As some of you surely know from some of the posts I’ve made around here recently, I’ve been dating a wonderful woman for about two weeks now.
I found out today that she has a son. Now, it’s no fault of hers that I didn’t know this before: she’s told me flat-out, with no insinuations, jokes, wordplays etc. at least four times, including at least once before we started dating. But somehow my skull was just too thick for it to penetrate. Plus, I reckon, I had such a powerful fear of fatherhood and adult responsibility that I subconsciously blocked it out. I even met the kid twice, and convinced myself he was her brother’s because I’ve only seen him while her brothers or her sister (most of whom have kids) were around. It was pretty much the shock of my life today when a mutual friend asked me over the phone if my girlfriend’s son was with us on New Year’s Eve.
I asked the GF about it when I saw her today and she told me the full story, the details of which I shall refrain from sharing. I will tell you, though, that the kid is in the early stages of elementary school and you could say he isn’t real familiar with his biological father (a man, by the way, who I really look forward to castrating some day). The poor thing (the son) apparently used to ask my now-GF all the time when she was going to find a new dad for him. When I first saw him he threw his arms around me and gave me a big hug. He didn’t know I was dating his mom at the time, but he later saw pictures of me in her room and then made the connection when I showed up at the house the next day and said something [in Spanish] to the effect of “Look mommy, it’s your boyfriend!” and couldn’t wait to show me the pictures.
The guy really, really wants a father figure in his life and it hit me like a sack of bricks tonight that I’ve already pretty much signed up for the job. This is a real shock to me. After I started to grow pubic hair my biggest fear was that I was never going to find a woman who liked me; and ever since I started to find women who liked me my bigger, all-encompassing fear has been that I would become a father before I was ready. This is a completely new situation for me, and frankly, for a 19-year-old college student it’s frickin’ terrifying. On the surface, from a logical perspective, it looks like my worst fear realized.
But thinking about it brings a smile to my face. It’s the weirdest thing, and it’s something I never thought I’d do–certainly never thought I’d do this young–but in my mind’s eye I picture myself being this kid’s adoptive dad, and raising him into a man, and teaching him everything I know about life. It’s a powerful image. It surges through me and breaks me down to bits.
While I commend you for wanting to be a loving and responsible father figure, I think you need to proceed cautiously here.
Two weeks is not a very long time to have known someone. Do you really see yourself in a permanent relationship with this woman already? It can be quite harmful and confusing to a child to have a revolving door of “new daddies” coming in and out of his life.
Personally, I would recommend trying to take things slow and getting to know the mom better before you get too attached to the child (or more importantly, before the child gets attached to you).
That’s what bothers me, and that’s why I actually try to keep my distance. I know it’s too early to commit myself to the kid. Unfortunately, I’m kind of afraid he’s already attached himself to me, because he wants so badly to cling onto an adult male.
On my end I think it’s just kind of grown-up male fantasy. I’m definitely trying to be cautious about this, and believe you me, I’m not going out trying to be a dad. It just kind of hit me today that I’m closer to it than I ever have been before, and even if I don’t try to be a father figure–and again I emphasize to you that I don’t plan to any time soon, I’m much, much more focused on the mom --the kid might already think I am. Of course it’s far too early to make any kind of long-term commitment like that. But the mom and the son both seem to have attached more to me than they have to anyone else recently. It’s all kind of confusing, actually…
Might I recommend you not be around the little boy for the next 6 months? It won’t be easy, but it’s possible. And entirely necessary for the sake of the kid, especially if you already sense he’s growing some sort of attachment to you. You and the mom need to figure out whether the dating relationship is going to work before you can even begin to involve the son.
I was 25 when I started dating a 28-year-old with a toddler. We agreed that I wouldn’t be around the child for the first six to eight months. It is possible, though somewhat tricky and often frustrating when schedules can’t be coordinated. It worked great for two years, and we were both glad we did the early months the way we did.
But then: I actually ended up remaining in the relationship with the mother for two years longer than I should have simply because I didn’t want to walk away from the little girl. The mother and I were both fine with the eventual break-up, but it killed me not to be able to see her daughter. And from what I heard later, it was pretty rough on the little girl too.
This is a really good idea and something I’ll have to consider. Unfortunately, given that I’m in school and he’s in school, too, most of the time I have to see her is the same time she has with her son.
This is what I’m afraid of. If he really attaches to me and the relationship with mom doesn’t work out, I could end up being just another man who walked out of his life.
What **Happy **said. My son, despite my best efforts, had a string of “pseudo-daddies” when I was in college. With my current husband, I didn’t let them meet until three months in, and they spent no real time together until 6 months in. It worked much better for everyone. I was no longer worried that my date loved my kid more than me, the kid didn’t get attached, and we got to know each other for who we are as people, not as an audition for parenthood.
OTOH, this:
pretty well sums up parenthood! So take it slow and honest with the mom, and if your relationship works out well with her, then you’ll be a great dad. But work on your relationship with her first.
And go rent Jerry Maguire again. It will suddenly have a whole new world of meaning for you. It’s not really about sports.
I’ve actually never seen it, but I’ll have to remember to go rent it for the first time. Seriously, though, thanks for the advice. I think I’ll try to get some of this stuff discussed and hopefully worked out tomorrow when everyone’s awake, and not just me.
--the kid might already think I am. Of course it’s far too early to make any kind of long-term commitment like that. But the mom and the son both seem to have attached more to me than they have to anyone else recently. It’s all kind of confusing, actually…