Ethical Question: Any Responsibility to Break Personal Guarantee of Confidentiality?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve a close friend, let’s call her Lucy, who’s cheating on her boyfriend who’s an acquaintance of mine, let’s call him Bill. She told me what’s happening after I promised her that nothing she said would leave the table, however, I feel some responsibility to inform Bill before she makes his situation worse.

The deal, essentially, is this: Lucy and Bill have been dating for two years, but because Bill was temporarily relocated for work, they recently took a 6 month hiatus. (I suppose I would describe their relationship during that time as “open”.) Anyway, Lucy met someone during that period. She did not keep the existence of this other man a secret from Bill and made it clear to him that she was having a difficult time choosing between the two. Although Lucy never told Bill anything along the line of, “You win! I want to be with you forever!”, when Bill moved back to town, he moved in with her, and she told him her relationship with the other man was over and there was no more contact between the two of them.

I’ve come to learn that the relationship with the other man is not over. True, they haven’t seen each other, but they chat on I.M. for hours a day. Lucy has every intention of breaking up with Bill, but A) she doesn’t want to hurt him and B) she’s friends with all her previous boyfriends and wants remain so with Bill, too. To that end, she believes she can engineer a break up in such a way that Bill never learns about the continued involvement with the other man and wants to maintain a friendship with her.

Lucy’s plan, both drawn out and overly reliant on hope and chance, is basically to get Bill to break up with her and keep her relationship with the other man a secret for “up to five months.” I don’t know Bill very well, but he doesn’t seem to me like the type who’d want to friends with an ex regardless of the circumstances of their split.

If Bill knew Lucy was still chatting with the other man, he’d probably leave her immediately. Even under the best circumstances, Bill will find out about the other man when he and Lucy do get together—and when that time comes, Bill will fill in the blanks with whatever he wants—real or imagined. Also, Bill will spend the time between now and the day he and Lucy eventually break up fruitlessly (but devotedly) trying to keep their relationship stable—time which would be better spent getting on with his life.

Lucy says her motivation is to protect Bill so the break up is as easy on him as possible. She refuses to believe that she’s really trying to make things easier for herself. I’ve told her directly that I believe what she’s doing is very wrong, but she disagrees. I’m very, very bothered by this, but I gave her my word that I wouldn’t tell anyone what she told me. What are my ethical responsibilities in this situation? Am I required to keep my word, and besides, this is an issue between Lucy and Bill? Do I need to tell Bill even if it would mean the end of my friendship with Lucy? Is there a way of informing Bill without breaking my promise of confidentiality to Lucy? (For example, anonymously e-mailing Bill and suggesting he check Lucy’s phone bill. (Although, I don’t believe she and the other man have spoken, so that wouldn’t work.))

Thanks for your guidance.

2

Bingo. Butt the hell out. Unless you are a friend (not an “acquaintance”, a friend) or family member of Bill, I don’t even see why you’re thinking of getting involved. This is not your relationship. No good will come of your involvement.

My only caveat would be that, if it were I in this situation and Bill said to me, point blank, “I think Lucy’s cheating on me, do you know anything about this?” I’d say something like, “Lucy and I are good friends and she tells me things in confidence. I would never break that confidence. If you have concerns about your relationship, I suggest you talk to Lucy about them.”

3

My vote? Stay well away from this.

4

Another vote for butt out. You promised her that nothing she said would leave the table. You then were horrified by what she told you (reasonable, I would be too). You are certainly justified in telling her that you don’t want to be privy to more secrets like this–if that is what you are in fact feeling, even if that harms your relationship.

Having said this, I’m not really sure that telling Bill sooner accomplishes a whole lot besides making you feel better because you don’t like her behavior. (I don’t disagree with any of you comments about why she should just be honest and end the relationship now, I just don’t think it is your place to make the decision for them.)

5

Stay.

The.

Hell.

Out.

Seriously.

6

Stay out of it, unless you have some reason to believe that Lucy is physically imperilling Bill (say by having unsafe sex with someone who tests positive for an STD as well as with Bill).

And tell her not to tell you any more such secrets.

7

I’ll take “Stay out of it” for $1,000, Alex.

8

I’ll be the dissenter here. I don’t understand why people always say to protect the cheaters. What the hell for? I say rat the bitch out. She really doesn’t have much room to speak when it comes to betraying the trust of others and look at it from Bill’s point of view. Wouldn’t you want to know if your SO was plotting to run off with someone else behind your back? Wouldn’t you be pissed if other people knew and didn’t tell? Would you trust any of them anymore or want to be their friends.

At the very least you should tell this bitch that if she isn’t willing to act like an adult instead of a self-centered twat that you won’t have anything to do with her anymore. If her boyfriends can’t trust her, why should you?

9

Personal integrity is a mark of character. Keep your word.

Staying out of other people’s business is a good practice in general. Other people must be responsible for their own lives and their own decisions. There are some exceptions involving life and death, serious harm and consequences that you know about and other don’t --but this doesn’t fit all of the criteria.

10

That’s true, but by telling N.B, Lucy did make it her business.

This is a hard one because cheating is lying and I can’t stand liars. I don’t find it particularly important to keep my word with someone like that. Your talking about ethics with someone that doesn’t have ethics. And she sounds like a real manipulator.

I probably would have told her after she dropped that juicy turd on my lap that I couldn’t possible keep something like that from someone who didn’t deserve to be lied to and she should probably tell him before I did.

That being said, I’ve known of situations where someone did tell a person that their boyfriend was cheating, and the couple stayed together and she was the bad guy.

One or both of them are going to end up being mad. Next time when someone asks you to promise you won’t say anything, I’d tell them you want to hear what they have to say first. My sympathy on this one!

11

I really think this is one to stay out of - and I would ask my “friend” not to share such secrets with me again. If it were a matter of life or death, I would feel differently, but you did give your word. She has shown her word isn’t worth much, but as much as it stinks I would try to stay out of it. I think my friendship with such a person would be thought over, though. If she lies to the guy she’s living with, who knows what other kind of lies she’s telling?

Good luck with this.

12

Frankly, if you are still going to be friends with someone as immature and ridiculous as Lucy, you’re probably going to be in for a lot more of this type of drama in the future. I’d drop her like a bad habit and tell her why. Asking you to keep a secret like that is wrong and shitty and really shows her character, immaturity, and lack of judgement. Just get away from the entire situation, especially Lucy.

13

Look at it pragmatically - if you tell Bill, do you think he’s going to be grateful to you? If you intend to remain friends with any of these people, keep your fool mouth shut.

14

I would tell Lucy that I found her behavior pretty awful and that she was losing my respect. I would not talk to Bill, mostly because Bill would not appreciate it But I wouldn’t continue my friendship with Lucy as normal.

15

Thanks for the feedback. I found the whole situation revolting and wanted to do something, but I’ll go with my first instinct and stay out of it. I’ll continue to encourage Lucy to do the right thing, but she’s lost my respect—and I’ll tell her so, too. (And when everything blows up in her face, I won’t be above telling her, “I told you so” either.)

16

I have to agree with what everyone else has said here - I hope in the future you take giving your word more seriously, and don’t agree to things sight unseen. I don’t give my word lightly, and I don’t give it unless I am comfortable with the situation - I would not have told Lucy I’d keep her secrets. I would have told her that if she’s doing something unethical, I don’t want to hear about it and be put in such an unpleasant position, like the one she put you in, Nobody. In other words, yeah, I probably wouldn’t butt in with her relationship (regardless of how wrong I think she’s acting), and I’d re-think the relationship with her, too.

As others have said, too, don’t lie to Bill, either. If he asks you point blank, all bets are off. Your word of confidentiality to Lucy doesn’t extend to compromising your integrity for her by lying.

17

Stay out. There are time when you have to tell- child or spousal abuse, embezzelment and such like. Serious crimes. Otherwise- zip it.

18

If Bill and Lucy were engaged to be married, I’d say it would be your duty to warn Bill about what he was getting into. If they were just casually dating, I’d say stay out because there’s no reason for you to get involved in some other couple’s drama.

But the situation you describe is somewhere in between-- you say they’re living together, but at the same time she hasn’t promised to be exclusive? I’m not sure about that. On the one hand, their finances are probably mingled somewhat (rent, utilities, groceries, etc.), so if he thinks they’re exclusive but she doesn’t intend to be, she’s conning him and he deserves to know. On the other hand, anyone who moves in with a girlfriend before working out whether the relationship is exclusive deserves whatever ride they get taken on.

So on balance, I think your best bet is to stay far away from this oncoming trainwreck.

19

Keep out - or they’ll find a way to blame YOU!

20

Keep your word, but Dump The Friend. You have character and values that she (Lucy) does not share. If she’d do this to a BF, imagine what she’d rationalize doing to you.