I actually wish I could. This is my first choice and a long term goal. Talking him out of a new youth ministry has become my short term goal. I’m not sure if he’s gay, repressed, whatever, but I do think the fact that he’s single and sexually inactive is putting stress on him. So, regardless of his orientation I think he should find a romantic interest.
I really have no way of knowing this. I think this incident probably took place in Japan roughly seven years ago with a kid who was fourteen and, well, you now know as much as I do.
As I said in my post, I’d talk to him about it. But if he ignored my warning and continued trying to be in the presence of children I could not stay friends with him.
"Quote: Originally Posted by Drew Kit
I’d recommend being circumspect in handling the matter as he can deny ‘your story’ and sue you for defamation.
Can you elaborate on this?
Last edited by Dostoyevsky; Today at 11:06 AM. "
Yes I can elaborate on it from personal experience but at the risk of incriminating myself. I am being charged for warning people that a child-groomer was in their midst. This 30 something guy licked 8 year old daughters of the vunerable single-mothers he seduced. Not penetrative sex, not a matter of consent or whatever, just blatant and repeated lower-level abuse.
I also tried talking to him, and then various ways of dealing with his behaviour without involving the police, but in vain since I am now he one charged with a crime.
So my advice is don’t tackle this yourself, and don’t rely on online advice. Just because you are inoccent and well-motivated doesn’t mean this won’t be damaging to you. Tread, and comment, lightly.
Do I think he’d benefit from forgiving himself and moving on with his life and not letting himself be defined by his mistake? Absolutely, especially in context of friendshipwith him or counseling him.
But I would not allow/encourage one on one interaction with teens, especially in a spiritual context.
On the other hand, I am a Christian. Whether I define myself as an “evangelical” Christian depends on the day. I am deeply and thoroughly hostile to the suggestion to convince someone they’d be better off without God, and only slightly less hostile to the suggestion that I should convince someone they’d be better of without their specific God, especially if that God bears some resemblence to mine.
My church is moderately to severely anti-gay, and that’s about where I stand, too. I don’t tell people they will go to Hell for Gay sex acts, but I’d be uncomfortable encouraging someone to form an age-appropriate same sex relationship. (And rather ill-suited. Talk about the blind leading the blind! Although I’m not gay, just shy and inexperienced.)
Cite? From EVERYTHING I’ve read and experienced, this is absolutely NOT the case. Predators of this sort offend over and over and over again, every time they have or can create the opportunity, and they simply cannot be reprogrammed or rehabilitated, full stop.
I agree. He’s more worried about himself, not the damage he did to someone else. That’s a HUGE red flag. He has no business being anywhere near minors.
Yes, yes, yes! Predators purposefully seek out situations and jobs where they will encounter their prey, just as a crocodile will lurk under the water near the edge of a watering hole, just waiting for a gazelle to get thirsty. I think he’s deluding himself, and trying to talk himself into believing that he’s “cured” of his unnatural desires. He’s bouncing the idea off you because if he can convince you it’s OK, then he’s that much closer to believing it himself.
I so agree. Do not give him the impression that you condone his behavior.
holds flaming Bic™ aloft
My spidey sense tells me he’s absolutely has NOT given you the whole truth. I think it’s far more likely that in reality, he did a lot more than some sort of masturbation or fondling with the kid and/or that he preyed on more than one victim. I think he’s low-balling you, to see how you’ll react. Even if it was just the one kid and just fondling and “no actual sex”, he had to have worked to seduce the kid and gotten inside his head, which is where the real damage lies. Predators don’t just run up on some random kid and start grabbing (usually). That’s not how it works.
Honestly, Dostoyevsky, I think you’re in over your head here. It’s good that he’s confiding in you, because now at least SOMEBODY knows about it. I could be wrong that he’s trying to weasel his way back into contact with kids; maybe he really wants help. I think determining that is above your pay grade, though.
Your friend does need psychological help, and the higher-ups in his church organization need to know about his past. If he was doing missionary work when this happened, they can and should also be liable for what he did. How you can make certain they’re informed, I’m not sure. Maybe tell him you will go with him to talk to the church people about it, because then it’s not just you going behind his back to tell them about his alleged behavior.
Dave, I know you have expressed a desire to work with youth. I also know, because you told me, that you once had sexual contact with an adolescent boy. I know you know that that act was incredibly immoral. I know you know that nearly every society considers that act very inappropriate and that many societies would consider it very illegal. As in statutory child molestation serve ten years in prison where people try to stab you for being a child molester illegal. I know you were devastated with guilt over your past action. I know you know that such actions can mess up the whole life of the child involved. I know you work very hard to be a moral man. I would hate to see you destroy your life and destroy the life of a child by making a similar mistake. Even if you are never tempted anymore by such thoughts or desires, I think it would be a terrible decision for you to put yourself in a situation where there was any chance at all of something like this happening. I am not judging you or attacking you, I am giving you advice because I am your friend and I care about you. There are innumerable different ways that you can help people in general and children indirectly that would not involve placing yourself in intimate situations with adolescents. Throughout life, most people are tempted to do things they consider immoral. And nearly everyone slips and makes mistakes. I think it would be a terrible idea for you to put yourself in a situation where you could repeat a mistake that could have such horrible consequences. If you truly care about pleasing God, helping others, and not hurting your fellow man, you should avoid working with adolescents.
“Compared with pedophiles, non-pedophile molesters commit far fewer CSAs (about 5 percent of cases), have comparatively few victims (two or three) and are least likely to reoffend (averaging six molestations). Researchers describe this abuse as one of “opportunity.” These offenders are typically capable of sexual relations with adults, while pedophiles are less likely to be.”
There is also variation within this sub-group based on various factors that can result in even lower numbers. In this case the person barely even qualifies as a potential pedophile from an age difference perspective alone, you generally need a greater than 5 year difference, and there can be differences even then, eg a very physically/emotionally mature 14 year old and a very immature 20 year old male may mean a need for caution about the diagnosis. On the other hand the 14 year old may have been very immature for their age, etc.
There are various tools that have been developed as a result that make predictions about likelihood of reoffending. If the only identified act was what was listed, the age difference as stated, no physical coercion used etc etc, they would probably not qualify as a ‘high risk’ offender. But there is a huge amount of potential information we dont have access to that could change things markedly either way, one obvious one being sexual response.
Please note I am NOT saying ‘its probably OK’, Im simply saying it is NOT near certainty this person will reoffend on the basis of the information provided to this point, based on the understanding I have of the research.
Edit: I probably shouldnt have used ‘many’ which could be read as ‘the majority’. Im just saying a lot of people have inaccurate ideas about recidivism rates with the different sex offender typologies identified to date and lump them in as ‘all clinical pedophiles’ who are far more treatment resistant. The picture is a bit more complicated than that.
Physiological manipulation of young people is wrong, whether it is used to get sex or just to make the manipulator feel better about him(her)self. What exactly is the “youth work” that he is compelled to do? Even if he could demonstrate that he no longer had a sexual interest in young people I would have to question what it is about young people that attracts him so strongly. Teachers and counselors work with young people all the time and they are expected to have proper training and supervision. Ask him why he doesn’t want to go that route? Why he has chosen to do “youth work” that is vague, undefined and doesn’t involve supervision?
I know I’m cynical but religious and youth worker together are as creepy a combination as is possible.
