What’s your opinion on this perspective a friend of mine had when he was a junior in college?
He was two years into a relationship with a woman (they ended up breaking up after eight years). In his zeal for her, he told her he would not ask her to do anything he wouldn’t do himself. At the time, she was curious about, but also nervous about, experimenting with women (which he shamelessly encouraged because a threesome was possible). But both of them didn’t feel like he was being fair in asking her to experiment with women when nothing was on the line for him.
He therefore told her he would experiment with a man himself so they could be equally uncomfortable. He tells me he swears he had no real attraction to men, and still doesn’t…he decided to do it because he wanted to show solidarity with her. He did not harbor this secret desire for men.
Years later, he tells me he is happily in a relationship with a woman, but deep down, he would just love to go down on a guy again though he’s only attracted to the act, not to men in general.
Is his decision to experiment with a guy to show “solidarity” for his girlfriend a real thing? My gut tells me he always had this curiosity and just decided to share it then when he could benefit from being in the situation with her. But has anyone ever heard of someone deciding to “bat for the other team” solely to emotionally support someone considering doing the same?
Is the concept of “I won’t make you do anything I wouldn’t do?” common in modern sex culture? Personally, I decided to start “snowballing” (google if you don’t know what it is) because I felt bad that she was going through the act alone. However, I still find many men express that “ick” factor when it comes to this and other acts. It seems to be tolerated. If you are turned-off by it, you don’t have to do it. But why isn’t this concept of “equality in sex” more popular? It seems a no-brainer. You of course don’t want to criminalize someone who’s disgusted by a certain sex act, but why isn’t equality for both partners valued as much as respecting their individual turn-ons and turn-offs? To me, at least, it’s so sexy to show your partner that you respect their journey and will join them on it. It’s the height of acceptance and love. I feel like it should be part and parcel of the sexual experience. If this equality concept is popular, I don’t see it very often. It’s usually more “you do what you’ll do, and I’ll do what I’ll do”. People are so happy within their comfort zone.
This guy is gay or bi, end of story. His equality views are just a bridge to gay sex.
Men and women are different mentally, physically, and biologically no matter what people want you to think. I don’t think most women want to do everything a man normally does in sex (like oral on a woman), and I don’t think most men want to do everything a woman does.
Frankly you friend’s whole spiel sounds a load of crap but this part (*especially *the bolded part) tells he me is in fact attracted to men.
In answer to your first question, if by “go to bat for the other team” you simply mean have a sexual encounter involving someone of your own gender, I don’t think that’ that rare. I know I have a few times and while not repellent exactly, I can’t say I got anything out of it. It was strictly done for the purpose of turning my guy on. No way in hell any of the guys I’ve been with would do the same for me and I’ve never felt the need for them to.
What the hell is snowballing? I’ve been wondering about this since I saw the movie
Step Mother* (or maybe that was snow blowing?) but for some reason never got around to looking it up, and I’m not going to do so from here at work.
I saw some movie about the basic premise. Started as a short film and then was turned into a full length feature. Anyhoo, if this is real I think that guy is coming on to you (because he wants you to come on him).
I believe in don’t do anything you are not comfortable with, simple as that. I won’t do anything I am not comfortable with. I have had a few women try and transfer the snowball to me and it frankly pisses me off. I would say your friend is bi period.
It’s impossible to answer your question in a context where it’s still significantly less socially cool to be into guys if you’re male, to the point that folks readily believe that many of those who are would try to hide it.
In other words, in a world where there was no pressure on males to hide having a same-sex attraction, there’d also be no reason to suspect that someone who said they had no such interest actually did.
(There’s also be less of a prurient “gotcha” attitude on the part of people voicing such a suspicion, as if they’d successfully ferreted out a case of someone doing disgustingly dirty things)
Your gut is right. Most probably he was operating from his subconscious desires to partake in homosexual acts.
Taking the theory of “I won’t make you do anything I wouldn’t do” so literally is a bit idealistic and part of the post-modern deconstructed society we live in, and which you have succumbed to. It’s OKAY to be masculine. It is OKAY for men and women to have DIFFERENT SEXUAL EXPERIENCES AND ROLES. But it is a personal choice, and there is no right or wrong. But you did post this for public feedback, so…
Gender roles and traditional sexual roles are part of our cultural operating system and you may be freaking people out with your so-called equality theory and ingesting your semen because your partner does too. There’s a reason why most guys do not ask to receive anal sex from their wives, eat their own semen from her mouth, or cuckold- a relationship is about power play and he will be perceived as being weak, it will be brought up in fights, and eventually he will get dumped.
Most women who are on the receiving end of anal sex from a guy do not believe that they need to strap on a dildo and play tit for tat out of some skewed fair play justice. So why should you? Some women enjoy to have their feet or butts licked, but will not lick a guy’s feet or butt. I know many a married man who does not receive oral sex, but he gives it. Perhaps the biggest issue in all relationships is the frequency- there’s usually one who wants more. These are frustrated relationships, but both partners should have thought about this before marriage. Partners with huge sexual appetites play better with the same types, because both are open minded.
You should not have felt “bad” or morally or ethically obligated to eat your own semen just because your partner eats yours. The better equivalent would be giving her oral sex since you would be drinking her juices.
Yes, people are happy in their comfort zones and just because you literally duplicate the acts on yourself in which you perform on a woman doesn’t give you the right to keep pushing the envelope by playing these “equality games”. If a partner does NOT want to, let’s say, be a swinger you are overstepping your bounds to work on her to come out of her “comfort zone”.
Thank you. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to go along with this practice. Sure, I’ve teasingly tried to kiss a guy after a blow job but that’s why it’s a “threat”, because it’s disgusting to him and I don’t blame him (not that’s it’s disgusting to me but I can see why one wouldn’t want a mouth full of their *own *bodily fluids).
And to be clear: if you “feel bad” because your partner does not like semen in the mouth, instead of joining in on the act, you should stop ejaculating in her mouth. You she doesn’t indicate that she doesn’t like it, there’s no reason to partake because you “feel bad”.
To clarify, she doesn’t not like it. If she actively told me she was not willing to, I wouldn’t do it at all. But she was and is willing. I just know from experience how it tastes, and I thought she shouldn’t have to go through it alone just for my own pleasure.
Your other arguments are cogent.
I guess what you’re arguing is that this “equality” stuff I’m spouting is a dangerous slippery slope. You can easily extend the concept into absurdity. It’s mainly just a way to hide behind your own desire to participate in that activity, or at least curiosity about it. In the end, everyone has their own tastes and turn-offs and that’s okay.
You’re saying that women and men are different, and that you get no extra points for trying to enjoy something on the basis of solidarity.
So the real “height of acceptance and love” is simply respect.
In regards to snowballing, yeah, it’s not amazing, but it can be intimate, as, I suppose, can most anything else depending on the participants. I used to think being bisexual made me a better lover because I “knew what guys like”…but now I know I only know “what I like” and that “guys” are all different. Still, I’d like to believe there’s some benefit to having batted for the other team, though I can’t put my finger on what that might be.
If you are openly bisexual and this friend knows it then I’d say he is opening that door and hoping you take the initiative and step in. He is definitely gay or bisexual.
I can only speak for myself, though I think my situation is pretty common; I’ve participated in 2 girl 1 guy scenarios and as I said, it was only for the enjoyment of my partner. I guess I was technically “experimenting” but it doesn’t really feel that way to me because it wasn’t my desire or idea and I kind of just went through the motions and thought of England:p For all I know some people do think that makes me bi. Can’t say it bothers me one way or the other. Anyway, I think many more women have gone along with this kind of thing than men. Dudes (a lot of them) don’t like their sexuality to be challenged in any way. Shit, most of them won’t give one another a hug much less a blow job.
I totally agree with you. I just think that if society treated male/male sex the same way it does woman/woman sex, many straight guys would “experiment” and still consider themselves straight.
I agree. I still think the best way to go is to not “consider” yourself anything. Once you label, you become more or less than you really are. I only call myself bi because it’s convenient, but in reality I’m just “Dave.”
If I’m understanding you correctly, I’m in agreement. The standard shouldn’t be “I won’t make you do anything I wouldn’t do.” The standard should be “I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do.” Nobody should feel obligated to perform some sexual act just because their partner is willing to do it.