I’ve been talking to this guy for a few months via email now, and he seems like a really nice guy. We have a lot in common, and we have interesting conversations about many different topics. We sort of flirt back and forth, but only in a joking manner, nothing serious, kind of like some posters here just banter back and forth without it meaning anything. (You know, the old, “How you doin’?” line and things like that.)
So I thought. But lately he’s been seeming more earnest with his flirting somehow. Like he really means what he’s saying. He keeps complimenting me, which I’m not comfortable with from anyone, but this could just be my own hang-up.
Anyway, it’s kind of fun to flirt when you know no one is really serious. I’m not serious. I like him, sure, but I’m defintely not pursuing a relationship or anything. And this guy lives in another country some several thousand miles away. We both know this, and I thought it was understood we were joking, but maybe it wasn’t. I’m so worried now. I don’t want to offend him, or lose the friendship, but how can I tell him I’m not serious and am uncomfortable with the level he’s taken it to? I feel like a terrible person, like I’ve led him on. And I really never wanted to do that. I do not want to be one of those stupid people who get themselves into some awful situation and then blame everyone else for their predicament.
Has anyone else ever been in this situation, or can anyone offer some advice? Should I just ignore the flirting and hope he gets the message? Should I tell him plainly what I think and risk offending him and seeming like a jerk? Or am I just overreacting?
If you don’t want to do it or feel uncomfortable with him doing it, just change the subject, as it were. Either don’t answer the email or answer it with another topic. Something that’ll induce him to tone it down a tad and a half.
Just tell him point blank you don’t want to be serious. I do not understand this sort of virtual friendships. How is that possible without any common experiences?
Just like IRL, it’s difficult to get a flirter to stop flirting and still maintain a friendship. In fact, it’s probably harder than in real life, because you don’t have facial expressions, smiles, etc. at your disposal.
I hope you can pull this off, assuming you want to, but I’m betting that the measures required to stop the flirting will also kill the whole deal.
"And this guy lives in another country some several thousand miles away. "
So? This happened to my best friend. The guy was in england & she was in the US. One day he showed up here to surprise her. Even though he was married. A couple months later, he came over again & proposed to her. Took me quite by surprise.
I had a similar experience, though the guy was only a few states away. We chatted - not even many times. I was nice. I wasn’t even flirty, just nice. He asked if I was seeing anyone. I answered honestly, which was no. Big mistake. Since “any guy is better than no guy” woman who is nice to kook must be kook’s girlfriend. And kook begins to make plans to move 800 miles! Whoa!
Ratty,
Maybe something has changed in his life. He started flirting “not seriously” and now begins to see moving to be with you a practical option because he, oh - lost his job, had a fight with his best friend, the local girl he really likes got married. So he turns things up a notch.
I like to be indirectly direct. By writing something like “You know, I was thinking about you last night and what a great time I have talking to you. Its so nice to have someone to flirt with where a real relationship is so impossible. I really need that right now, because I’m not really in a place where I want a boyfriend - but its so much fun to flirt. You let me get that out of my system.”
Translation: I don’t think of you that way, but I do value what we have.
Either don’t answer the email or answer it with another topic. Something that’ll induce him to tone it down a tad and a half.