I have recently re-entered the dating pool after a 5 year marriage that resulted in a child. I am curious about the general attittude of other singles when it comes to dating a single parent. My friends seem to think of it like herpes, in that I should only date other single parents, who presumably can’t get anyone else. I believe this attitude to be false for single parents (and herpes, for that matter). My questions are: Would you date a single parent? How soon should a prospective date reveal that he or she is a single parent? Are single parents somehow better suited to date other single parents?
I was a single parent and I mostly dated men with no kids. One (who I fell in love with) kept me at arm’s length. Others weren’t put off in the least. The one man who had his own kid was such an absentee parent that I decided I didn’t want to hang with him anymore. It’s a mixed bag. Most men (in my experience) are cool with it. You’ll know 'em when you see 'em.
I’m a single parent, and I have never dated another single parent (by chance – I would certainly be open to it, since it would be nice to have someone who can relate to my situation). So far, I’ve not had a problem finding people willing to date me/enter a relationship with me. However, if I were in the typical age bracket of women with children my age, I might have had a different experience (I had my son when I was 18).
I could certainly understand why someone would choose not to date single parents. It’s even more complicated than a standard relationship – and who wants complications? I do think that the folks who are loath to do so are going to see their dating pools winnowed, as more and more people are having children without being married or in a relationship.
As a single mom, people often assume I’m looking for a father for my child or just an open wallet, or I’m stupid/slutty, or that I’m so desperate for companionship I’ll take the first loser that comes along. Be ready for that.
But here I am, going on about my experience when you’re looking for childless singles’ opinions. I’m interested as well – let’s hear it!
I can’t do it. I’ve done it. Dating is hard enough without adding kids to the mix. YMMV.
I found myself playing babysitter and finding it hard to figure out how to act when the kid acted up. It wasn’t my place to discipline someone else’s kid, so I just shut up about it and tolerated the kid’s antics until mom got fed up with the kid as well.
Other people I know have found great relationships dating single parents. More power too them, cuz I can’t do it.
When should you let them know? ASAP! I went on a first date with a woman and I had no idea until I actually went to pick her up that she had two kids. As soon as I found out, I knew this was going nowhere and a second date was out of the question.
However, not to ruin a good evening, I kept my mouth shut and took her out anyway. We had a good time, but I just never called her back after that.
I would guess that a single parent would be more likely to date amoung other single parents, but I know people who have no kids and who have no problem dating single parents.
If I were back in the dating pool, I believe that I would not date a single parent unless the kid was pretty much all growed up or the parent were absolutely spectacularly perfect for me. I’m 42, and I don’t think I’d much enjoy having teenagers driving my car when I’m 60.
Single-parentness should be announced innocuously but early (oh, I can’t meet for coffee Saturday morning; my kid has a dance class). Before the first date is even discussed, even, because as you said, this would be a dealbreaker for some people.
I think it depends not so much on why the single parent is a single, but why the other person isn’t, that decides whether or not it’s a good idea for them to date. If the non-parent is unable to have kids, that person may make a great partner. If they hate kids, not so great.
I have known lots of single parents, and as a general rule they were happy dating people who accepted them as they were, and the way they were included the kid.
When I was a single parent, I didn’t even want to date. I was forced into talking to my now husband, on the phone.
I don’t know if I could date someone with children. I guess it depends on the circumstances.
I was fine by myself, but everyone else seemed to think I needed to be with someone. My aunt and my cousin schemed up a plan. THEY TRICKED US! 
They told him all about me, without my knowledge, and he wanted to meet me. Theyt were so exicited that they thought they made a love match, they they called me at home and said, “Liz, I want you to meet someone”, both of us at the same time were like “no no no, HI!”.
I love him…
thanks Aunt Cathy and Chrissy
My sister-in-law was widowed with three kids. My “replacement” brother-in-law, who is very quiet and had never been in a serious relationship, asked her out within a few months of the accident. (He is also 5 years younger than her, I think.) It never bothered him a bit, and he has been very good to her kids, who are all grown now. I would guess that he probably is a better father than husband.
A no-child cousin also married a single parent with a daughter. He did joke about all of the women being “DWI” - divorced with infant.
As a single parent I prefer to date single parents. Although I would not hold it against a lady if she didn’t have kids. I think trying to relate to the single parent situation without having been there is more of a complication that dating someone with kids. And if the kids get along then things are greatly simplified. So go ahead and get back in the pool. Just be sure that if the kid cannot stand the person then stay away from them.
I like dating singles with children. I don’t mind. When they don’t want to do something anymore they just say, ‘I have to get so & so home & in bed’ :-0
I really though that new video, ABOUT A BOY, shows both sides of this fence pretty well. You might enjoy it.
My wife was a single parent when we started “dating.” I already knew her as a friend, knew her kids as well. Although I enjoy kids (we went on to have 2 of our own), it was kinda tense at times. Her kids weren’t sure how I was supposed to be fitting into the mix. (Neither was I). She had to know how to balance mommy and SO roles. It was bumpy sometimes, but we have been married 20 years now.
I dated a single father a couple years ago, on a very casual basis. That situation was, perhaps, slightly atypical: I was 22, he was 29 - seven years can make a vast difference at those ages. Plus, he’d become a father fairly young - his boy was 9.
I liked the guy, but was very apprehensive about dating a father: I didn’t want the responsibility of being an authority figure to the kid, nor did I want the kid to feel that I was taking his father from him.
Part of my worry was, as I said, exacerbated by my relative youth; I was only thirteen years older than the child in question.
So yeah, we resolved to take things exceedingly slowly. This ended up not mattering because he suddenly stopped calling, but whatever. 
Would I date a single father again? Yeah, on a very casual basis. I wouldn’t rule a more serious, committed relationship out, but he would have to be pretty special.
I have dated several women who already had children (some of them still had husbands, too)!
But it never really bothered me, ( I mean the children, not the husbands) not enough to not date them.
I figured, if we fell in love and decided to get married, why let the fear of a child prevent me from my happiness. Plus, I figured that if I could love her, why would it be so difficult to also love her child.
I would not worry about it, look for a man who is mentally mature enough to handle life, and you should not have any difficulties.
Oh, and good luck, I wish you find your happiness…really!
My girlfriend has a daughter, and it took a long time for me to actually commit myself to her. For the first few months of dating, I never looked past where we were. I never thought I could date a mom, or-- heaven forbid-- marry one.
But now after three years, I love her and her daughter, and have no problem with the single parent role she’s in. I even learned to be somewhat of an authority figure. 
We’re planning on getting married, so that’'s a good thing.
If you do date a single parent, take things slooooow. My parents were divorced, and when my mom started dating someone when I was about 9, I hated him/ the situation. He just sort of came in, and took my mom away from me (or so I felt.) My mom, God bless her, saw how angry and uncomfortable I was, and ended the relationship with him, and put dating on the back-burner until I was all grow’ds up.
In short, dating a single parent can be very rewarding if: you like his/her kids, don’t mind playing second fiddle to a tyke once in a while, don’t have a problem (if you fall in love with him/her) with helping to raise someone else’s kid. But it can also be very difficult, as that kid is (or should be) that person’s #1 priority. You might have to step off at times when you don’t necessarily want to.
Happy
Very interesting responses! Thanks for your feedback. This leads me to some more questions.
Would the age of the child matter, for example, a baby vs a school-age child or a teenager?
Does is matter if the single parent is the custodial parent?
Is it easier to date a single dad than a single mother?
“Is it easier to date a single dad than a single mother?”
I don’t know, I don’t date guys.
Bear in mind one of them has primary custody usually. The other may sue for custody. That’s expensive & boy if you are dating someone who gets sued for custody, you’re in for quite an emotional ride.
When I first met my girlfriend’s daughter, she was 3, and she seems to like me pretty good. When I first met my mom’s “gentleman caller” (I refuse to say “My mom’s boyfriend” :)), I was 10 and a royal pain in the ass to the guy.
I would suspect the younger the kid, the easier it would be to see mom or dad dating. I think the worse time to first meet the kids would be 8-18. I also think boys would have a harder time seeing mom date, and girls would have a harder time seeing dad date. My dad started dating right after the divorce, and re-married shortly thereafter, and while I wouldn’t say I was ‘fine’ with it, it didn’t faze me that much. Seeing mom date on the other hand :mad:…
YMMV
Happy
Oh, and another thing you should consider, as I noticed handy just kind of brought up, is his/her ex.
While most people have exes, not everyone has to deal with their ex on a daily or weekly basis. When a kid’s involved, be prepared to deal with a potential asshole or bitch. (Granted one man’s bitch and one woman’s asshole is another person’s treasure. So the single parent you’re dating is probably somebody’s else’s bitch or asshole.) Just be prepared to deal with that; it has the potential to be quite awkward, and even downright unpleasant.
Happy
Sorry, this is pretty long but it’s something I deal with every day
I guess I’ll tackle this one as I am in this exact same situation. Actually I believe I’m in some people’s nightmare:dubious:
My girlfriend Denise has Miranda, a 7 year old daughter who is very very good friends with my eight year old daughter Claire. We met at the YMCA picking up our kids last December and her first impression of me was “opinionated and eats out waaay too much”! I had the kids for NYE and we went over to her house to hang out around 7:00 PM which turned into 4:30 AM the next morning. I asked her out a few days later and we’ve been together ever since.
Logistics: She lives two doors down from my ex, I am actually moving into the apartment next to her Feb 1 so I will be sandwiched between my ex (Anne) and my gf. Anne and I are on pretty good terms, to the point of my having keys to her house and my gf’s house on my key chain.
We see each other on almost a daily basis, we pick up each others kids at school, spend a lot of time together with all three kids (son Andrew aged 6) is also friends with Miranda.
We all get along very well most of the time but I must admit it’s good to be able to leave and go to my own place;)
She is a sole single parent with her asshole ex living in Ohio whereas I am in an interesting situation; we are divorced but we still talk daily and are there in the support role for each other that most divorced parents do not have. This makes it easier for me to schedule dates and such but we are pretty much bound to our kids and their schedule (very happily I might add!)
This has the benefit of making me look like a great guy all the time in comparison to her ex but she feels a bit of resentment that I still have the rapport and support mechanisms in place that are there in a marriage. Case in point, tomorrow night we are going to a party at her friends’ house and I am having Annes’ mom watch the kids overnight while Denise got a baby sitter who was free but still not a family type arrangement.
We have had some issues with keeping romance when almost all our time together is in a parental setting (kids and tv, kids and movies, kids and eating out,…you get the point) We are working to make sure we set aside personal adult time for each other a couple times a month—minds out of the gutter;) I mean I try to make sure we go on “dates” or do something without the kids so we can work on our relationship in an adult setting.
The girls were pretty funny about it in the beginning, squealing and laughing if they saw us kissing or sitting next to each other but that is pretty much a thing of the past now. Andrew seems to have taken in it more in stride but perhaps is because he is younger I don’t know.
We talked at length about authority and how we handled decisions vis a vis each others kids but we have found that we both tend to go into “parent” mode around them and neither of us has had a problem telling the kids what to do. Discipline has been handled mostly separately but we agree very closely in that regard and have both handled bad behavior on the other kids’ part with little problem. No corporal punishment!
We are pretty open about our relationship and decided early on not to hide things from them. We have both slept over at the others house while the kids were with us or not. I realize that is a touchy subject (Anne has NEVER had anyone stay the night) but we felt it was better to show that adults can and do have loving and stable relationships and that intimacy is not a bad thing. We don’t discuss our personal life with them but we have taught them about the birds and the bees and we have discussed sex ed with them (Claire and Miranda primarily; Andrew has not asked about it as of yet though we are pretty sure the girls have told him what they know)
All in all it has been pretty darn good so far but there are always issues in any relationship and having kids just makes it that much more complex. We seem to be doing well but long term discussions are touchy as we are both totally committed to our kids first and want to make sure that any decisions we make will be in their best interest.
I’ve been told by a couple of guys that they think single moms are ‘easy prey’ because they’re ‘needy’ and basically anything will do. So some guys I have had the misfortune of knowing prefer to date single moms thinking they can give very little and get everything in return. Other guys I’ve talked to automatically dismiss a potential partner if she has kids.
Most women I know don’t seem to care either way if a guy has kids.
Personally, I would be apprehensive but if the guy was a good person, I’d certainly date someone who is a father. Frankly, I’m almost 30 and most people by this age have had serious relationships, a marriage, and/or children by now. I would be dismissing quite a number of people that way.
I’m married to someone who was the non-custodial parent of an 8 yo when we met. It was hard, very hard as his daughter and I didn’t hit it off at all. 14 years later we still don’t. If he had been the custodial parent, it would have been a dealbreaker. I don’t agree that parents should put the kids first in terms of who they have relationships with. If a new partner is respectful of the children and nice to the children and the kids just plain don’t want that person around, then I don’t think the parent should put their romantic life on hold until the kids are just fine with it.
My partner didn’t have custody and under NZ law was unlikely to ever get custody. He wanted a family. His daughter wasn’t going to like anyone in his life. Should she have been able to manipulate him into putting his life on hold until she was 18?
OK this is turning into a hijack ;). I think dating someone with a baby or toddler would be easiest, as they get older, it gets harder.