See, perspective is everything. You say you base your opinion on relationships with “several different” women. I base my opinion on my marriage to one woman, not several: one, for the rest of our lives.
And we keep seperate checking accounts because we’re adults and chose to do so.
Interesting. Maybe you could start a separate thread on that topic.
Less data never results in superior interpretation. Yes, I’ve been through three major relationships in my adult life, and I won’t argue that having any relationship fail (as two obviously did) is an asset. But to repeat some things I’ve said in prior posts, three decades of relationship experience, plus somewhat more than that with very close viewpoints on other relationships, through both the best and worst economic times anyone under about 70 has ever seen, gives a certain breadth and depth to my observations.
In all that time, over perhaps 50 deeply committed relationships (marriage or equivalently tangled up), I can’t think of one where the couple maintained separate finances without there being other deep and ultimately destroying problems - alcoholism, serial adultery, mental illness or an evident lack of commitment. In my own marriages, separating finances was a penultimate step to separation. In any purportedly permanent relationship, separating finances while joining everything else is a very troublesome sign.
Fine; my viewpoint is mine alone. Maybe I have a skewed sample, somehow, although my samples cover a wide range of ages, relationships and gender mixes. But marriage, family and childraising are areas where I might politely listen to someone half my age with a few years of experience in their first attempt, or I might excuse myself for any of a variety of reasons - probably to sigh, smirk or just find less depressing conversation. I don’t stay in convos where new parents list every wonderful thing they’re going to do for Baby, no matter what, either.
You know, NitroPress, this is the second thread where I have seen you become irrationally upset that people make different economic choices than you do. The first was the discussion of Keurig coffee makers, What's the appeal of Keurig? - Cafe Society - Straight Dope Message Board.
I think that this obsession and judgement over how other people spend their money is precisely why someone in a relationship might want to keep their money apart (and I think I understand why you’ve had 50 relationships).
My partner and I have a small joint account to pay for things we share (house, groceries) and things we get a deal on for being a couple (insurance, gym membership).
We cash our paychecks into personal accounts and have separate credit cards, investments, etc. Personal expenses like clothing are paid for by ourselves. We don’t have secrets; we each know everything about the other’s overall debt, savings, major expenses, etc. But we also don’t feel the need to know about each other’s every daily expense.
He would freak out if he knew I charged $1000 worth of clothing on a credit card yesterday. If our cards were joint, I would have to explain to him about how I shop exclusively from catalogs, try lots of stuff, and return most of it and pay the balance before the finance charges apply. Since we have separate money, I am saved the tedious explaining, he is saved from the worry about the credit card “debt,” and we are both saved from a long boring discussion about how his Mom and Dad instilled him with an irrational frugality and fear of credit cards.
When he buys clothes, he usually asks for my help, because he is color-blind. But he is the one paying the bill. I like him to look nicer (meaning, spend more on clothes) than he would do on his own. So I often urge him to buy more, and better-quality items. He likes that he can solicit my outside opinion, but that he is ultimately in charge of the financial side of the purchase.
I like the balance we have struck–interdependence. We definitely “communicate and cooperate” and have lots of very productive talks about finances. I like that we never get bogged down in discussions about the minutiae of each other’s minor spending habits; we only talk about big goals and accomplishments. We are on the same page and are both motivated to keep earning and saving.
We got together at age 35. It’s my first “live together” relationship, but I was formerly a divorce lawyer. My partner has a divorce in his past. We expect this relationship to be permanent. But I acknowledge the reality that most relationships are not lifelong, and factor it into my planning. This has been a really successful strategy for us, one that has deepened our trust and strengthened our bond.
I find it interesting that we are also much more satisfied with that aspect of our relationship than our peers with joint finances seem to be. Our married/partnered friends with joint finances fight enough about money and spending that their friends know about it. Also, in almost all of those relationships, the less motivated spouse eventually became underemployed, or unemployed, often against the wishes of the more ambitious spouse.
When we discussed moving in together, my partner and I agreed–we have a better working relationship surrounding money than almost anyone we know, and we don’t want to mess with a good thing. So we keep the status quo, and have not merged finances out of a misguided assumption that we “should.”
I don’t think I was either irrational or upset in either thread. My goal, if it can be termed with such precision, is to get people to think outside the box, and the ethics and practice of personal economics happens to center on my areas of professional interest.
If my pressure on such topics is one common factor, the degree that people get upset that such choices are questioned, or even should be questioned, is also common… and far, far more interesting. People who are truly comfortable with those choices don’t seem to get so disturbed, even if they are in opposition to my comments. There’s points to ponder in there.
We have joint accounts, and we clear spending with each other. We’re digging out of a financial hole right now, so we keep each other honest with that.
No, I got your point–couples who have anything other one joint account don’t love and trust and communicate with one another and therefore are Doing It Wrong.
You, otoh, missed my point entirely. My point was that “separate”* accounts doesn’t mean jack shit about the state of the relationship, that the mere fact the separate accounts even exist means the couple in question has been engaging in the very communication and cooperation you’re claiming they lack. And so long as that’s happened, it matters not a tinker’s dam whether they have one joint account or half a dozen individual accounts apiece. However they choose to arrange things, they’re okay.
And caring that someone bought new golf clubs is a very, very different thing from caring how much they spent on the things. You can take an honest interest in someone’s interests without giving fuck one about the minutiae. I just bought the most amazing and outrageously expensive yarn last weekend. My husband cares very much that it’s incredibly soft and beautiful and I’m excited to use it. He even maybe cares that it’s a silk blend and that’s what gives it that sheen. But he has less than zero interest in the exact fibers involved and the percentages. He’s buying an amazing and pretty damn expensive blender in the near future. I care that it does a lot of things and that he’s excited to use it. I could give a rat’s ass what horsepower the motor is, or the exact capacity, or pretty much any technical spec. Neither of us could tell you offhand how much the other is spending on said purchases, because for us the price falls within the range of minutiae. It’s within our budget, that’s all either of us feels a real need to know.
*Most couples with “separate” finances are only nominally separated. That is, the money is in accounts marked “his” and “hers” but functionally it’s all theirs.
There is no option for “what is this ‘money’ of which you speak”. 
We don’t have a joint account, for no other reason than that we never bothered to get one. There’d be none of this “money” stuff in it anyway. We use each other’s cards and buy each other stuff all the time. Everything we buy is thoroughly discussed. And by everything I don’t mean £5000 toys, I mean “do you reckon we can afford to eat meat”.
And clothes? I can’t even remember the last thing I bought… oh yeah, from a charity shop, a skirt that cost £1,50.
We don’t have children, so maybe that makes a difference, but we have separate accounts and split things like rent, utility bills, and major grocery bills (like when we go to Costco and spend $300). We still think of everything as “our” money, so neither of us would make a major purchase without consulting the other, even if the purchase is ultimately made without splitting the bill (for example, I bought a sewing machine, he just bought a new motorcycle). Clothes are not really “big” purchases for us. I think we trust each enough to know whether something is within our means or not.
In Korea, a lot of couples arrange it so the wife is in complete control of the finances and the husband gets an “allowance” every month. I’m sure this works for some couples, but I would never want the responsibility! My parents keep separate finances for the most part and they’ve been happily married for 30 years.
I can’t begin to imagine how to answer this poll! Mostly because in our 28year relationship we have been, at some time, each of these. Different times call for different solutions. When our relationship first began we were travellers, working crazy hours for a couple of years, saving like fiends, then takiing off for adventure, 6, 8, or more months. It was remarkably educational to live on cash, avoid debt, then live for months on a finite amount, return broke , no job, no apartment. We did this several times. By the time we ‘settled down’ we were just accustomed to working as one, on spending. Currently, I am semi retired and my husband pays all the bills including my credit card, a place I could never have imagined back when we began, but that’s how life is it seems. Remarkably we were both perfectly at ease with each phase as we passed through it. Having never actually married you can imagine the amount of well meaning advice on ‘how we should set it up’ we’ ve received throughout the years!
I said nothing of the kind and refuse to address spurious arguments.
You know we can read the thread, right?