend to see pot as a gateway to tobacco.)
But I thought the “I’m done with my sons” was hyperbole written in a moment of anger and frustration. The last several posts make me think it was serious, that they’re now tainted, impure children, and the focus goes to the pure, untainted nieces. That’s just appalling.
I have an alcoholic cousin. Her father doesn’t support her at all. Not a matter of boundaries or anything, just… he loves her, but makes no effort to be a presence in her life, because it’s difficult and he doesn’t want to deal with it. Which is probably one of the reasons she’s an alcoholic in the first place; her brother is also a hot mess.
“No smoking in my house” is a reasonable rule.
“No smoking while you’re under 18” is a reasonable rule.
But of course teenagers are going to have a skewed view of what is cool: getting a rise out of you is a major way of asserting power. Finding a different worldview is a major way of establishing identity, even if they’re only following the herd.
What I’d want to know is why they chose this path, why they hid it, why it’s so important to them. You can’t find that out with the lines of communication down. You should tell them every day that you love them despite the collossally stupid decisions they are making, and that you’ll be there to pick up the pieces even if they become a loser pothead working the overnight shift at the 7-11 until they die of lung cancer in their 40s. And you should mean it (the support part, not the dying part). Because knowing you’ll love them no matter what helps them to avoid total commitment to that path.
It sounds like your counsellor is focused more on the addiction issues than the family dynamics, or at least that’s your takeaway. That’s a fine concern, but please take the time to consider that you’re not 100% right here. Ignore the pile-on from the really judgemental people here—this happens in every advice thread. People can be jerks. But do see that there’s a pattern, and maybe learn from it.
And apologize to your kids. They screwed up: no matter how common an experience it is, they shouldn’t have done this while in your house. But there’s no teenager ever who hasn’t somehow done something really stupid, and getting them to adulthood means helping them through it, not giving up.
I gave my kids The Talk a decade ago. Said my biggest concern is they not get addicted to anything, and that they stay healthy.
Talked about the dangers of marijuana (mild); alcohol (serious); and cigarettes (horribly addicting). I ended with “So, if I catch you smoking, it just better not be tobacco!”
But distancing myself from them when they probably need someone to talk to, someone to care about them? That would be the stupidest thing I could do… and probably goes in the “evil” category.
Smoking cigarettes was the big “do not cross” line with my oldest. I started when she was very young. She knew my views, and that it was the worst thing she could ever do. We joked about it, talked about it, and I thought we had an agreement. She came home from college a smoker (a pretty casual smoker, but still…)
I was upset. I was disappointed. I worried about her future. I never, for a minute, took it personally or considered ending my relationship with one of the three most important people in my life. I let her know how I felt, and urged her to stop. She eventually did.
You’re lucky she had self-control and valued her health.
With young people, it sometimes takes time. That’s why they have parents; to support them, worry about them, and pick them up when they fall. Not all kids do dumb things, but it’s not exactly rare.
Declanium, if you’ve read my posts on this thread, you know I’ve been sympathetic to the dilemma and that I agree that THC is bad for kids. I thought the bitterness in your responses was a reaction to the rather harsh criticism you’ve received here. Now I feel even sorrier for you because I think your anger, however righteous you believe it is, is going to be cold comfort when you don’t have your sons. Since your husband has such different views and WILL continue to have a relationship with the people you two brought into this world, I can’t help wondering if he’ll stick around.
And there you’ll be, all alone with your bitterness and self-righteous anger. I find that terribly depressing.
You have the opportunity here to learn your way into becoming a bigger, better person. If you refuse to do so, you’ll be punishing yourself as much as your sons.
Just for the record, I suggested you make them brownies in response to your silly nonsense argument that your concern was regarding their lungs. Your demonic decision to discard your children for mere pot use aside, I’m chronically unimpressed with silly nonsense. You have a problem with THC, fine. You have your reasons. “Bad for their lungs” can’t possibly be on the top of the list.
I rarely go to the Pit. I did today because I saw there was a pit thread about you, Declenium, and I expected there might be some overly-harsh criticism. It’s not what others posted there that changed my mind, it’s your posts.
First, you should realize that the “dealer” you’re so irate about is almost certainly another kid, quite possibly one you’re convinced is a find, upstanding, non-weed-smoking teen. I taught high school for a very long time, and the kids dealing weed were often kids you’d never guess were dealers.
Second, you say your husband is in denial. I’d say he’s not. I’d say given the fact he’s got addicts in the family, he recognizes a real potentially addictive situation and knows this isn’t necessarily one of them, he’s not in denial at all. I think YOU are the one in denial because you seem to think the world is an After School Special. Again, I agree with you that THC is bad for kids. I don’t think it’s a good idea for parents to smoke weed with their kids. You’ve jumped the shark here, though, and are apparently too stubborn to realize it.
You suggested in the Pit thread that maybe you should leave your family. I never, ever thought I’d condone something like this, but if you’re truly done with your sons, the family really would be better off without a mother who says, “I’m fine with missing my son’s events. And who are we kidding? He’s not getting married. He will barely be able to take care of himself. Why would he couple up? Unless it’s another pothead.” You’ll do more harm to your kids in the future by sticking around with that attitude.
You say your you and your kids made cocoa and had a lovely Hallmark time before Christmas. You’re so focused on the lie they were living at the time that you’ve ignored your own.
2 of the many, many excellent posts in this thread.
When I was really young, I was scared of people I knew doing drugs. They would become alien, I thought, possessed by this thing, and I wouldn’t know them anymore. They would turn into strangers, pod people, hijacked by this thing that changes their brains and makes them different. They wouldn’t be the same people anymore. I begged my first boyfriend never to do it, and I was angry when he didn’t listen. It was because I didn’t have any experience in it and I didn’t understand that he was the same person whether he smoked pot or not.
So I sympathise with her. What changed my mind was getting experience. I was with my friends, they nonchalantly passed around a tiny nub of a joint, I smoked it - they laughed because I didn’t inhale correctly - and that was that. I laughed a lot with my friends, and the next day woke up as - me.
I am getting impatient with everyone calling her a troll.
What if she isn’t? Then all of the people who are calling her a troll are actively driving her away from reasonable discussion.
And what if she is? We’re all engaging in theoretical discussions all the time. I could be a nine foot talking llama wearing rainbow knee socks. Does it make a lick of difference regarding what I say here, no it does not. I think we should all seriously engage with these things because it could be true.
She is actually responding, I think she’s typing on a mobile phone which is why her responses are sometimes short with breaks at the end of the line. I think she’s deeply distressed about it all.
I maintain that she should find a legal dispensary, have a square of chocolate, and find out that it’s not such a big deal. I know it’s a scary thing to do, changing the opinion of a lifetime, and it does feel like a huge concession. But I think she loves them, and I think they love her, and it would be a mature and reasonable thing to do, to reach out in that way. She doesn’t even have to tell anyone she did it.