This doesn’t make any sense to me. People who are 18 are still developing their identities too. And I know I could cite plenty of statistics to evangelical Christians which would fall on deaf ears, because those statistics conflict with their religious beliefs. If it is true that people who are out of their teens are less likely to become Christians, isn’t it all the more imperative that you go fight for their souls? I don’t know if I’m misunderstanding, but the way you’ve phrased this is that people should pick the low-hanging fruit rather than fighting the tough battles. It seems odd to me.
If he’s a good friend, then you might strongly suggest that he discuss everything that happened with a trusted church elder before getting involved with a youth group. If he did this in Japan then he broke the law. If he tells you this, and he knows you are aware of his past actions, then he will take your silence for approval. Don’t be silent.
Oh, there has been a great deal of self-criticism in Evagelical circles on the emphasis (and dumbing down) of Child & Youth Ministry and the need to do intelligent meaningful outreach to older people. There is a BIG drop-off in church attendance after kids graduate High School, move out of home & go into college & work, but there is also a growing effort to focus ministry to them also.
My thoughts:
We are born with, or gain VERY early in life, a “roadmap” of what attracts us. For most, it’s the adult opposite sex; for a few others, the adult same sex. For a few, it’s something from pre-pubescent children (pedophilia) to pubescent (hebophilia) to just post-pubescent (ephebophilia) adolescents. Nobody taught you to like what you like, it’s instinctual and built in. As a result, you can deny it or control it, live a life of celibacy, or hide in the closet, but you can’t change it.
I’ll agree with the previous posters. If he regrets his encounter, and wants to avoid a repeat performance, surrounding himself with temptations and being an authority figure or even a “role-model” type of leader is not the smartest course of action.
Gandhi may have convinced the world that he slept with teen virgins to prove the strength of his chastity, but oddly enough in this day and age, we disbelieve Michael Jackson, for example, when he claims the same love and hands-off with his “special friends”.
If this one relatively minor incident has eaten away at your friend for years, why tempt himself more? He may claim his desire to work with and help youngsters is driven by his love for Jesus but is it his love/lust for the kids? I think he is deluding himself and his desire to help is really his desire to be near targets of his affection.
We typically equate sex offendders with the worst, the “drag them in the bushes and rape” category; but a lot of them seem to be like any other normal person trying to make connections, genuinely thinking they love the person(s) and wanting to help and be their friend. The trouble is (a) in a position of or near authority he may mistake deferrence to authority for consent, (b) the other person is not mature enough to consent, and © a lot of adolescents are confused (the “am I normal?” problem) and not understand what is happening.
For his own good, he should stay away from temptation. Like the 500 lb man with passing Baskin Robbins, he wants something he really should not have. Tell him that staying as far away from kids as he can is him proving to Jesus how much he truly cares.
Dostoyevsky,
From what you wrote about your conversations with him, I sense that he is motivated by a need for closure, i.e. "let me show how I can overcome temptation given the same set of circumstances’. And I also get the sense that he seems to be asking some vague form of permission. It seems a bad idea all around not to tell him what you think.
If that is true, then he needs to realize that the way to show that he’s overcoming temptation is by not putting himself in the same circumstances. That dance of coming as close to the edge as possible is a bad one.
Does it matter that he was a repressed gay? Why does that make it any better than if he was an out gay man (or straight guy)?
Starting from the premise that a twenty year old sleeping with a fourteen year old boy is not necessarily abuse, but is rather… odd… the oddness is diminished somewhat if one understands that he was maybe trying to do it with someone who wouldn’t tell anyone.
I guess what I’m saying is that his potential partner pool was significantly smaller if he was in the closet.
He didn’t miss the “opportunity,” he had it and used it to abuse a child.
He should never have another such opportunity.
Tell him Satan is tempting him with these desires. then tell him you love him enough to protect him from temptation.
Then punch him in the mouth everytime he mentions it. If he actually acts on it and puts himself in aposition to work with kids, beat him sensless and leave him for dead.
. . . not that I’m bitter . . .
Worse than that, it’s like an alcoholic wanting to work as a train driver. It risks other people rather than just the employee and the employer.
I’d recommend being circumspect in handling the matter as he can deny ‘your story’ and sue you for defamation.
I think it sounds like he’s putting himself and others in a potentially risky situation - and that even if he feels that his desire to do youth work is entirely in earnest, he could be misunderstanding his own feelings and desires - and that his desire to lead young people might be partly rooted in feelings he’s trying to repress.
Another possibility which can never be completely ruled out is that he’s not telling the whole truth about his motives and that he’s hoping the youth work will ‘accidentally’ lead to further encounters that he knows are not really appropriate.
The trouble is that as an evangelical Christian, he probably believes that its possible for the past to be completely left behind and for a genuine and lasting change to happen to him. Even if this is true, my experience is that Christians tend to view this as something that happens far more often and more readily than is in fact the case in reality.
He just shouldn’t put himself forward for this kind of work. It will expose him to temptation, and if others know about his past, they will always be suspecting the worst - some of them will also end up circulating rumour about him. If the organisation has proper controls, he will fail the safeguarding checks anyway, unless he tells lies.
I might be erring on the side of pessimism here, but I have seen almost exactly this situation go very, very badly wrong once before (the detail that was different was that object of the friend’s desire was girls, and a little younger than 14). The person in question ended up in prison.
I’m reading all this and taking it in. Thanks!
He’s never explicitly said. But I have to think that given the language he uses to describe the old him vs the new him that he doesn’t think he is.
It seems that from his perspective, he doesn’t get to pick his calling. It’s something God picked for him. I could be wrong about that.
Well, we’re becoming good friends simply because we talk a lot. I guess a forthcoming conversation about this topic will determine if we are/shall be.
This is the assumption I make when I’m not assuming the worst in him. If this really is his drive, and I don’t think this is a bad desire, perhaps I can redirect his redemptive efforts towards some other, safer outlet.
Hhhmmm. That’s worth considering… never thought about it in that light because he always comes across as so certain of himself due to his faith. Maybe he’s unknowingly wanting my support.
Couldn’t be friends? See, I feel the opposite. I think one of the reasons for friendship is to say, “Hey stop being stupid.” And now that I’m convinced my gut feeling is valid, I’m gonna grow a pair and do this.
Can you elaborate on this?
It seems to me he needs to find an Evangelical way to be content with what his limitations are always going to be. Again, I’m not versed in this belief system in detail, but I’m fairly sure I’ve heard Evangelicals say things like “God works in mysterious ways” and “when God closes a door, he opens a window.” Or if that’s not correct, substitute what the Evangelical reasoning would be. That’s something he’s going to have to work on with someone in his faith system.
Me personally, since I’m not in his faith system, I would just tell him that he needs to come to terms with the fact that he’s not going to do youth ministry and he needs to talk with people who will help him find contentment in what he will be able to do.
Again, from experience, this sort of notion is very common amongst evangelical Christians, more so in the younger ones (both younger in age and younger in their faith).
The idea that God might instruct you to dedicate your life to something is really easy to erroneously attach to whatever it is you wanted to do anyway. I’ve made this mistake and lots of my friends did too. In my case, it just meant I wasted some money on musical instruments I was ‘being led’ to learn.
If your friend says he really is being called to do this, you could ask him if he thinks he could possibly be mistaken. If he claims infallible knowledge, it needs to be pointed out that he’s already stepped off into deep water, and if he does acknowledge the possibility that he could be mistaken, he needs to explore the potential consequences of that possibility.
I’m not going to rule out the possibility that he has had a truly life-changing experience and that he really is cut out for children’s work - it’s just that there are lots and lots of cases of Christians being sincerely wrong in this kind of way. (although usually not with such grave implications)
re: being attracted to 14 year olds.
It is my impression that a lot of times in church-y contexts that inappropriate sexual contact is preceeded by inappropriate emotional intimacy. And so the “I’m married” “S/he’s married” nothing could possibly happen labels quit acting as barriers and the next thing you know, you are exploring sexual feelings as well as emotional ones.
This is not the ONLY possible pattern of events, of course.
But I find it easy to believe that in the abstract, fourteen year old boys have more height than couth, are large, stinky, high energy pains in the neck . . . . but if one met one on one over a stretch of time, one might find his redeeming traits and develop an interest one didn’t have at the outset.
And now you introduce someone who has already admitted to having issues with boundaries in this area in the past, and . . . well, I don’t think it’s a good idea.
(and a lot of what Mangetout says about callings.
I would offer a compromise. He could still work in helping kids, but do so from literature or from the planning stages, and not actually be in contact with the kids.
And I do agree that he probably wants to prove himself. There’s this idea that, when God truly forgives you of something, you lose all temptation to do it. It’s used as a measure of spirituality on whether you have the desire to do “evil” things. In other words, you need to communicate that nothing he does is going to make him feel more forgiven.
So everyone here seriously thinks that his past behaviour is that awful?
I think that the OP could do a much better job releasing him from evangelical christianity than he can from so-called “paedophillia”. Once he’s fully accepted who he is he can do the following:
- Have a healthy sex life with appropriate aged men
- Not waste his life on jesus-freakism
- Consequently, do something useful for society
- Almost certainly be a lot happier
Why enable this rubbish? It’s a lot worse than sleeping with a 14 year old lad*
*Unless the relationship was seriously abusive. In which case, frankly, you should report him to authorities, and not be pissing around here.