I am curious about people’s opinions on this matter. Compare the two in these situations:
Straight no weapons fight.
Each can use any kitchen item as a weapon.
Who wins in an Emeril vs Alton death match?
Please explain why you think the person you chose will win.
How is this even close? Alton in a land slide. Alton knows too much chemistry and physics, plus he enjoys multitaskers. So while Emeril is searching for a meat tenderizer, Alton cracks his skull open with a brick. Flexibility is the key to Alton’s success.
Emeril’s only chance is to throw some essence into Alton’s eyes and momentarily blind him. BAM!
But Alton would be prepared for such an obvious opening gambit from Emeril and it wouldn’t work. And Alton returns the favor by using his favorite thermometer and stabbing out Emeril’s eyes. A perfect 98.6 degrees. It’s all over from there. Where’s your smartass comments now, Emeril?
I think it’s got to be Alton Brown, he’d MacGyver up something from scratch to tilt the battle in his favor. Emeril is scrappy, but in the long run, brains will win out.
I agree. Alton all the way. He’s smarter, faster, sexier…
How about Alton vs. Tony Bourdain (A Cook’s Tour)? That’s a much fairer fight.
Agreed. Tony would fight dirty.
In a three way match, Emeril would be prancing about tossing spices, pixie-style, on the floor and shrieking “BAM!”. Tony would gouge his eyes out and serve them a la russe. Meanwhile, Alton would fashion a frozen turkey cannon out of vinegar and baking soda in a metal trashcan and would launch a 23 pounder straight at Emeril’s gut.
I vote for a Tony/Alton tie after that.
Fenris
Now throw in Martha Stewart and see what happens…
Well, remember the first case is no weapons so I am thinking Emeril may have the edge because of shear mass as Alton seems a bit smaller than Emeril. Considering the second case, remember that huge pepper mill that Emeril has in his kitchen. It’s possible that he could use it as a club, holding Alton at a disadvantage. I like the Essence tactic. Perhaps an immediate Essence to the eyes attack would give Emeril a victory.
What about a cage match? Alton and Tony vs Emeril and Mario Batali. This would be a no weapons fight to the finish.
Emeril in both cases.
Looking at the two and their backgrounds, Emeril looks like he can (and probably has, in his youth) take care of himself in a dark alley.
Emeril is a huge fan of improv. Alton is way more precise. Improv and not playing by rules usually wins in a street fight. Salt to taste always beats an exact measurement.
Against Mario? Mario is a big guy and doesn’t look like much of a cream puff. Toss up on that one. It would be a damn fine fight though.
Tony? Tony is a poser. No question.
Martha? Very tough call. Martha may be cute but when she pulls out the hot glue gun, things could get dicey. Emeril is tough, but when faced with hot glue and ribbon along with a dazzling smile… I’m not placing any money.
Alton…
if he was prepared. 
I decided not to bring Martha into this for a simple reason, she would obviously pull a rampage of horror on all of them, pulling out their intestines and making some sort of fun holiday decoration.
It is possible that Mario could use those horrid orange shoes of his as a first strike weapon so he might have an advantage over everyone.
Emeril was in the Marines, you know. Not just anyone can get through the Marines.
Tony seems like a tough guy from the streets of New York, and I doubt he’d take crap from anyone.
And Mario looks like a club bouncer–whether he’s tough or not, he has size on his side.
How about those three vs. the Iron Chefs?
Emeril is a lot wealthier than Alton. He’ll just hire goons.
You raise an excellent point. Even if Alton were somehow able to win in a fair fight (which is possible; although I’m sure Emeril is soft and flabby, he does have the mass advantage), he wouldn’t make it out of the arena alive. All of Emeril’s mind-slaves – the people in the audience they show salivating at Emeril’s every word and shrieking like maniacs at every “Bam” or mention of garlic – would descend on Alton like a pack of Romero zombies.
I forgot about the garlic zombies. They could use their seal like hand slapping to batter(in multiples ways) Alton into defeat. My wife gives me grief everytime I make fun of the garlic zombies. I guess she is right and I should be more careful.
If both could bring their fans into the battle, it becomes a battle of wit against a pure garlic zombie flipper attack.
Alton can produce a nutritional anthropologist, a mad food scientist, and most importantly, W, a weapons expert on demand.
Add in the understanding of chemistry and the obvious love of really intense heat, and Team Alton would have Emeril raked over the (souped up kettle grill) coals in no time.
And I shudder to think where the stick blender would end up…