Was this trip work-related? That is, was giving him a ride in any way a work responsibility for you?
I used to work way out in the suburbs, on a consulting assingment. I, along with many others from my firm, didn’t own a car and took the train from the city. It was really common for the co-workers with cars to give rides back to the city to those without, especially if everyone was stuck late working on something. There were plenty of times I went by my manager’s cube and asked when he was leaving, and I’m sure at one point I said something like “Hey, you have drive me back to the city tonight.”
I know its not the same situation, but I guess my point is there are situations when co-workers have to give each other rides, and for whatever reason maybe he thought this was one of them?
My response to this would have been to give him the big smile back and say “I’m pretty sure I don’t need to.” Then he would have the option to phrase the request correctly – as a request – and see how that flew, or beat a retreat.
I don’t think the guy was hugely rude; I agree he was trying to do the “playful” thing. But he did it badly, because he doesn’t know you well enough yet to do that even if you liked it, which it sounds like you don’t. And he did put you on the spot and take advantage of you. The only caveat I would add to your plan of giving him some distance is that he is unlikely to know that he offended you by the way he asked (or by asking at all, or both), since you did go along with it. So I’d give the guy a break – he’s new – but, as you intend, I’d be a bit on my guard for next time.
This is just a cow-orker, right? He holds no position of authority over you?
I’m not saying this excuses him (matter of fact, it makes it worse), but I keep thinking of Jennifer on WKRP refusing to make coffee for Mr. Carlson, and I think you’re getting the same treatment from this dolt.
If this guy should come to you and apologize (and I hope he does), I’d just let him know that he put you in a very uncomfortable position,. and if you two are going to work together, that this cannot be repeated.
if he has any sense at all, he will agree, and if he doesn’t he won’t be around long enough for it to matter anyway.
With this delivery, I would have most definitely sent him to practice his manners on a local taxi driver.
I mean, I help people out at the office like this all the time – but they know how to use the phrases “please” and “if it isn’t too much trouble” in the correct context, tone and demeanor!
My response would have been ‘I do? Tell me why, exactly, I ‘need’ to give you a ride’. It would be delivered with a smile and pleasantly, but there’s no way I’d be backed into a corner. If I didn’t get a nice request plus some sort of quid pro quo promise, it’d be ‘sorry but no go - maybe (cow-orker X) needs to give you your ride’.
I went to a dance one time, danced with some guy once, and was told ‘you will come with me for coffee after the dance’. Guy was not joking. We went through a round or two of ‘no I won’t actually’, ‘yes, you will’, before I stared him straight in the eyes and said no I will not and walked off.
You can only be treated like a doormat if you lie down.
I don’t know about you, but when I feel like I’m in a corner, I don’t acquiesce, I bite.
You could have just grown a backbone and told him no. Saying that it was out of your way should be reason enough, if he persisted after that then he would truly deserve a slap (preferably of the metaphorical kind but being a female you could probably get away with the physical kind).
Last Saturday I was finally able to order my internet service (yes, this is related to the issue at hand). Because the guy who had the apartment previously didn’t have a landline, a technician from the phone company needs to come by and check out which one of the lines in that building is “mine”. So yesterday I had to call the tech.
Oh, right. In German, neh? Aaaaaah… ok… I need a nice coworker… and I don’t think the guy from Sevilla, the New Yorker or the Indian are going to make do…
So after lunch I took the reference paper I’d gotten from the phone company, headed for the coffee machine with it and my cell in hand and asked a coworker who was there at the time whether he’d please make this call for me. It happens to be a guy with whom I’m a tad more familiar than with others, since we joined at the same time and got through our “new workers training” together, but the reason I asked him was that - I was not interrupting his work.
That’s ok, I think. But barging in and saying “hey, someone who speaks German has to make a call for me!” Yeah, rite. The closest I’ve ever come to that was in 4th College Year, one day when two pieces of glassware were stuck and I said, raising my eyes to the ceiling “ok, I hate to admit this but…” and several people replied “I need a man!” Yes, it was a running joke with my class, and we’d known each other for 5 years! (Almost everybody repeats 1st)
What an ass. I don’t ask my coworkers for favors, but I would gladly give any of them rides if they actually asked, rather than demanding one. A particular one of my coworkers could get away with ordering me to do it, because that’s how him and I joke with each other throughout the workday. But he actually knows me.
Eh, yes he’s definitely an ass in this respect. And yeah, sure I should have said no. But again, I’m not concerned that it’s going to be a repeat thing. I know myself well enough to know I have confidence to say no.
I only wanted confirmation that it was indeed rude, because I actually think asking for coworkers for rides at all - barring desperate emergencies - is rude. So where I set the bar is vastly different already. I wanted to be sure I wasn’t overreacting because of my opinion of this sort of behavior already.
In his defense, not that there is much, I think he would have a really hard time shelling out even $20 for a cab-ride. He has adopted or is in the process of adopting four children, none of which are his blood (I don’t know the full details) and he adores them and refers to them as his children. It doesn’t excuse him one bit but he’s not entirely a bad guy. Just severely lacking in manners and politeness.
Thanks all for your input! This morning he tried to offer me an orange as payment. An orange?? Not to mention I had brought two tangerines from home already. I’m beginning to wonder if there isn’t something more involved, perhaps we just come from such different backgrounds we’re not even remotely on the same wavelength.
I would bet that at the tiniest hint of a frown from you would have made him drop to his knees and say “pretty pleeeeeease?”. He was just looking for a way to ease the tension of asking for what he knew was a big thing to ask. If he had been ultra beggy and polite, it would have made it HARDER for you to say no.
I think that the fact that he offered to pay for gas and that he brought something for you the next day are fairly clear signs that he is a good guy. You just have different customs.
Well, I suspect you’ll be getting some practice before long…
Actually, I disagree with you here. I’m perfectly OK being asked for occasional help (as long as I’m not overly inconveniencing the helper,) and I’m happy to help others. Just not the way you described this incident as having played out!
You sure he’s not trying to hit on you (in some way only he understands the virtue of)? :eek:
Well, at least there’s that – although I’d think one’s time and inconvenience is the main object in these cases, and not the $1 or $3 actual cost. I’d never consider “billing” somebody I’d helped out with a ride, even if I did go slightly out of my way – nor accepting gas-money if offered.
The “no rides” thing is a personal thing, really. And to be honest it doesn’t happen too often here because there’s only between 3-6 of us in the office at any given time and we all live in different directions.
And no, I wouldn’t take gas money either. The only way I would do that is if for some reason it became a regular thing - which would be a cold day in hell for me. I hate carpooling.
Hitting on me…the possibility had occured to me. He’s said one or two things that kind of made me :dubious: before, too. Some slightly admiring things, more than what is necessary but not really enough to point to. We’ll see.
Depends on how you do it, IMO. If you say something with a specific location in the question, and you give an out, like so: “I hate to ask you this, but can you give me a ride to Chula Vista after work, or would that be out of your way?” then I think you’re OK. If you say it like that, the other person can politely decline by saying, “Actually, I have to head in the other direction right after work.” That way the whole thing ends quickly without an opportunity for the two people to get entangled in a web of excuses and plans.
What about $2.25 for a bus ride?
I believe it’s actually impossible to be both ultra beggy and polite. Polite gives her an out. Ultra beggy makes it harder to say no.
I think its a bit extreme to say that any time you ask someone for a ride it is rude! Now this guy certainly was rude about it- I hardly even speak to someone from work I’ve only known for a month let alone say “You need to…” which I don’t think I’ve ever said to anyone when needing any kind of favor regardless of how well I know them. I ask for a ride home about once a week. And it is always someone I have known for years, and am friendly (if not friends) with, and always make it clear they can turn me down. I actually hate doing it, because I fear being perceived as rude. My husband and I only have one car, and he gets off of work 2 hours after I do, and works an hour and a half away. So unless I ask for a ride, I essentially stay 3-4 hours late at work on a daily basis. There are no taxis in our area, only airport delivery service, and no buses. There are also no sidewalks on many of the roads in our town; hardly even shoulders in most places so walking is very unsafe. For example, if I were to walk home from my place of work I would need to walk in the road, through several miles of a densely wooded area, and/or down a major interstate. I’ll risk being rude and ask for a ride, thanks.
Frank, you misspelled “No, I’m sorry, I don’t give rides either to ridiculously rude persons, or to persons who don’t know the difference in meaning between ‘You need to…’ and ‘I need you to…’ Since you clearly belong in both categories, I can’t help you.”
At my previous office we used to ask for ride when our cars were in the shop or being worked on or whatever all the time. It went like this, “Hey, I need to take my car in sometime this week. Is there anyone who could give me a ride over there on Tuesday?” We always checked ahead of time, and there was always someone who, having been asked ahead of time who could oblige.
I’m not sure if the inital request was rude, but it was sure clueless. However, not following up by seeing if this was an inconvinience or not was unexcusable.
I’m not sure why he couldn’t have gone at 3:30 and waited for the car to be finished there. Is it going to kill him to wait at the shop?
I, too, thought he was just being playful or quirky when he “demanded” the ride. Maybe he knew you to be a nice, accommodating person around the office. Or maybe he thought you were friends. Or maybe he was flirting a little. Lots of possibilities here and not enough info to narrow it down.
But … the schedule change (from 3:30 to 4:30) without even updating you is pretty rude.
And… you acquiescing so readily to a demand (twice) says he was right about something (see any of the possibilities mentioned previously).