Encouragment: Dealing with the Irrational

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I need a little bit of pep - I need to talk someone who is in authority over me out of a completely irrational and very harmful (to me) decision.

I’ve shared in the past about my MIL. She is occasionally given to tantrum, and since my husband and I now live with her (long story: short version: we have no money, she invited us) we are somewhat subject to her whims. As background, she has been a widow for about 5 years.

We thought that we were lucky to have gone two months with no blowups, but last night, something happened. We had been discussing the upcoming holiday season, and the fact that it was my family’s turn for Thanksgiving. Apparently, we spent last Thanksgiving with them, so it is her turn. Um, no. We spent last Thanksgiving at her brother’s house.

She skipped because of, um, another tantrum. So they happen a few times per year.

I don’t want to admit this part, but my dear, dear husband has not mastered the art of leaving her alone when she’s irrational, and so they were yelling at each other before bedtime. He, joking to provoke her, her, furious. This morning when he left for school, she told him that we needed to start looking for somewhere else to live. Other than that, she has not spoken to him today. I get to defuse this when I get home from work.

I have reviewed all of my coping skills. Talk quietly, ask for a cooling-down period, apologise for anything she wants (global warming, high cholesterol, cost of gas, it is all our fault, if she needs it to be). I want to end this with us not getting kicked out, perhaps a chore chart so we don’t overburden her with stuff (I thought we were cleaning up after ourselves, but whatever), and her thinking that she won. I am willing to cry (turnabout is fair play). I know that she is abusive, but I’m still enough of a stranger that I don’t think she can yell at me, if she starts off rational. We have written proof of legal residence, so she can’t actually throw us out (ie, she can’t say we are trespassing). She will be all tears and apologies in a week, if past behavior is any prediction, but how do we get her past her anger? We are going to spend T’giving with her, after all, (I know, rewarding bad behavior, etc) and Christmas is her turn anyhow, does anyone else have any ideas?

I swear, I wish our secret plan was going faster. We are moving as close to out of state as we can in two years, and not ever moving back near her. I know this will be ok, but it sucks to have to manage someone else’s crazy for them.

2

If you actually wish to continue living with this woman, then kiss her ass and tell her what she wants to hear. You are both ungrateful wretches and she is a shining example of selflessness, blah blah, whatever. She will predictably get over it. Though if you actually want to live with this woman, I would have to question your sanity.

ETA: sorry, that was not meant as snarky. I’ve been under the thumb of folks like her more than a few times, and I have little tolerance for it. I’d rather live homeless on the street than with someone like that, but I did once have a friend shoot back, ‘‘Speaking as someone who’s actually been homeless, I would have to say that anything is better.’’

3

Oh, I know. Its just a step in the plan. I would be crazy to try to do this long-term, hence the secret plan. I hate to say it, but I will be glad when she is no longer a burden. Not that I wish her death, necessarily. Sanity would work. Maybe I’ll confess my, how you say, chemical assistant (fluoxetine), and she’ll look into it. Maybe I could drug her food! Did I mention that I cook for her?

4

Ok, I’m off home. Hope me luck! I’ll update in the morning.

5

Aaaand that was anticlimactic.

I had things to do after work, and got home at 9. I asked her if we were ok, gesturing between she and I, and she said yes, I clarified, saying that I knew that there had been some, I dunno, tension? And asked if there was anything I could do, or if she wanted to talk to me about anything. And she said that everything was fine and normal. She didn’t want to talk.

So, I guess we’ll be pretending that nothing happened. She really is a nice woman when she isn’t in the throes of anger. But, I guess what everybody who gets abused says about the abuser during the make-up period, right? :rolleyes:

I am so glad that this is temporary. The more time I know her, the more convinced I am to never move back here or ever let her babysit, especially after my kids are old enough for her to use (manipulate).

Yay for knowing that she has a problem, and not thinking that its my fault! Yay mental health! I’m so glad that I’m not burdened by thinking that I am in charge of anyone else’s feelings or actions!

Thank you all for listening, and Olives for caring to post in her own stressful time!

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Now talk to your irrational husband.