Ok, so mabye were not so anonymous.
Anyways, I’m the first member, yay!
Were gonna need a 12 step program…
Silo, If we’re gonna do this, I think we should do it right…
I’ll bring the fruit punch and instant coffee for the members. We need to rent(did I say rent? we’re not-for-profit, they should give it to us!), a hall near the most run-down part of town, preferably in a homeless mission so we can take in all of the sights and smells of the inner-city.
We’ll need a box of the 12-step books, and some laminated “ritual sheets” we can follow for every one of our meetings. I also suggest that we hold this meeting once a day for all of our “Chronic” dope-aholics. They’ll need the most support, you know…
Anything else?
OH! I forgot…I’m looking forward to the hand-holding-praying-in-a-circle thingie at the end! LoL 
We need to recruit weemens Silo…(best way to hook it up if you know what I mean,[greasy pimp look] “Hey, I got some straight dope for you back at my pad baby”. ‘Nudge, nudge, wink, wink’[/greasy pimp look]
-Sam
Will I have to take up smoking again? It seems like it is the thing to do at these anyomous meetings…
I’ll bring the cookies! I’d make nice gooey homemade ones, but that just seems too self-indulgent for this bunch, so how about a bag of those hard supermarket cookies?
And Gawd? I think we should all wait until we are strong and sufficiently past our addictions before trying to “hook up”.
All right! I think I’m a shoe in for the self-righteous former addict slot!
Did I say that? Oy, I think my addiction is getting WORSE not better! I was just thinking about my next post when that popped into my head, I thought I was just thinking it, but I seem to have typed it! AcK!!
Someone please sponsor me! I can’t be trusted alone at my computer anymore! See how many lives I’ve impacted? I’m a bad person…I just need my fix.
Tatertot, will you be my sponsor?
-Sam
Of course I’ll be your sponsor, Gawd. If anyone needs help, it’s you.
Okay, Step One: something about a higher power. That would be you. So…you’ve got to admit you’re powerlessness and turn yourself over to…yourself. I think we might have a bit of a problem here.
Yoo-Hoo, Gawd’s Mama, we need you in here!
The 12 steps for Dope-aholics:
- Turn the computer on
- Log onto the internet
- Go to http://www.straightdope.com
- Go to the message boards
DAMMIT! In my mind I have 12 steps for a cure, but I can’t type anything except how to get here on the web! This is the 14th time I’ve tried to type these steps! I must be worse than I thought.
It’s getting out of hand. At work, my boss asked me to file a report, I told him I couldn’t do what he asked until he clicked “submit reply” I’ve asked my girlfriend to call me BratMan007 in bed! Help me please, I need a sponsor too! GaWd, maybe we can help each other throught these hard times.
Bratman…I think we should hold hands, bow our heads and pray for clearness of mind, solidity of soul, and the will to not do what our compulsions beg us to do.
BwahahaHA! I’m a total addict…I might as well get my fix right now…
I mean BratMan, please help me to have the strength to carry on.
-Sam
Hey guys, mind if I ask a question? Have you been to bed yet, or did you wake up at this god-awful early hour just to post? Cause either way, you got problems.
-tatertot- who believes that since she posts in broad daylight she hasn’t got a problem.
Time for my excuse:
I work the graveyard! Of course, you shouldn’t be “enabling” me by letting me get away with it!
-Sam
I’m logging off now, Gawd and Bratman, I highly suggest you do the same. It’s for your own good.
If it’s too hard to log off, could you at least go read in GQ for a little while. That way, at least you’d be learning something.
Oh, and Gawd working graveyard is no excuse for excessive doping. Everyone knows that graveyard shift is for compulsive masturbators!
Hmm…well, they don’t call our Ops center the “Jack-shack” for nothin!
Besides, with such dope-ism going on, what else should I be doing when I’m not doping???
-Sam
bump! need more members
I’m Paul, and I’m a Dope-aholic.
It started out small and, like many of you, I thought I could control it. I know now that it is stronger than me.
At first I just lurked. Then the occasional “General Question” that I knew the answer to. Then I had to be first with the right answer.
My life changed for the worse (and this was the beginning of my downward spiral) when I met Flora McFlimsey. I thought she was a friend, at first, but it was she who turned me from GQ to hard-core MPSIMS.
I was hooked. I couldn’t NOT add my mundane ramblings. All my life it seemed I was only waiting for a place where mundanity was celebrated. I should have seen it then. But it was too late.
Now, having lost my job, my wife, my family, my home (well, all except my job, wife, family and home) I am finally in recovery. I only post on weekends and weekdays anymore, and never unless I’m at home or at work, or any other place that has an internet terminal.
Excuse me, I think there’s a 1000th post party somewhere. I gotta go.
The big question: What do we call ourselves? Friends of Cecil A.?
This is a Dope-aholic board, not an AA meeting.
You can bring beer and pretzels to these meetings.
Oh and BTW I went from last Friday morning to Sunday morning without the SD or the internet. I was only about 3 feet from my computer the majority of the time so I don’t think I have a problem.
I am a social Doper.
< hehe >
Good idea Mr. C!
(if you post here you’re a member!)
So far the D.A. members are:
[in alphabetical order]
BratMan007
GaWd
Mr. Cynical
pluto
Silo
tatertot
Techchick68
“My life changed for the worse (and this was the beginning of my downward spiral) when I met Flora McFlimsey.”
–Yeah, I was the sleazy broad who hung out by the schoolyard. Fresh-faced little boys like Pluto would come by and I’d seductively flip open my laptop and say, “Ya wanna try a little Dope, my sweetie?”
–The Artist Formerly Known as Flora
<Closes the door behind herself quietly and looks around sheepishly for a metal folding chair towards the back of the room>
It’s true. I’m a Doper. It’s a closet thing. I tried coming out, honest I did. But I was met with frightened Midwestern expressions of suspicion and mistrust. Now I just tell people I read it ‘somewhere on the internet’ or ‘I’m not really sure who told me…’
I am fighting ignorance under the guise of ignorance. Help me. I want to stand proud…or at least sit relatively straight. People I work with are starting to question why I want to know their favorite limericks or their most embarassing sexual encounter. I live in constant fear that someone will walk up behind me and point at the computer screen, shreeking in horror, “No, dear God! She’s one of them 'puter ad-DICKS!”
You don’t know what it’s like here…I’d be marked for life. I need some group hugs and some easy-to-remember inspirational quotes. Have I come to the right place? Or is it too late for me?
struuter
I am not a dope-aholic. I can quit anytime I want. I just don’t want to quit. Yeah thats it. I don’t want to quit. Thats it Yeah.
I guess I should explain how I got to be here.
It started with me and some friends cruising the internet, you know, just being kids, and I stumbled across this place. At first it was just curiosity, you know? Wanting to try something new. So I lurked and read posts. I figured, I’m just around these toher people that do this sort of thing, it won’t happen to me.
Then one day I did it.
I made a post.
It didn’t stop there though, the next thing I know, I’m flirting with the other posters, I was sharing stories, I even . . .
:heavy sigh, wiping a tear:
. . . I even started my own threads.
I was so young. I swore I could quit whenever I wanted, I knew I could. Now it’s taking over my life. I’ve named my dog Cecil.
:breaks down crying: