How did losing weight effect how other people treated you?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have read several threads recently, where people mentioned that after losing a significant amount of weight people treated and interacted with them differently. I will be undergoing weightloss surgery at the end of this month after which I will (hopefully) lose a lot of weight. So I am curious as to what other people’s experiences have been in how they were treated differently by other people after they had lost a lot weight. I have not always been heavy but I can’t say I remember being treated too differently when I was thin.

So for all the dopers out there that have lost weight, how would you say people treated you differently after your weightloss? Did people treat you with more respect? Did people treat you better? Worse? Or did you notice a difference at all?

2

There weren’t many big differences on the surface, that I was aware of. But there was one thing that was more subtle that I found very jarring the more I noticed it.

When I was very heavy, other people never commented on my food. I never realized they simply weren’t commenting on my food, I didn’t think about it one way or the other but if I had I would have assumed that most people didn’t comment on what other people ate in general. Looking back, I think what was going on is that there is a societal norm that people don’t want to focus on “what the fat girl is eating” because they don’t want to call attention to a fat person chowing down.

After I lost weight, I was repeatedly amazed that many people make comments about one’s meals. Especially with people who met me after I lost weight – I’m talking about very lighthearted comments in passing. For example, if I ordered dessert, the waitperson might say “Oh, I love that cake, I try really hard to avoid it because I don’t need the calories, but when I indulge that’s the kind I always go for.” When you’re fat, people NEVER say that to you. I’m not talking so much about friends and people I know very well, obviously (I think) that if you are out to eat with friends, people naturally talk about what they are eating, but the more random encounters you have with folks when you are buying food or eating food in public. Comments on portion size were especially weird to me at first, often people make mention of the size, in a positive way – it’s that American thing where a large portion often indicates good value for your money, so a coworker might exclaim over the largeness of a sandwich and want to know where I got it, in a “oh, I want to check out that deli!” sort of way.

I guess it seemed so odd to me because it seemed as if suddenly, everyone else switched gears on this, when apparently, many people make these comments all the time … just not to fat people.

That was the biggest thing. Smaller things included the people who hadn’t seen me in a while, and could not stop talking about the weight loss – not just positive, supportive comments (always appreciated) but the guy who works on another site who kept interrupting his own meeting to say “you look great, I just CAN’T BELIEVE IT!” which started to make me paranoid that in previous meetings he was distracted by how UNGREAT I looked. Of course, we all know people who are socially clueless in general and I expect such things from them, but I’m talking about people who are otherwise socially normal and so I was surprised how quickly they crossed that line. I thought one woman was going to touch me, she was so excited – hello, personal space!

Another was becoming aware of how many people talk about other people’s weight – and not even in a mean way, just in an observational way, and their own diets. I guess they self-edit when they are talking in earshot of a fat person. I miss this a little. I would rather not know that everyone in the office speculated when a coworker down the hall gained or lost 5 pounds.

Honestly, I wouldn’t say better or with more respect – I think people are generally nice regardless of how much I weigh, but these are more like little differences that surprised me.

3

For the most part, it’s little things. A few examples:

[ul]
[li]At the grocery, I picked up a Reeses Peanut Butter Cuo for my husband (who was not with me at the time), but was 1 short being able to pay cash for my groceries. I put the RPBC back, since it was .88 – a very nice-looking man behind me in line held out a dollar and said, “oh, don’t put that up, here.” I thanked him and explained that it was going to be for my husband, who really didn’t need it, so it wasn’t a big deal. I have the feeling that if I had weighed my old 350 lbs instead of 117, he wouldn’t have made the same offer. [/li][li]Even though I would get hit on occasionally when I was still very overweight, it wasn’t as blatant as it is now – guys will literally hit on me in front of my husband.[/li][li]Heavy women hate me. I hear little remarks like “little skinny bitch” and “oh, you think you’re so great because you’re skinny” Fuck that, I think I’m so great because I don’t judge people based on their weight like you do, bitch![/li][/ul]

One thing to be aware of with WLS is that you will rfeel the need to explain things to other people – and you don’t have to – such as why you only eat a few bites. “no, I’m not on a diet, I just don’t eat very much” People will stare at you and you know that they are judging you and thinking “whatever, fatty, you know you’re going to pig out as soon as you’re home!” But you can smile and know that that isn’t the case. Eventually, you will be small enough and able to eat more normal portions that you will feel normal when you go out or eat in front of other people.

If you have always been heavy, I will offer a very important bit of advice – find a therapist now, pre-op. Someone that (preferably) specialises in Body Dysmorphic Disorder. As you lose the weight, you will find it harder to recognise yourself. You will still see yourself as heavy, because that is what you have always known. It is a very difficult adjustment for those who have been overweight their whole life (or a large percentage thereof) and having a therapist will make it much easier for you. Plus the whole hormonal thing – if you don’t already know about the hormonal issues, please ask, I will be happy to answer as best I can.

Remember, a lot of people get to the point of needing WLS because they have addictive personalities (not saying this is the case with you, just in general) and so be careful that you don’t trade one addiction (food) for another (shopping, drugs, alcohol, etc). Again, therapists are very helpful here.

Sorry to have somewhat hijacked your thread, but let me offer one more bit of advice – there is another website (www.obesityhelp.com) that is a great source of information for people undergoing WLS. Check out the site and take all that you read there with a grain of salt – trust me, ignorance is not being fought there, but ask your surgeon to clarify anything that you see there, you know?

Good luck! If you have any questions specific about WLS, please feel free to email or PM me, I will answer as best I can. FTR, I had medial Gastric Bypass Surgery on April 18, 2005. I lost a total of 206 lbs in 13 months, then another 8 post-tummy tuck. I have regained about 15, which is what my PCP wanted (still have a normal BMI, and wear between a 0 and a 6 depending on the cut/style). I am very healthy, with great labs every time.

4

I got laid a lot more.

5

I just wanted to say welcome to the SDMB, Xqzme, and good luck. I hope you end up healthier and happier.

6

Xqzme, I had Lap-band surgery a couple of weeks ago myself, and although I haven’t lost a lot of weight yet, I have lost large amounts of weight in the past.

One thing I find which happens if you are large is that you become a bit invisible - people sometimes don’t look you in the eye. I found when I lost weight, people became more likely to engage with you (particularly men) and this can be a bit unsettling if you use your weight as a shield from attention, as some of us do. Of course, most of us enjoy positive attention (especially from the opposite sex!)

As Delphica says, people become focused on your weight loss and it can come to dominate conversation. Larger friends and relatives can become defensive as your weight drops, even if you don’t say anything, some people may not be able to handle your weight loss and see it as a competition or as a commentary on their own circumstances. Friends (even spouses) can find it very confronting.

On the whole, I’d say people treat you better, although it’s good to be aware that there are those who may not be supportive.

(By the way, Litoris, I’d just like to say that 206 lbs is an amazing weight loss - what a great effort!)

Good luck, and welcome!

7

I will agree that I became less “invisible” after losing weight. I definitely get ogled more than I did, which is a blessing and a curse.

I also agree that I get a ton of comments about what I eat. Mostly it involves people commenting on how healthy it looks, which they sometimes say with admiration, and sometimes with disgust. Like it’s a terrible thing I’m having hot cereal for breakfast or a salad for lunch. I also get questions asking me to explain why I don’t want any/more/whatever kind of food.

8

Litoris, out of curiosity, is this heavy women in general, or specifically those who know that you were once heavy?

9

I haven’t lost a ton of weight yet, but I’ve noticed that every time I lose some, my mom tries to feed me more. She’s also overweight, so sometimes I wonder if she feels better if I’m larger so she doesn’t feel as large herself. My father also starts to ask me if something’s wrong with me. Given that I’m a good 40 pounds overweight, this always irritates me a little. Also, in my family, food = love. If I don’t eat seconds of whatever fatty, high-calorie meal my mom just cooked, I must not love her. Because if I did, I’d clean my plate every single time. :rolleyes:

For what it’s worth, whatever my weight, my husband is always very supportive and so are my friends. They notice, but don’t gush, which I really appreciate. When people gush over how much better you look, you always feel like you must have been a disgusting slob earlier.

10

This happened to me when I lost thirty pounds through dieting. I finally got to the point where I actually asked someone, “Did I look terrible before or something?” I mean, it can make you paranoid. I understand people want to be encouraging, especially if they know you are continuing to lose weight, but sheesh.

overlyverbose, my mom was always trying to sabotage me as well, especially when it became clear that I was successfully losing weight. She’s a sad case.

11

I get a similar effect. I know I’m on the heavy side and should diet for a bit if I visit my parents and my mom doesn’t feed me much. On the flip side, if I’ve been dieting heavily and I’m at a low body fat percentage, my mom will stuff me full of junk food and send me home with lots of leftovers. :slight_smile:

12

I can’t speak for Litoris, but IME I get those comments from people who have just met me. Yes, I’m thin. No I’m not too thin. Yes, I work at it and I chose what goes in my mouth. Making healthy choices doesn’t make me a bitch.

13

Wow. I think we must be related. Although my mom tends to be more insidious (or just evil). Her MO is to notice I’m losing weight, tell me how great I look, comment that I sure was looking fat beforehand while attempting to shovel food into me and at the same time commenting that I shouldn’t eat what she’s feeding me because I’ll get fat.

Every time I eat ice cream now, I imagine I hear my mom chanting, “Calories, calories, calories. Do you really want to eat that?”

14

I don’t know if this qualifies as a “significant” ammount, but a few years back I lost 30+lbs. I worked really hard to lose that weight, so imagine how crestfallen I was when all I got was negative feedback. Especially from my family. I was so proud about losing it, and all they did was talk about how much better I looked BEFORE. Mmph.

It’s interesting, I think, how our culture is so obsessed with physical perfection, the Hollywood ideal we’re all supposed to worship and strive for. And yet if you DO make changes, take the steps–you’re often met with hostility. ):

15

With my mom, I’m not sure if it’s anything particularly evil–I think she just likes to see me at a fairly average weight. If she sees me with Skeletor-like definition, she probably just gets worried. :slight_smile:

16

It’s the women who don’t know that I was heavy before. In fact, I have had people say (once they found out that I had WLS) “oh, I used to hate you when I thought you were just a little skinny bitch, but now, I know you were one of us.” It’s really stupid. Of course, there are a lot of people who have had WLS but not the success I have (the one thing to remember with any weight loss method is that everyone’s results will vary – and mine were not typical at all, my results were way above the norm) who give me hell because I am “cocky” about my loss.

Honestly, I try not to be. One of my best friends is very overweight, and will always be because she is deadset against WLS. That’s her choice. She is at the point where she could probably get it covered by insurance, but also is still not really bad. Does that make sense? Because of her, I try not to brag or be obnoxious about my loss – I don’t want to alienate her. According to her, I am actually easier to get along with now, because I am healthier, which makes me happier. Go figure!

Of course, I have a funny story – my boobs are pathetic. I went from a 58 H down to a 32 D – they’re droopy, sad and hideous without a bra. I have this absolutely gorgeous little red corset-style dress that makes my boobs look amazing (we’re talking cleavage for days here) – one night I wore it out to dinner with my husband and we had to go to Wal-Mart for some stuff afterwards. Some couple walked by and I heard the wife all but yell at her husband “stop looking at that slut’s tits!” I started laughing and without thinking, said “ya know, having a nice rack no more makes me a slut than wearing jeans makes you a lumberjack.” Crap, I am usually the one going “OMG, LitHubby, check out her tits! They’re amazing!”

17

Oh, for God’s sake - that’s ridiculous. I didn’t realize there was some sort of battle with the thin people against the overweight. Why can’t people just be happy for others’ successes, or if they’re just like that, their incredibly fortunate genetic inheritance?

18

I’ve gone up and down a lot, but the time I lost 120 lbs I found strangers treated me much better. I decided I’d probably been discriminated against, though I hadn’t realized it at the time.

19

I just wanted to add that I have a pretty impressive resume – even though I don’t pad it – and when I was heavy, there were at least 2 occasions in which I was told over the phone “well, we want to hire you based on your resume and the references we have checked, so the interview is just a formality.” When I arrived for the interview, it was clear that my size was an issue by the look on the interviewers’ face. In both instances I was told, “oh, I am so sorry we said that on the phone, we ended up hiring someone else just this morning.”

Could I have sued for discrimination? Yeh, but why bother. I let those people live with themself. Funny enough, the place where I work now has a very high percentage of overweight/obese employees, even though the hiring manager is all but skeletal-thin – she just doesn’t judge a person’s look, and that’s one of the reasons I stay here.

Oh, and overlyverbose you would be surprised at some of the comments that people will make in front of or to me. I have mentioned in another thread that I like to carry around a picture of me when I was around 350 lbs so when someone makes some hateful comment about a fat person I pull it out and go “oh my gawd, I know, right? Look at this fatass!” and let them show their ignorance, knowing that inevitably, they will ask “who is that?” :cool:

20

I lost 180 pounds (and have gained back thirty, which I’m trying to lose again) and honestly can’t say I’ve noticed any real difference in the way people not related to me have treated me and the only thing I had to deal with from them are constant exclamations of how great I look or how I’m “just shrinking!” when I’ve not lost any significant weight or have even gained since the last time they saw me. It got old pretty quick and I still hear it from time to time almost a year after I’ve started regaining but I’ve learned to just drown it out.

As for strangers (I’m not friends with anyone from my morbidly obese days) I’m a fairly average looking guy now and pretty shy and quiet until you get to know me so I tend to just blend in. Most people are absolutely gobsmacked when I tell them how much I’ve lost or that I’m still on a diet. Even at 215, I don’t really look heavy at all clothed.