This is exactly where we’re at. We did a bunch of negotiating and budgeting and hand-wringing when we first got married and were nervous about combining our finances, but it turns out that we’re both pretty sensible in terms of spending so it hasn’t ended up mattering. It’s now more about just giving each other a heads-up regarding purchases so we both know where we’re at for the month, budget-wise.
+3
Seperate accounts are like seperate bedrooms; some couples may feel they need them, but we have found that communication and compromise avoid all the complications of sharing.
So those of us who share or have shared household expenses with non-SOs need not answer?
Depends on the level of sharing. Do they have an interest in you looking sharply dressed?
I’m curious, who did you live with? Family member or roommate?
I would hate it if I had to ask SO about fun spending, as long as it was reasonable.
All our money is joint. My SO is a big fan of women’s clothing, so he generally goads me to spend more than I would on my own. If I see something I like, I’ll ask his opinion. Shopping is something we mainly do together, so it’s not a secretive issue.
I find it completely bizarre that you are determined to diagnose couples you don’t know with relationship issues based on the fact that they manage their money differently than you would, even after posters in this thread have explained why it works for them in their families.
IMVHO, people who get judgy about other peoples’ money have issues of their own. YMMVMV.
Joint account.
None of the options really fit, though I guess #3 comes closest, though neither of us care about clothes. We’re on the same page with our shared financial goals, so this sort of thing never really comes up. How do I pay for non-essentials? Out of the joint account. In a responsible way that fits our budget.
If there are any large purchases we wish to make, whoever is making the purchase will mention it (not in an ‘asking permission’ way, more in a ‘sharing information’ way). Usually, we’ll have talked about large purchases beforehand anyway, so most often it will be “I won that tractor on eBay that I told you about, got it for $X!”. We both encourage each other to get the odd small luxury (like books) and we plan the bigger luxuries (hobby stuff) so that the purchases fall within our budget, because we both want each other to be happy and have those luxuries. And we both trust that we agree on our larger financial goals, which makes us restrain ourselves on the luxury front - and there’s no resentment or issues if the restraint comes from within rather than enforced from the other person, if that makes sense? i.e, right now I really want Big Thing X and my DH really wants Big Thing Y - we’re working towards getting X and Y, while at the same time we both agree getting the mortgage paid down is our priority. So we don’t just go out and buy X and Y, we work towards it, while putting most of our effort into the mortgage, and knowing that there’s enough ‘float’ to buy that small treat (a book, or some bling) as long as it’s infrequent. And it is infrequent, because we’d rather have X and Y and a smaller mortgage.
I’m not even sure if that’s answering your question, but I kind of assumed clothes was code for ‘non-essential luxury that partner doesn’t share’.
I guess if your kid wants to save up his allowance and buy, say, a PlayStation, you want to have a vote on that? Same thing, really. Provided someone is staying within the agreed-upon bounds of their individual discretionary spending, what does it honestly matter whether they spend that money on a latte every morning or a set of golf clubs every couple of years? What matters is that the couple sat down and talked about their financial goals and priorities and came to an agreement about what worked for both of them. So long as they do that, the rest of it is trifling details.
Why would you have to ask about fun spending, even if it was from a joint account? I suppose if I wanted to spend more than a couple of hundred dollars , I might make sure that the money wasn’t needed for something else but that’s all. We don’t even have “agreed upon bounds of individual discretionary spending”. If we want it, and we can afford it (in light of our other goals) , we buy it. I suppose it might be a problem if one of us were spending all the discretionary money, but that doesn’t happen
My husband and I use the joint accounts for almost everything. We each have accounts in only one name, but they're not *really* separate accounts- for example, I have payroll deductions for a Christmas club and a vacation club but it doesn't mean it's my money.It's just more convenient to save that money separately from our everyday accounts. And we each have a separate savings account with a few hundred dollars linked to our joint accounts. We use those to set aside money so it doesn't mysteriously disappear from the joint account - and I don't mean set aside for fun things for the account owner. Mostly they're used to set aside money for things like new windows. Sometimes we use those accounts to buy each other gifts.
Yes, and I barged in on a private conversation to force my opinion on the participants.
This was a freakin’ public poll/comment thread on the topic. Just in case you didn’t notice that.
I guess if your kid wants to save up his allowance and buy, say, a PlayStation, you want to have a vote on that? Same thing, really. Provided someone is staying within the agreed-upon bounds of their individual discretionary spending, what does it honestly matter whether they spend that money on a latte every morning or a set of golf clubs every couple of years? What matters is that the couple sat down and talked about their financial goals and priorities and came to an agreement about what worked for both of them. So long as they do that, the rest of it is trifling details.
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I think you slightly missed my point, but you came back to it. I didn’t mean it as solely “why do you care what your SO spends money on” from a financial perspective - I meant, if he’s so into golf that he spends around five times what a casual golfer would spend, it should be a topic of interest between you. If you don’t care what he’s doing at all, to the tune of a $5k purchase related to it, then - in the broadest sense - what DO you care about with respect to this person?
It comes back to what I said earlier, and what I think you’re concluding with here - that if a couple doesn’t have communication and cooperation, the term “couple” may be erroneous; if they do have that co/co, then most of the arguments for separate finances become trivial.
I can’t really vote as none of the options apply. My wife and I have a joint account but neither of us really buy anything other than household items. I have a brewing hobby, but it provides beer for the household, so it is more of a household expense. My wife is an artist, but she generally breaks even or makes a profit over the year so we don’t worry about it much.
If we need to make a big purchase, either for one of us or the household, we have a discussion essentially covering the following questions, generally in this order:
- Do we need it?
- Do we want it?
- Can we make it instead of buying it and save money?
- Will it pay for itself?
- Do we have enough money to get it now or should we wait until my next paycheck?
As far as clothes go, we will occasionally buy clothes, but they aren’t considered a large enough expense to really matter. We might spend, at most, $100 - $200 a year on clothes between us.
None of the options fit our situation. My wife and I both work and we manage our money completely separately. Of course we divide the bills but I couldn’t tell you how much we pay for gas and water and I sure as hell couldn’t tell you how much she spends on clothing for her and the kids. I would wear jeans and T-shirts every day if I could, she and the kids like to look good.
We are fortunate that we make enough to allow us to not worry over much about money. Even so, we have very, very different ideas of how much savings is correct and how much debt is allowed. I can’t stand debt and I save way more than normal. I’m a huge tightwad. She has credit card debt that she is comfortable with.
Some may look at us and question how it could work. I can tell you that when I met her, she had been supporting a child and a deadbeat, drug addict, husband for years, all alone. If I couldn’t trust her to manage in the good times we now enjoy I wouldn’t have married her in the first place. Plus she looks good in all those clothes she buys.
My wife and I maintain joint checking and savings accounts, but we both also maintain our own checking accounts. All shared expenses come out of the joint accounts and we manage and pay for our own clothes, phones and entertainment events when the other isn’t present (ie drinks with friends, or computer games, music, etc.). When we go out to dinner toghether or buy groceries, one of us pays it out of our joint personal account and we dont’ really track that money. We discuss and agree on any medium to big purchase whether it is for both of us, or just one of us.
The only funds we keep separate is the money he got from his parent’s estate. That money is his to do with what he wants. Otherwise, we put all our earnings in a common fund and all spending comes out of it, including expensive hobbies such as tennis.
Actually the poll question is “Dopers that share household expenses: how do you pay for your clothes?” not “Dopers, please accuse other posters of having shitty relationships if they manage their money differently then you do.” There’s a difference between talking about what you would do and saying that doing it any other way is wrong and means someone’s relationship is troubled.
Jesus, now people aren’t even in real relationships if they don’t share checking accounts? Why are you so full of care about this?
I get the idea you don’t understand what “expressing an opinion” involves.
It does not mean “only speak if you agree with the others” or “don’t speak if your opinion might be contrary to others.”
My opinion is based on 35+ years of adult relationships through good times and bad with several different (very different) women, and observing such relationships from close, sometimes nearly-inside viewpoints. It thus may be a tad different from those who are with their second girlfriend, in their first few years of marriage and/or under 30.
And yes, I think there are problems if you are sharing a home, a bed, bodily fluids and perhaps children while keeping your finances separate.
All of our money goes into the same bank account, and then my wife spends it. She told me that’s how everyone does it.
If the wife needs new clothes, she buys them. If I need new clothes, she buys them.
I’m not seeing any problem here.