Wonko's Newest WTF moment.

So, in my quest for an SO, I put up a personals ad on yahoo. I just made it non-searchable, and I’m considering trashing my account. You see, I went on two dates with this young lady, and although things did not go all that well, they really didn’t go all that badly either. She left me a message on my machine this last friday (6:20pm) when I was in NYC at a 'doper dinner, and I haven’t called her back yet. There were a couple of reasons I haven’t called her back, one of which was the nice weather, and the other was that I wasn’t sure I really wanted to go out with her again. She didn’t seem like a bad person or anything… until today when I got this email. This email showed up today, from a person I went on 2 dates with, a relationship that did not go anywhere past holding hands, and a hug.

The names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved, otherwise it’s a cut/paste from my yahoo mail.

Now, our first date was on the third of the month (Dinner at Nyo Nya in NYC), and our second date was on Good Friday (went to Island Beach State Park in NJ, and walked to Barnegat Inlet). We last spoke on the phone on Sunday, but it was a short conversation, as I had to go to church, and I excused myself. Now, I’m no rocket scientist (they said that putting me in charge of supersonic metal projectiles was “bad”, so I picked another career), but I don’t think that after two dates a person can demand that I call them. I didn’t respond to the email yet, and definately haven’t called her. I’m giving myself some time to think it over and respond with a cool head, 'cause right now, I’m a touch irked.

So, that’s my



Feel free to comment give advice, call me a prick, whatever.

She may (obviously) have more emotionally invested in the relationship than you and she’s evidently slow to take a hint, but really, you should call her and give her a heads up re your interest or lack thereof, it’d be the gentlemanly thing to do.

Flip it around. If you went out on a date with a girl you really thought you might really click with, but she had a different take on things, would you like to be ignored into obvilion?

The relationship???
Wha ???
Three dates hardly makes a relationship.

I am not a relationship expert, nor am I a people expert.

From her email -

A week doesn’t seem like such a “long” time to me. When someone says the are not needy, BUT… screams out NEEDY to me.

If it was really ok with her, she would not have emailed you. She is seeking a response from you.

Jesus H Christ! What gives her the right to feel entitled to know what you are thinking? Three dates!!! Hello!

This is what would make me run very fast. No one should tell you they expect you to call them to ‘straighten’ things out. If there were miscommunications, and you wanted to call to straighten them out then great, BUT, the fact that she EXPECTS it is wrong. It’s kinda like demanding you send flowers to make up for the fact that you did not provide her with a copy of you schedule for the last week.

If you not calling her in the last 7 days has hurt her feelings, she may have some self esteem issues.

D’oh - It should have been two dates instead of three.


You haven’t given us enough info. When you talked last Sunday did you tell her you’d call back within a time frame? I can understand her frustration, though, and I don’t see anything too out of line with her email. You took the effort to sign up for a Yahoo! account specifically to find an SO. You’ve had two dates with her. She’s obviously out looking, too. She wants to know if there is potential or not. You’re wasting her time if you’re not interested. So the polite thing to do is tell her one way or the other.

Three dates may not equal a relationship, but it certainly equals a responsibility to another person’s emotions. Obviously you may not be as invested, but I think after three dates you could have gotten the vibe that she is. Being up-front, honest, and open about what you think is going on is going to help you in the relationship business down the line. Communication, even with someone you’re not interested in, is something that you should try to practice at all levels of a relationship, regardless of investment.

It’s a little worrisome that she starts the letter by saying she’s not needy, huh?

BTW, it was great to meet you on Friday!

If she called him during the NYC Doper Dinner and emailed him today, that’s not a week, that’s basically 2 days - Saturday and Sunday. That’s not understandable, no matter what her take was - that’s needy, clingy and kinda sad.

So, you’ve been on a couple of dates with her, and she leaves you a messege. After 7 days she still doesn’t have a reply. You’re not in a relationship with this women, but I did see what’s wrong with her wanting a reply. Even if it’s just to say, "I’m sorry, but I don’t see us going anywhere.’

Wait a sec! She only left the messege **2 days ** ago? Okay, NOW the e-mail seems a little over the top.

I’m voting for clingy if she’d only left the message two days before. If it was a week earlier, I can understand her being disturbed that you might be blowing her off, but I still think the “entitled to know” line is just a tad over the top.

Opps! That should be ‘don’t’!

Problem is, we don’t know this women’s past history. A lot of people feel like they NEED to talk to someone every day. It’s understandable, if a bit annoying.

Obviously you did no wrong not getting back to her in two days. That being said, it does seem to be the decent thing to get in touch with her now after she sent that e-mail, and convey your interest/lack thereof.

Respond and politely tell her that she’s very nice but you just don’t think the two of you clicked.

In other words get out in as quick and clean a way as possible.

BTW, I cant believe I resisted the urge to pretend to be her and post something like:

“You Bastard! You posted my message on the internet?!”

My SO once briefly participated in a Boston-area dating service called, disturbingly enough “Good Genes”. When she confided in me that she had used a dating service, my response was not charitable, I’m afraid. I considered online dating and its ilk to be the epitome of desperation, and I stated I’d rather go without than so lower myself. Boy, did I get an a-hole ripping for that.

The thing that convinced me (though it took a while) that dating services were not the undignified vices I originally thought was one simple concept: Time, or more appropriately, the lack thereof. As my SO pointed out, people are busy. It’s hard enough to meet people in the city, but add that difficulty to the time that is eaten by work, long commutes, chores, maintaining existing social ties, etc., and your typical professional woman in her late twenties or early thirties can completely slip through the dating cracks. My wife is a smart, attractive woman, and the fact she couldn’t meet any men she wanted to go out with, and didn’t have the time or the inclination to do the bar scene, left her, she felt, with few options.

In the end, though, she gave up on Good Genes. Why? Wasted time. Many of the guys she met interested her enough to give a possible relationship a go. The difficulty was pinning them down. It seemed to her many of them were just playing the field casually, juggling multiple potential dates through the service, and lacking focus. She was interested in starting a meaninful relationship. She felt all the guys were less focused on that than she, and, not surprisingly, relatively unresponsive. She’d go weeks without hearing from someone, and then suddenly get a call. All of the sudden she had multiple guys who would contact her, seemingly at random, when the the dry spells between calls lead her to conclude (wrongly) that they had written her off.

So she got sick of it. She started asking guys for more timely follow up. They, in turn, would accuse her of rushing or cramping their style. So, she ditched all of them. Even after we hooked up, she got a call from one of her old Good Genes contacts. She kept him on the phone for two hours (his long-distance tab, I might add) before ending with “Dinner? Where? Oh, well, sure! Can I bring my boyfriend? Yeah…well, we love Providence! Is Friday good? No? Oh, OK, well call me back when you find your Palm Pilot, because it sounds like a lot of fun. Yeah, you too! Talk to you soon!” I, being in the room for the whole thing, noted “that was, uh, kinda bitchy, don’t you think?” She replied “Well, that’s what he gets for wasting my time.”

The moral: Perhaps your friend is tired of beating around the bush, and if she’s desperate, she’s desperate for feedback so she can either A) Take it to the next level, or B) Move on to something else, as she could well have other prospects in mind, but is giving you the benefit of the doubt before ruling you out as a possibility. Her desperation may well come out of dealing with lots of other guys who she felt strung her along, or kept her on the back-burner while they perused the meat market. That’s what happened to my wife, and it irritated the hell out of her. The sad fact for at least a couple of those guys was, they really were most interested in her, and wanted pretty badly to keep dating. They just kept hedging their bets, and didn’t think they owed her regular contact just because there was no defined “relationship”. I’m guessing some ladies, while dating, don’t see it that way at all. They aren’t necesserily needy, just more focused than the average guy, it seems.

Jeez, for crying out loud, give the poor girl a call. At the very least, it’s not like you don’t have the time. Just call and talk to her. What’s the big deal?

Wow, in all the relationships I’ve been in, that kind of clingyness has always been standard procedure. It’s always been something that drives me nuts.
Last year, a combination of my girlfriend’s needyness and my tendency to avoid confrontation (along with a little stomache flu and a trip to the hospital) had her staying over at my place for a week straight because she was “worried about me”.

Then she cried when I asked her to go home because I needed some space.

I suppose I can see her point. We had been going out for two months. That’s about a month shy of a marriage proposal these days, isn’t it? Criminy…
Anyway, it’s good to hear that there’s at least a few sane people in the world.

I called her up, and told her that I just didn’t feel like we clicked. I did not tell her that Zoid told me to say that, so it went fairly well, though it -was- rather uncomfortable. Between last night and this afternoon, she resent the same exact message to my personals inbox, but the word “CALL” was in all caps, so as to not be missed.


And she said she wasn’t NEEDY.