Not quite the same as a one-liner, these are lines that mean something entirely different than what the original writer meant.
I got the first two from a column on business writing where the columnist asked for submissions (Note: apparently the most common misspelling that causes embarassment is dropping the l from public)
Back when showers were not as common, a company made a fixture that would attach to the faucet and become a shower head. The selling point was ease of installation - the ads were going to read “Two screws and you’re ready for a shower”
The next ad was going to be for a large brimmed hat called a “Sailor” It was going to read “Spend the summer under a large round Sailor”
And my last one comes from a freebie candy I got today at a British grocery store I just found. It reads “Look out for Fudge! He’s a bit of a loony, flying round Cadbury Land firing Fudge bars out of his hosepipe.”
Not quite on topic, but my roommate is the undisputed king of misclass (so named because it runs in the “misclassified” section of the local student paper, basically, unintended double entendres).
A little background, he was playing Quake3 at the time, or describing a round of the same game.
“At least I got Wood, now I can feel better about myself”.
Explanation: Wood was the name of another player.
“So there I was, pumping away at two guys…”
Explanation: He was using the shotgun against two other players.
“Well, look at that, My Penis is in here, I would never have guessed”.
Explanation: “My Penis” was the name of another player.
I have some genuine double entendres of my own, but I plead the fifth.
My all-time favorite has to be “Join the Navy and Ride the Waves”.
My high school released a glossy we’re-so-cool catalog emphasizing the importance of “Closeness between Students and Teachers”. This was a few months after a teacher had fled the country after being charged with statutory rape.
Aw, I don’t have any great ones, as all of you do. But I do remember being irate over a tv commercial which claimed that Lysol took care of German odor problems . . . until I realized they were saying germ and odor problems. Then I laughed and laughed. Oh well.
from twinkie factory:
For the chronically absent:
“A man like him is hard to find.”
“It seemed her career was just taking off.”
For the office drunk:
“I feel his real talent is wasted here.”
“We generally found him loaded with work to do.”
“Every hour with him was a happy hour.”
For an employee with no ambition:
“He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.”
“You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.”
For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”
For a stupid employee:
“There is nothing you can teach a man like him.”
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”
For a dishonest employee:
“Her true ability was deceiving.”
“He’s an unbelievable worker.”
My good friend is a nanny, and when the little boy she watches finally went to the potty by himself, he got a toy Woody doll (from Toy Story)
He ran right out to the men working on remodeling their kitchen and yelled- “I went pee-pee and got a big Woody!” (he got the tall doll)
She said they all about peed themselves…
When I worked for Dicks Clothing and Sporting Goods (many moons ago) we had a volleyball team. Our shirts pictured a guy spiking the ball over the net with the words “Dicks In Your Face”
At our old office, a steam tunnel was being dug several stories under the sub-basement. Weeks of blasting in the limestone had left the plaster on the ceiling and part of the wall in a dubious state around our reception area. Our receptionist, Julie, was getting worried about having plaster come crashing around her. We called physical plant about it, and after an unusually long delay of several days, they came to check it out. They showed up unannounced while we were in an inner office. My co-worker spotted them, and yelled out, “Julie, the men are here to look at your crack!”
On another occasion, a co-worker who has celiac disease lent me her knife when I was eating my lunch. She suddenly realized I might contaminate it with gluten, but I reassured her with “Don’t worry, I just cut the cheese.”
Finally, Patty one day went downstairs to the munchie machine for us all. I ordered a 7-Up, around the time that the soft drink companies were changing their product designs, and going with a minimal-paint-on-bare aluminum look. Patty brought up my pop in one hand, and someone else’s pop in another, and was holding them up as she came in the door. It was the first time I had seen the new design. “Wow,” quoth he, the only male in the office. “Nice cans!”
When American Standard, the bathroom fixture company, started making central air conditioners, they advertised on radio with “When people asked to see my American Standard, I used to tell them ‘first door on the right’, but now, I just tell them to go in the bushes behind the house.”
Does anyone else remember a toy sort of like Slip N Slide except it was called a Wet Bananna? The closing line of the commercial, showing mom sliding on the mat, was “Yes kids, even mom likes a Wet Bananna!”
Sunbear, have you ever heard of white space? Use the ENTER key once in a while.
Another one for the employee who isn’t worth much:
“He did a hell of a job on his last project, a HELL of a job!”
This thread has cracked me up. It gets my vote for favorite thread.
