Cardinal
Wow all you need in California is to be issued a drivers liscence to submit to a breathalyser! I do understand the fundementals of probable cause. But in the North East you have the right to say no to the breathalyser. Although they have the right to hold you and get a warrant if you are endangering people on the road. I suppose either way it is keeping a drunk off the road…
Threw up onto the ceiling once.
One time I got really drunk and my friends wanted to go. I wanted to finish the dart game we were playing. So I said “one last shot!” and I ran towards the machine and lept in the air like Michael Jordan trying to slam dunk. Dart firmly in hand, I planted it right on the board (no, not the bullseye). The machine rocked backwards, bounced against the wall, then came back up again.
Damn lucky I didn’t break the thing in the process.
Not as colorful of stories as all of yours, but, what can I say? I’m not much of a puker.
If only.
No, he was referring to Dopetoberfest (DTF) the large Los Angeles dopefest in October. A fair number of us stayed at the same motel and the first night we were grouped in the back of the hotel and, apparently, making too much noise.
Dave, in his bathrobe, and quite smashed, elected himself our spokesman when the cops showed up to tell us to quiet down. 
Aside from the usual waking up on park benches, and trainyards, etc, this happened the other day.
Chinese food place Brooklyn Ny 3:30 am
World Eater stumbles in and orders chicken wings with garlic sauce. Sits down and sways around a bit while waiting for food. Noticing the food guy putting some food up on the counter, he gets up.
Food guy: What do you want on it?
W.E.: "ummmmm… <spinning> lemme get salt an pepper, and hotsauce, shitloads of it, scortch that food! Also some ketchup/catsup on the fries…more…more, lil more…<spider sense tingles> wait a second, I didnt order fries!
Guy behind me: Yeah but I did, thats my food, yours is still cooking back there.
The guy was pretty cool, we just ended up taking each other’s order. This pales to most of posts here, but I thought i would share it anyways. I cant seem to remember any of the good ones 
Thanks for the welcome Phlosphr! Glad you enjoyed that one! Your story reminded me of it, of course. Whenever I hear of people splitting hairs with the police, I always think of that episode! I must admit that the officer in your story seems pretty laid back, considering you barfed on him! Funny stuff!
Pennystheman- you’re right. It does seem like a pre-concieved method of getting even sober people to “fail” the test. What made it so funny was that my drunken buddy had the presence of mind to see the conundrum for what it was, and called the officer on it. Only after he uttered those memorable words did we realize that drunk or not, smart-ass or not, he was right.
Whistlepig, handcuffed in the back of a police car. I started laughing. The cop said, not unkindly, “What’s so funny?”
Whistlepig - “Shit, I’ve been arrested for worse than this. This is like a Brady Bunch episode!”
The background:
It was the night before a big football game. Buddy and I have been drinking tequila and beer for hours while wandering through the downtown bars. We had also been enjoying other, um, substances. As we walk across the street from one bar to another, we see a cop. I try to stick my beer in my coat pocket, but it won’t fit. As soon as we step on the sidewalk the cop grabs my arm and says, “You’re under arrest for open container.”
Me - “Ok”
Cop - “You are under arrest, sir.”
Me - “Ok”
The cop stares at me for about 30 seconds. I know he’s thinking, “Where’s the argument? Where’s the bullshit story? The proclamation of innocence?”
I’m thinking, “$25 fine. I hope he can write fast, it’s cold out here. I want to go get another shot. I gotta tell Patagonia their jackets suck because you can’t get a beer can in the same pocket as your gloves.”
Cop - “I need to see your drivers license.”
Me - “Don’t have it.” Mind you, I’m being totally calm, nice tone of voice.
Cop - “You don’t have a drivers license?”
Me - “No, I have a drivers license.”
Cop - “May I see it?”
Me - “No”
Cop - “Sir, I need to see your drivers license.”
Me - “Ok. It’s in my truck over at the hotel. You wanna give me a ride?”
Cop - “I need to see some identification.”
Me - “Don’t have any on me.”
Cop - “You don’t have any identification?”
Me - “Well, I have this tattoo, but I can’t show it to you here.” Mind you, I’m still being respectful. (Joe Friday) “Just the facts, ma’am.”
Cop - “I’m going to have to handcuff you. We need to take you down to the station and identify you.”
I turn around and hold my hands up for the cop to cuff. The police station is 3 blocks away, I’m figuring 15-20 minutes tops to have the cop check my identification against DMV records, a bored clerk writes my ticket, I pay my fine and I’m back drinking.
As the cop puts me in handcuffs, my buddy gets stupid. He starts saying things like, “Hey, how come you’re arresting him? That guy over there just walked out of the bar with a beer. And that bar is waaaayyy over the occupancy limit. Don’t you have some REAL CRIME you could be fighting or are you just not a very good crimefighter?” and other stupid shit.
The cop asks me, “Do you know that guy?”
I suddenly remember that one of us is still “holding”. Shit, who had it the last time? I think Buddy did. But maybe I have it. And Buddy still has his beer in his coat, I can see the bulge. If we both end up in jail, who’s going to bail us out when everyone is out drinking? Shit, what if they do a “pat down”? Shit, shit, shit.
Me - “No sir, I have never seen that person before in my life.”
Buddy is still bitching at the cop, but the cop turns to me and says, “Sir, I’m going to take you down to the jail. It should take about 10 minutes to verify that you are who you tell us you are. After that, you can pay your fine and you’ll be free to go.”
Me - “How much is the fine?”
Cop - “$50”
Me - “Hey, Buddy! Can you lend me $30? I’ll see you at the Top Hat in 1/2 hour.”
Buddy shut up and tucked the money in my front pocket. The cop gave both of us a look, shook his head and put me in the back of the cop car. As he pulled away from the curb, I started laughing . . .
p.s. 18 minutes
p.p.s. Patagonia never wrote back
p.p.p.s. I made $25 dollars on the whole deal. I later wrote a poem that got published in a cowboy poetry journal and paid me $75.
The poem ended with the lines:
“And when I’m in Missoula,
I feel like a criminal on the lam.
Because I once was handcuffed,
for having eight ounces of beer,
in a twelve ounce can.”
I just wanted to share.
It was a great evening, coworker her bf and a friend swing on by, I make damn good jambayala we drink a lot of alcohol have a goodddsssss timeeeee and now I’m durnk
Happy an yunkyt drunkyt duynk drunk damnit!
Nice 'n relaxed all is gooxc with the wordl except my apparted is still too hot, but I can turned wdon the heaterf
i must say…
jesus fuck, man! lay off the fucking alchohol! you just unloaded 30 posts in forty minutes!
i mean, alchohol is ok, but HOW MUCH DID YOU HAVE?
Not much at all, only around 12 drinks or so, like i said its been a really fun night.
A fun night in the truest possible sense, good people, good times, good food, good drinks.
Thruely the best any humanbeing can hope for
ok, but SLOW DOWN YOUR POSTING! you’ve practically shifted the entire front page by yourself. i almost started a new thread on the whole thing. i’m not saying anything bad about you, but really there’s only so far you should go whilst still burning with the fires of alchohol induced stupidity.
at least the admins shut down the boards for maintnance in about fifteen minutes, so you will have some time to wind down and maybe go crash on the couch. really, try and cool down. please! it’s, ah… getting a little vicariously embarassing.
Haven’t yet hit the 1 post per 60 second ting.
yeah.
ohh, i already said this, but i simply CANNOT wait to see what your reaction is when you look at all this sober.
it might be as impressive as the traditional exercise of Homer’s “i just ate three 'shrooms”.
well, maybe not in concentrated embarassment, but at the way it coated the boards completley.
5 min to shutdown…
Its the problem with having a really fast connection and being able to type 90+ wpm even when drunk and that fact that 3 people are on the pits atm
I was with my girlfriend drinking one night, and since I got pissed, she drove home. She was speeding a bit and we got pulled over. The cop comes up to the window and asks “Do you know why I stopped you?” and without a pause she looks him straight in the eye and says:
“To get my Dunkin Donuts coupons?”
He started laughing so hard ghe just shook his head, turned around, and went back to his car. He drove off and waved us goodbye.
I once was on my motorcycle coming back from watching the sunrise on Lookout Mountain above Golden, Colorado. There is this stretch of I-70 that is fairly straight, so I gunned it. There were no cars, early morning, etc. so I tried to see how fast my bike could go. I passed a cop with the needle buried right before I got to Kipling(?) and I-70, where the highway turns east into Denver. I kicked down the throttle, hit the brakes and pulled over (I knew I was caught). About half a minute later the cop comes speeding around the corner doing 120+, sees me sitting there, and comes schreeching to a stop. He jumps out and says “You stopped!?! You were doing 117 mph!!” I told him that I was just testing my bike, I didn’t mean any harm, there were no cars, and that I’m normally a responsible rider. He takes my license, calls it in to see if I had any outstanding warrants, etc. and then gives it back to me. We sat there and talked for about 20 minutes about motorcycles and I promised him that I’d never do anything like that again, and he let me go. Neat guy.
-Tcat
I wish I had a monkey butler.
You pay for shipping and handling, assist in subduing the baboon and pay me for my time and I can get you yer monkey butler.
“Oh, the partition actually wobbles. I didn’t think I was that drunk.” --Shade, several years ago