Looking for information on how other guys’ equipment works.
Here’s the situation - I am a 29 year old male who is beginning to increasingly experience erectile dysfunction (I am so glad this board is anonymous). Sometimes it takes a while to get an erection, and it is never as hard as it used to be. Also, if there is not constant physical stimulation, it rapidly goes down. As a result, I have an appointment with a urologist in a couple of weeks - I am not asking for medical advice here.
As I’m sure you can imagine, being only 29, this has me quite concerned. But fortunately I have a wonderful girlfriend (of the same age) who is very supportive and wants to help me through this. We have talked all about the issue, and I am very glad to have her support. This morning we had an especially interesting conversation, though, as we started to fool around.
She was describing, in her experience, things that caused erections. For example, I was sitting in bed, with her sitting on my lap (both clothed), and she was griding a little bit as we were talking. This is not sufficient to give me an erection, though she thought it should have been. Basically, in her experience, if there’s a sexual atmosphere occuring, I should have an erection.
I generally don’t get one until physical stimulation starts. Is this normal? I have no idea how quickly other guys “respond”, not having been with any. Is it normal for the erection to subside if physical stimulation ceases? (She seems to think not, at least for a while.) How powerful is the mental aspect of sex, powerful enough to maintain an erection by itself? How long can you maintain an erection regardless?
Thank you for your responses, I think it will help me understand my problem better.
I’ve got sexual difficulties induced by drugs…luckily (?!) my girlfriend lives 3000 miles away at the moment, so hopefully things will sort themselves out…
Physical vs mental stimulation…hmmm…I guess everybody is capable of either…there’s pure physical pleasure without the slightest thought, and on the other hand there’s times where the strongest fantasies won’t cause the slightest motion down below. Everyone has a different balance between the two - drugs, illness and psychological problems can all affect that balance. Don’t look on the problem as trying to ‘correct’ things, just to find a new balance to enjoy.
If things are becoming awkward because what ‘usually’ works isn’t doing the job (which seems to be what you describe), then resorts to cliches try something different. Needn’t be a huge change - it can be as little as a change of position. We have many areas of stimulation, and you’re never going to hit them all at once. Or if you do, let me know :D.
I’m not a doctor of medicine, ski, but I know there are a passel of different answers to your mysteries. Are you taking any prescription drugs that might affect your turgidity? Many can, you know. Do you know that at age 29, Mr. Happy doesn’t instantly snap to attention at the drop of her hat, like he did at 15, and that’s normal? He saves himself, now, for the real thing, instead of twanging for every passing cheerleader.
I could keep prattling on, but your urologist knows more about this than I do. In the meantime, take it easy. Worrying about it can cause it.
I can certainly maintain without physical stimulation, merely the prospect of sex can keep me going. Likewise, I have been in sexually charged situations where the likelihood of me gettin some were nil, and Mr. Happy was snoozing away.
I can be receiving oral and take some time to inflate, or be able to cut glass when the SO is till asleep. In my experience it is HUGELY mental after you mature beyond the tent-making-in-light-breeze stage of life. If your girlfriend were grinding and you were talking about money problems, for instance, the money problem would keep the old boy down without having any dysfunction terms being bantered about.
If your relationship is rocky, that can cause a lack of desire. I would not be at all surprised if it were mental.
For my husband it’s very mental too. The other day I was trying to get him aroused and there was no response at all. He had some trouble at work that day and he was very tired.
But today, I was baking cookies and I looked like crap, but I couldn’t get him to leave me alone, he was obviously excited (not only about the cookies). He’s 38.
I’ve heard people say that if you think too much about it, it’s just not going to work. I hope things work out for you.
I agree with UncleBill – at age 29 it’s probably mostly mental stimulation that puts a smile on Mr. Happy. Though it’s not uncommon for me to wake up ready to go, so who knows if dreams have something to do with it? I certainly don’t remember any erotica when I wake up. If your girlfriend is up for it, have her start stimulating you (in whatever fashion she thinks would get it up) when you’re dead asleep. If you get wood, then physical stimulation is still doing it for you.
Here’s another experiment you can try but some may consider it icky. Hey, it’s all in the name of your health, right? Go to a strip club and watch for a while. Find a dancer that catches your eye and buy a lap dance. Does Mr. Happy perk up? If not, then it might well be a problem physically or mentally with you. If so, I hate to say it, the problem might be in your relationship with your girlfriend. There may be an underlying problem that you don’t recognize yet that is keeping you down when you’re around her. Of course, this experiment would be null and void if you’re extrememly uncomfortable at a strip club anyway. Some alcohol (some, not a lot) might be in order beforehand.
As always, IANAD, and there’s a good reason why. Go see your urologist, but they are not always good at diagnosing a mental block. Some other counseling might be necessary if it’s not physical. Or maybe that’s just the way you’re built.
As others have said, a lot of things can affect your performance. High blood pressure combined with high cholesterol; enlarged prostate; medications to treat some of these disorders; obesity combined with BP and cholesterol; depression; low testosterone. The list just goes on. They’ll figure it out.
I have the same issue at times, and I have to agree totally with UncleBill and dragongirl. Quite often it takes physical stimulation for me, because my wife and I have 3 kids (including a baby), lots of bills, and stuff to do. I love her and think she is beautiful, and very sexy (more-so every day)…but the ‘nurture and take care of’ side of me is very much disconnected from the ‘perv sex machine’ part of me. If I am worried about our finances (happens often), work, or the kids, it takes a lot to get me change gears (I also obsess sometimes…not one of my more attractive attributes). Sparky always responds to physical stimulus, but often will take a few moments to get going.
Quite often, this in turn makes my lady wife feel less than sexy, and can put a damper on things, adding more stress,leading to less responiveness…you can see where I’m going with this.
That said, I’m working that out by trying to give up some responsibilities, and enjoy life with my soul mate more in general…not thinking about it, as was suggested, does the trick very nicely.
Stonebow, your post put into words exactly what I was thinking. I believe for a satisfying sexual connection with your partner, ALL things within the relationship must be good. Communication is the key issue. If there are underlying stresses between you and your lady, this may well come out “in the bedroom” so to speak, hence a lack of “performance”. Additionally, worrying about that lack of performance may escalate the non-physical responsiveness.
Ski, really take a step back and analyse even your thoughts at the time of becoming intimate with your lady. Are you thinking thoughts of a sexual nature with her and the pleasure that will evolve, or are you at times, side-tracked with other issues that may be clouding your desires?
It does seem to me that perhaps your ‘problem’ is not so much a physical glitch, but more one maybe of an emotional nature.
The most important thing (and yes, I know it’s easy for everyone else to say this, but) try not to get uptight or stressed about it.
I would suggest to your lady, that she try stimulating you in ways that might be totally different for you both and see how that works!
Patience, understanding and reinforcing the love you both share, I believe, could change things for you.