I expect those of us with dogs or kids have a few of them!
When we are considering taking our dog to the park, we discuss “taking the thing to the place”.
At work, everyone in our department refers to a bathroom break as “going to the library”. This has been known to cause a little confusion to new people.
What are yours?
“Turn my bicycle around” - bathroom break.
“Fuck show” - pretty much everything else.
Our (adorable) dog has come to act all scared when we use the word non by itself (that’s French for “no”). So when we’re talking between ourselves and need to answer a yes/no question, we use the word négatif. We end up sounding a bit like policemen talking to dispatch.
“Off to fun?” - Going to work?
“Terror time” - Time to feed and trade the cats out (two cannot be together, so one is downstairs when the other is upstairs)
“Gedja”- Turn the light/fan/TV off, please. Started with “Would you get the light?”
Riffing of an old chalkboard gag, I have been known to refer to the restroom as the water park.
One of the first things I learned when I started working in libraries was that they are not “whackos,” they are “irate patrons.”
Take the dunk for a chunk - take the dog for a walk. It has morphed many times as we try to avoid the two dogs knowing what you mean.
We need to go grocery shopping tonight: we are tired of being your company and have perfected an excuse for leaving early.
Trolling the interwebz: wasting time on the internet
Gay test: This is referencing a situation where you intentionally say something to see if another person is of the same, where you will quickly claim you were making a joke if the answer is unexpected. Bonus points if you were trying to draw them out.
Example - Guy 1 “I like your package in those shorts.” Guy 2 “really? I didn’t know you were gay! How relieving, I am too!” Guy 1 “Uh…no I was joking with you.”
Counter example - Guy 1 “I like your package in those shorts.” Guy 2 “ewww you are gay?”. Guy 1 “Of course not, it was a joke!” (errr…no point hitting on this guy).
It refers to any situations in which someone is trying to safely sniff you out. Christians LOVE to pull what I call “Christ Punches” using the same tactic.
When I lived downtown and walked my dog I’d say we were “going to drop some friends off at the park.”
Scooping the litterbox is “digging for buried treasure.”
My wife and I had a conversation once about masturbation. How sometimes you want a steak, but you’re just too hungry and can’t wait, so you eat some crackers instead. Since then “eating crackers” is our euphemism for masturbation.
This is unacceptable behaviour. Whether the guy is gay or not after complimenting his package you should still leave him with the impression that you admire it. It’s just mean to say “Just kidding” after paying someone a compliment.
Oh I completely agree! This was just a situation my girlfriend and I observed and used to describe a situation in which a person wants to know if someone is “in their camp” so to speak, without letting that someone else know that that person is also in their camp.
I’m open for all package compliments! 
I’ve got to blast a dookie.
The dog used to wear a Halti/Gentle Leader on her nose, and that was called her “hat.” And when she stopped using that, and stopped wearing a collar at home, the collar became her “hat” (as in we had to put her hat on before she could go anywhere.)
And once her collar is on, if she needs a leash, that is called a “hat” too. Like “stop, let me put your hat on before we can go” or “stop, let me take your hat off.”
We have far too many inside names for the bathroom. The two used most commonly are:
“Meditation Chamber”
“Cone of Silence” - this one came about because we have one of those fans that turn on automatically when the light turns on, and if the door is even a little closed, you can’t hear people talking to you from outside.
For bathroom breaks, I hear “got to go drop the kids off at the pool”, and specifically if it’s a #2, “got to drop a deuce.”
Careful with that one, the racists corrupted it and made it “Gotta drop the Cosby Kids off at the pool party”. I know you mean it innocently! 
Soylent, did he ever pick up on the phrase? Usually my dogs go nuts at just the cadence of a phrase I use to direct them somewhere.
Going #2 - Dropping the kids off at the pool. If it’s taking a little longer than usual, I say, “Come on, get out of the van already. The water’s not that cold.”
Cleaning up after the dog in the yard - harvesting dark matter. If you’ve watched “Bender’s Game,” you’ll know what I’m referring to. I wish I could fuel my car on his droppings.
As the owner of a parrot with ever-increasingly vocabulary, the words you use shift constantly as they get expectations. Like, “Has he had an almond, already?”-- almond has gone through ‘nut’ and ‘treat’ and ‘yum yum’ and ‘a little sump’in’-sump’in’" and ‘postprandial’ and ‘aperitif’ and so on.
Whenever I take our dog out for a walk, my wife will ask “Was she a D.O.E. or a P.G.D.”?
I don’t remember how this came up, but the acronyms stand for “Doggie of Excellence” (which means she pooped) and “Pretty Good Doggie” (which means she just peed).
Also, years ago, when Anheuser-Busch owned the Sea World in San Antonio, there used to be a stable filled with Clydesdales there. One of the Clydesdales was a stallion named Scotty, and… let’s just say whoever coined the phrase “hung like a horse” had Scotty in mind. This thing’s schlong was close to 3 feet long and was dragging the floor.
Ever since, my wife has used “Scotty” as a joke name for male genitalia.
My parents divorced when I was quite young, so while I visited my dad on alternate weekends, I didn’t actually grow up in his house.
For years, when someone made it clear they were going to the bathroom, he would say “Tell Mrs. Murphy I said hello.” I had no idea where that came from, but when I had kids of my own, that soon because our euphemism for the same activity…usually rendered as “going to see Mrs. Murphy,” and then at some point “going to see the Mrs.”
It wasn’t until just a few years ago that I unexpectedly stumbled across the origin of the phrase while watching TCM one night: it was used in the 1950 movie Cheaper by the Dozen, which chronicled the true story of a large family in the early 1920s. Apparently it originated in the book of the same name.
The kids are all grown now, but my wife and I still trot the phrase out from time to time (NPI).
In my work place, we write proposals for Government contracts and lots of managers insist on being involved in the proposal process who have no reason for doing so other than to claim they “helped”. To differentiate the real reviewers from the fake ones, we traditionally say the fake ones “changed happies to glads and little dogs to puppies” meaning “you can ignore their comments if you are pressed for time”. Whenever we have to team with a company that is not our preferred choice for a bid it’s often referred to internally as “taking the ugly girl to the prom”.