When anyone at work displays above-average knowledge and/or insight to fix a problem, it is customary to tap one’s skull and say “Kidneys”. This is supposed to be the punch line of a joke that no one at work remembers. The display of “Kidneys” is considered a high compliment at work.
The other day I got kicked out of the petting zoo.
So, I said to the nun, I said, “Lady of Spain, I adore thee…”
Then there’s the eternal, “Shit, gotta go, cat’s on fire.” This has evolved to an art form:[ul]‘Shit, gotta go, I’m on fire’‘Shit, gotta go, the house is on fire’‘Shit, gotta go, the shit’s on fire’And what list would be complete without ‘Shit, gotta go, Opal’s on fire’[/ul]
The joke is pretty stupid, really.
LOL!!! For some reason, this amused me greatly…perhaps the images it evoked?
I’m personally a fan of the Dumb and Dumber line that, when taken out of context and aimed at someone, can create quite the comical reaction.
“You SOLD my dead bird to a blind kid???”
One of my friends, I’ll call him R., goes by the nickname of Jesus as a result of his shoulder-length hair and quasi-angelic face. Having him around results in a lot of laughter…just imagine a group of teenagers walking through, say, an Applebees, calling “Yo, Jesus!” and seeing someone respond.
Once, I stubbed my toe on a bus. “Jesus Christ!” I yelped. R. looks up on cue. “Yes?” he asks. “You called?”
giggles Yeah, we get funny looks.
In the middle of a movie theater a few days ago, Catalyst busts out with “Mr. Bigglesworth is kinda like a cross between a Chihuahua, a cat…and a scrotum.” I laughed so hard I couldn’t talk. It still makes me giggle.
Friend of mine, Shogun Haircut, likes to scream out “Pistachio” at random whenever conversation dies. While we were in Mexico, he kept begging our various fluent Spanish-speakers to tell him what the Spanish word for pistachio was so that he could do the same in Mexico.
“I like cheese” is always a winner.
“Sheep are pretty.”
“Have you ever REALLY looked at your butthole?”
“I have this rash…down there and it’s really gross…would you look at it and tell me what you think it is?”
Ginger: I was hot, and I was hungry!
Searching: When I was a spohmore in HS, there was a senior who looked a lot like Jesus. One day, he leaned into my classroom to pass a message to the teacher, and as he was leaving a couple kids yelled out “Bye, Jesus!” He flashed a peace sign and said “Big party at the water fountain.” Great line.
I think I mentioned this one before, but if you’re in a conversation and someone else walks up, say “Well, here he is, now you can say it to his face.” and walk away. Works best if the third party is the boss.
My personal fave, but this must be saved for those rare lulls in conversation in a crowded room (y’know, when EVERYONE stops talking fror a moment). (at what could be approximated for normal conversational level if everyone was still speaking),
‘…NAKED WITH A PIG IN THE BACK OF A CAR!’
Or, in a room of newly gathered people who don’t know each other (therefore aren’t communicating),
‘Well, here we are then’.
Not funny, but it makes strangers less uncomfortable.
‘SHIT!’, and when someone asks, ‘what?’, shoot back with, ‘I just got my peripheral vision back!’
others collected over time, ‘I don’t know’ (to that question that hasn’t been asked). Or…
‘Pork’, -just because!
Gene (danger type)
-man of few posts-
You can’t go wrong with:
“My cat’s breath smells like cat food.”
I think this one came from Steve Martin. I’ve been saying it so long, I can’t remember the origin exactly (didn’t even understand it when I first started saying it), but…
When someone says something confusing, I just look right at them all puzzled-like and say, “You did what to who with a fork?”
“…so i gave her a pearl necklace”
Said when the conversation dies out in a room…
“…but what you are supposed to do with the chicken, the goat and the trapeeze after that is beyond me.”
Another good one to keep people wondering about your state of mental health. Just something I use when answering the call of nature.
“Excuse me a moment, I need to go check in with the mothership.”
When the conversation lulls, I often turn to the group, look each in the eye, and say, “I suppose you are all wondering why I’ve called you here this evening. There’s been a murder!” in my best Hercule Poirot voice.
I guess it goes from God, to Jerry, to you, to the cleaners, right Kent?
A friend of mine will wait for a lull in the conversation and then turn to that member of the group who has said absolutly nothing the entire evening and exclaim:
“Will you shut up already? Your constant jabbering is REALLY getting on my nerves!!”
“So, Dr. Zarkoff, we meet again. But this time the advantage is mine!”
This is best employed with total strangers. If said to the rare Far Side fan, he or she will reply, “But you don’t look like a duck!”
“So I was blowing this monkey on the bus the other day…”
For some reason or another, this got started as a way to alleviate boredom in HS. One person in the group would say this line, and then the next person would start to improvise. Here is the most memorable example:
“So I was blowing this monkey on the bus the other day…When all of a sudden, the bus rolled over, so, me, being the casual guy that I am, decided to make due with said situation and proceeded to hide under(or was it over?) the seat. Meanwhile the monkey starts sticking it into my right ear. All of a sudden, guess who pops out? Ethel Murman singing the Violent Femmes- ‘Whhhhhhyyyyy cannnnn’t IIIIII get just one FFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK, Whhhhhhyyyyy cannnnn’t IIIIII get just one FFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK.’ I’m telling ya, it was sureal.”
Said with accompanying hand gestures and Ethel imitations, we laughed our asses off…
But, then again, you might have had to of been there.
Yes, but she actually looks like him!
When he was only about 19, a friend of mine was sitting in the pub with another guy idly checking out the women, and wondering how to go about talking to them. Suddenly the guy who he was drinking with jumped to his feet and proclaimed, “I HAVE A TEN INCH DICK!” Seconds later, he was walking out the door with one of the women. [sub]Don’t try this at home, kids.[/sub]
Another good opening line is [said earnestly and with lots of direct eye contact], “So,… are you bitter?” Good for interviewing people.
Then there are the techniques for making talkative taxi drivers shut up. Start off with being incredibly dull: “My cousin used to live down that street!!!” That usually works, but if it doesn’t, then move on to the next level -vague creepiness: “Psychiatry is an evil which must be abolished!” Gets 'em every time.
“So I had my tongue up this chick’s ass, right?..” Dice Man
Dog rape works just as well…