Oh man, those are great! I just remembered some more:
Snake Race- When you look down and see many skinny, curved turds collected at the bottom of the bowl. For some reason they usually are a weird orangish color.
Ass Vomit, Poop Soup- Diarrhea, of course
The Scotsman uses “Pebbledashing the bowl” and “Skitters” for diarrhea. I think they’re British terms, and not unique to just him.
My own euphemism for the act is “morning constitutional.”
I am on a very regular schedule. As long as I’m not travelling, I defecate quite reliably every morning after my first cup of coffee…
So, I’ll grab my second cup, tuck a newspaper under my arm, and declare that it’s “time for my morning constitutional.”
Unfortunately, my morning constitutional sometimes asserts itself at inconvenient moments, like when I’m late for work and drink my first cup of coffee in the car. :eek:
When I was first dating my husband (19 years ago), he introduced my younger siblings (ages 4-14) to the phrase “breaking off a piece.” Siblings were delighted with the new saying, mother was completely grossed out and forbade its use. (I still think it’s funny, myself.)
But boy, was it hilarious to all of us when Kit Kat began the “break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar” ads!
I’ve also been known to say I needed to “shake a tit.” And of course, there were the standards–lay cable, coil up a rope, pinch a loaf, etc.
One of my favorite dumb jokes is about turds–why are they tapered at both ends?
One I almost forgot!! It seems that whenever I and my family try to chat online, our bowels cramp in reaction. This is so common to us that we simply refer to it as “the malady.” And it’s not like the usual need to poop. This is “gotta go NOW, move, move, MOVE, before I mess myself!”
Because this affliction was first apparent in our mother, we sisters have also been known to call it “our inheritance.”
“Have a strain”
“Unleash a load of fury”
“Meatloaf”
And a score of “10” in the poo category is when one turd goes around the perimeter of the bowl and you come clean with one wipe. Points deducted if it’s a bowl clogger.
We used to have a shit-eating greyhound named Bunny. Since then, all cat-turds are Bunny Munchies.
Also, when my brother and I were little, we referred to those things as “stinkies”. The use of the word stinky as a noun still causes me to giggle uncontrollably!
I say this sometimes, although the correct usage is “I have to pump a grumpy”
Don’t know where I picked it up but i’ve used it for years.
My grandfather referred to the act as grunting, particularly when applied to animals. For example, upon one’s return from walking the dog, he’d ask: “Did he grunt?”
Grunt also referred to the poop itself, as in “that’s a big pile of grunt!” or “don’t step in the grunt”