I'm a needy mess and I hate myself for it

I should probably know better than to ask advise, because I don’t think I want to hear it, but I just need to vent.

OK, the setup: About ten years ago I worked for this international company. At one point there was this company weekend where employees from different countries were invited to. I met a very nice guy that I immediately felt attracted to. I didn’t think he was gay, so I didn’t really pursue it. We did spend most of the weekend together though, we got along great. At the end of the weekend we tried to stay in touch, but eventually lost track of each other.

Fast forward 10 years. I created a Facebook account to stay in touch with some people I met around the world. A few days later I get a friend invite from this same guy. We started messaging back and forth and it turns out he lives in New York now (I’m at the other side of the pond). Almost immediately he started flirting with me, mentioning how he was so in to me 10 years ago, but he wasn’t out yet and didn’t want to do anything with it. My heart jumped. He sent some pictures and he still looked hot as hell. The next weeks we kept on with the messaging back and forth. As gay guys are wont to do, it got sexy as well. I found out that I was still very much into him, and it appeared he was too. I sent him a nice present for his birthday, which he loved.

Then, around Christmas is stopped. He answered my messages less frequently, but the ones he did send were still quite personal. He was very busy, so didn’t have time to answer me as often, he said. During January there was hardly any contact at all. At one point I decided that he wasn’t that into me afterall and moved on with my life. Then, at Velentine’s he gave me a call. We spent about an hour on the phone and the conversation flowed well. When we hung up he send me a message that he enjoyed the talk and ‘missed me already’. I sent him a valentine Facebook message back. Now, three days later, no answer. I know he’s been online, he has my number, he knows I’m interested. Why, if he’s not, did he call me on Valentine? He could have just let the contact die, as it apparently did in January.

I should just confront him, but I don’t wat to come across as pushy. And I do want to keep a window open just in case he’s actually very busy and don’t want to spoil it by coming across as the needy mess I obviously am.

Sigh Men… I thought only women send mixed signals.

How frustrating! Don’t settle for less than what you deserve.

Hope it works out for the best for you. :slight_smile:

You do know that beating yourself up for having needs, isn’t really a good thing, right? When you choose to define yourself as ‘needy’ you’re, on one level, writing your future. Stop saying this, especially in your internal dialogue but also aloud and in print. What you should say is, “I wish I were less needy…” Believe me, it will make all the difference.

But, aside from that little nugget of advice, you don’t seem needy to me. It sucks to be toyed with and this fellow sounds like he is doing a little toying with you. Perhaps not intentionally, but still. Being across the pond really complicates things, when it comes to reading signals. Perhaps he has several, ongoing, potential relationships. So hard to tell from where you sit.

I could see him being interested, but cautious, because of the distance thing creating difficulties. But I don’t see how you’ll manage anything as difficult as a long, long distance relationship if you continue to define yourself as ‘needy’.

Sit tight, and don’t burn any bridges with this man. Do not anticipate outcome, let events unfold in their own time. It’s hard, I know.

Good Luck, I’m pulling for you!

Straight guy here. Sounds like to me he has other relationships going on. As those wane, you are his next best flirty online alternative. Why not just be direct? Plan to get together in the near future.

When you say he’s in NY and that you’re at the other side of the pond, I assume you are in the UK or in Europe somewhere. That doesn’t necessarily make meeting up prohibitive.

Yep, that’s the vibe I’m getting too. Lay your cards on the table and see what happens.

Worst case scenario, he’s not that into you, you deal with that and don’t have to worry about banging into him at the supermarket thanks to being on the other side of the world.

You don’t seem particularly needy. You seem pretty normal. You’re into the guy and he’s sending you really mixed signals. Nobody is so busy that they can’t drop you a quick text to say hi. Not for weeks on end, anyway.

I think Wilbo has the right conclusion as far as what’s going on with him.

Frankly, I think you should move on. I don’t think you should end contact with him entirely or anything, but you should accept that you’re going to be shoved on the back burner repeatedly by him. At least at the moment. So back-burner him too.

I actually did suggest coming over sometime in the future. His response was quite non-committal. I also let it drop that I’m not particularly attached to Holland, and that I could live anywhere. Didn’t go so far as to suggest I would definitely move, but thruth is, I totally would. Not just for him, but NY sounds like a great place to live, especially in Manhattan (where he lives).
I doubt he has other relationships going on. Who would be alone on Valentine if that was the case?

Thing is, the long distance shouldn’t be a problem at all. We already have met face to face, even if it was ten years ago, and we got along great. So it shouldn’t even be that case of real life not matching up to online fantasies.

Anyway, maybe needy isn’t the exact word to use here. but I’m falling for this guy, hard, and I hate to be the mushy type. I used to be the hard man, I hate to be on the other side of the fence.

OK, here’s an alternative scenario — maybe he likes you a lot but doesn’t want to appear too pushy, so he backs off a little. Or maybe keeping up online flirting is rather exhausting for him, and he backs off to “recuperate,” or at least to make sure the next time you two have contact, he can be fully “on,” witty and sexy.

Just a thought. I’ve never had to pursue online relationships, but I do know just from exchanging friendly emails with people I know, like and want to maintain a relationship with, sometimes I purposely go a day or two between communications just to make sure I have something of substance to say. (And this is someone who communicates for a living!)

It’s only been three days - chill. I think if you went all “It’s been three days, why haven’t you replied?!” it would come off as very needy and somewhat nutso. No offense.

Perhaps this’ll make you feel better. And I know, before I even start saying anything, my example is the exception, not the norm.

My husband was my “flirty alternative.” We met online and I met him about the same time I met another guy. I went on a date with my (now) husband, a date with the other guy, and I ended up picking the other guy. I dated him for a month, that fell apart, then I went on another date with my (now) husband. Went on a date with a different guy, dated the different guy for a month. Then, after that second guy fell apart, I called up my (now) husband and asked him for a third date. He told me this time, if I disappear for a month, he’s not answering the phone when I call again. I’ve been with him ever since.

Moral of the story: have some backbone. Let him know you’re interested and if he’s just stringing you along, you’d rather not have any part of it.

I realise this, hence the venting of my frustration on this board and not at him. Still, if he ‘misses me already’ and got a nice mesasge in his mailbox the next day, the least you can do is acknowledge that, right?

Anyway, I know that I’m turning into a woman (no offense to all the women on this board) and should just man up. And I will do so right after I listened to this James Blunt song :wink:

And what is the name of your home planet? Here on Earth men can send as many mixed signals as women. You are either very young or very naive or both. Either way, you’re being a big ole sissy about this. Enjoy the contact when it happens, but don’t count on it. Keep letting him know that you’re interested, but just don’t hold your breath expecting him to reciprocate. Meanwhile, don’t stop looking for someone more available, on your side of the pond (you know how we gay folk are really terrible at long-distance romances).

Oh, and DO NOT start telling him that you want to move to NYC and possibly live with him. Instead, bring up the possibility of a visit . . . no more than a week . . . and don’t even assume you’ll be staying with him, unless he offers.