I feel that many dopers, if they were so inclined, would be able to announce something and have people believe it.
This has to be balanced with the fact that dopers aren’t a credulous bunch, though, so we might as well just start making up things that dopers should pull on the gullible people in their lives.
Here’s mine:
I have renounced my sinful lifestyle and stolen Brittney Spears’ boyfriend.
i have become amish!
I attempted to enlarge my penis and it worked!!!
In a previous life, I was Mary - Queen of Scots.
(but don’t feel you must bow if you meet me)
I was digging the lint out of my navel with a Phillips screwdriver and my ass fell off.
I am knocked up by a gorgeous Jewish carnie.
I met him at the filling station; he was fueling up his VW van for the next leg of the Barnum and Bailey tour. Alasl, the van had this plush, comfy carpeting, mood lighting, Dr. Hook on 8-track, and, well, you know, one thing led to another.
Wish luck to me and Eli “Rubber Legs” Finklestein!
I am officially single and taking applications. 
I have decided that reading is a waste of time when I have the TV right there, and that I hate furry feline beasts and will be contacting the mods to change my user name to HatesBooks&Cats.
I think we should privatize medicare and give out tax rebates for SUV’s.
I’m giving back my doctorate. I don’t think I worked enough on it to really deserve it.
Plus, I hope Aberdeen FC gets relegated next year.
After much deliberation and over 2 years in The Pit and GD, I have formulated my new philosophy.
Screw tolerance! I hate all of you multiracial religious atheist women and men who sleep with each other indiscriminately while voting democratically republican using fur covered vegiterians to light your joints and oppress the hippie acid droppers!
Down with everything!
I am undergoing breast augmentation, and my deepest sorrow is that it can’t be completed in time for the next Dopefest
I dumped the bitch, sold that ugly kid, bought a Harley with the profits and am now on a whirlwind tour of the US trying to nail every truckstop skank-bag between here and the left coast, where I’m gonna go on the dole and proceed to fry my brain on the finest Colombian.
Itineraries available on request.
I’m selling my car and moving to Alaska, where it’ll be nice and cold and I won’t have to deal with all these redneck NASCAR fans.
I hate T. S. Eliot. Really.
Everything I say from here on in will be in iambic pentameter, with the fourth word of every second sentence being “bubba”.
I’m now Jewish.
(It’s the smiley (;j) that convinced me.)
I have taken an oath of celibacy
I’m Batman!
I’m now a Proud and Loyal Supporter of Glasgow Rangers Football Club.