Etiquette question: how to greet someone who has lost a lot of weight?

[susan_foster]

I lost 50 pounds, and my best friend at work told me she had people asking her if I was sick. Not because I looked bad, but because they wanted to be sure before they asked anything. After they got not-ill confirmation, the compliments poured in.

Susan

[Antinor01]

@Sonia Montdore

Don’t feel shy about complimenting your friend. As someone who’s gone from a size 26 to a size 10 since May of ths year, the greeting I love hearing is, “Wow! You look great!” I never get tired of hearing it. In fact, I feel disappointed when I see an old acquainaince and s/he fails to say something like that.

Wow! that is awesome. This may not be the right thread, but I’d love to hear how you did it.

[wasson]

I lost about 80 pounds in a year, and I love, love, love, love it when people say “Jesus Christ, how much weight have you lost?!” I’m a guy, so maybe that’s part of why they don’t really tiptoe around the subject.

I was never offended when people didn’t say anything, but I always kind of thought to myself “man, I lost a lot of weight… do they not notice or are they just shy?”

But I’m a hard guy to offend or make feel uncomfortable.

[JillGat]

As an HIV/AIDS educator, I used to give talks in schools and the community and always had someone accompany me who was living with HIV and could talk about their experience. In the days before effective therapy, there was a woman with AIDS who often came with me and, when she started to fail, she lost a lot of weight. I thought it was an odd commentary on American ideals that the thinner she got, until she was like a rail just before she died, the more compliments she got about how she looked. These comments were often from people who didn’t know of her diagnosis.

[Random]

@Scribble

Or, how about the fact that she was your stepmother, and no matter what her age, there’s no way you’re going to say anything about her breasts.

You’re not the one who did something wrong. Your girlfriend’s being upset at your not talking about one of her family members’ private parts is what’s out-of-line, here.

Well, she was my GF*s stepmother, not mine, but I take your point.

It really was an odd conversation. I couldnt get my GF to see my point – that any comment was at best risky and, at worst, wildly inappropriate. Were both lawyers, so the issue became more of an interesting debate – it*s not like she was seriously or emotionally angry with me.

When we returned from our trip, she ended up polling the guys in her office. I think she expected them to say that was being too reserved, or overcautious. Of course, all of them said that they would have done what I did. And I*ll give her credit – she admitted that apparently my view was more commonly held than hers.

She still couldn*t understand it, though.

[Spiff]

Well, all I know is that it’s definitely **NOT O.K. ** to say “Wow, you’re not as fat as you used to be.”

Yep. Learned the hard way. Engaged mouth prior to brain.

[Scribble]

@Random

Well, she was my GF*s stepmother, not mine, but I take your point.

It really was an odd conversation. I couldnt get my GF to see my point – that any comment was at best risky and, at worst, wildly inappropriate. Were both lawyers, so the issue became more of an interesting debate – it*s not like she was seriously or emotionally angry with me.

When we returned from our trip, she ended up polling the guys in her office. I think she expected them to say that was being too reserved, or overcautious. Of course, all of them said that they would have done what I did. And I*ll give her credit – she admitted that apparently my view was more commonly held than hers.

She still couldn*t understand it, though.

I’m female–have been all my life–and I don’t see how making a comment about your girlfriend’s (now ex’s) stepmother’s breasts would have been at all appropriate. I’m really suprised that she doesn’t understand why the people she polled answered as they did.

[Random]

@Scribble

I’m female–have been all my life–and I don’t see how making a comment about your girlfriend’s (now ex’s) stepmother’s breasts would have been at all appropriate. I’m really suprised that she doesn’t understand why the people she polled answered as they did.

I can’t fully explain it either, but 3 things about her situation are probably relevant. First, although she’s a smart, articulate person, she had (and probably still has) some social-interaction blind spots. Second, her family was very outgoing and not at all reserved about personal/medical/body issues. Her father is a physician, and things like medical procedures would often come up in conversation. Also, he and his wife were very into keeping fit and looking good. So my (ex) GF had a somewhat atypical view of what normal family/household/social discussions might involve. Finally, the step-mom was her dad’s 4th wife, not in the picture when the GF was growing up, and significantly younger than her dad. They (SM and GF) has more of a older/younger sister relationship than parent/child.

Still, I thought it was very funny that I was in trouble for not commenting on the step-mom’s breasts (upon meeting her for the second time).

[Sonia_Montdore]

@Antinor01

Wow! that is awesome. This may not be the right thread, but I’d love to hear how you did it.

Gastric bypass. I feel terrific, like a kid again. My energy is high and so is my mood. It’s one of the very best best things I ever did. If you want more information on gastric bypass, we could start a separate thread. There are several other GBS patients here on the board; I’m sure they’d all be happy to chime in and answer your questions.

[Antinor01]

@Sonia Montdore

Gastric bypass. I feel terrific, like a kid again. My energy is high and so is my mood. It’s one of the very best best things I ever did. If you want more information on gastric bypass, we could start a separate thread. There are several other GBS patients here on the board; I’m sure they’d all be happy to chime in and answer your questions.

Congrats to you again. I only have about 30 pounds to lose, so GBS is not an option for me.

[Ephemera]

@Zoe

When I first lost half my body weight, many people had difficulty adjusting to the change and so it as unhealthy – even though I was not at all underweight. They cautioned me not to lose any more even though I could have comfortably lost another twenty to thirty pounds with my small bones.

I’m not saying that that’s what you are doing with your friend, but do give yourself a chance to adjust to the difference. Is he really unusually thin?

God, yes. I dropped half my body weight as well (360 to 180 since 2004) and am often annoyed by a few family members telling me I’m too thin when I’m still twenty pounds over the ideal weight range for my height and it’s all because they’re used to me being so fat and haven’t yet adjusted to my new size.