I have recently been in a situation where a sincere apology (actually not made by me but by my five-year-old son, over a relatively trivial incident) was flatly rejected by a close relative (I may give more details later). I don’t know what to do next.
Ever had anything like this happen to you? How did you handle it?
You have to let it go. There’s nothing you can do to make them accept an apology or to make them willing to repair the relationship, so you have to go on knowing that the ball is in their court, you’ve done what is ethically required of you, and have a clear conscience.
In this particular case, I’m curious as to the age of the person who is being stubborn. I mean, if this is an older teen or adult being reticent after receiving an apology from a five year old child, then there is absolutely no futher obligation on your part or the child’s – that person strikes me as being extraordinarily petty. How great could any slight from a five year old be? Yikes.
I should probably have filled in the detail from the start, to avoid confusion.
Family camping trip; me+wife+2 kids + My (slightly older) sister+husband+2 kids.
Some sort of game was in play and my son (5) somehow kicked her daughter (10) on the leg (probably not entirely accidentally, but most likely through excitement, certainly not malice). There is no serious injury, not even a bruise or scratch, just a bit of upset.
I suggested that he apologise, but he was too embarrassed and shy (this is not unusual for him - he is highly sensitive and can be boisterous one moment and (literally)weeping and cringing with embarassment the next.) Situation develops into four other people simultaneously talking at him at the same time as me, trying to cajole him into apologising - this only drives him further into his shell and he bursts into tears. At some point along the way, I (perhaps foolishly) presented an ultimatum that he would miss out on a family meal if he wouldn’t say sorry.
In a flash of inspiration, my wife takes him to one side and asks him if he’d like to come and write a little note saying that he is sorry - he agrees, she helps him with the wording and spelling. The result is a very scrawly, tearstained, but still readable (and I do believe sincere) letter of apology.
I stay behind while he runs after the other family (who have now departed on foot toward the restaurant) to present the letter. Out of sight, but still well within earshot, I hear angry words and a sudden wail of despair, followed by the sound of my son returning in fits of tears. close behind him, my sister appears and tells me that the letter isn’t any good as it isn’t an apology from him because my wife ‘wrote it for him’ (various prognostications were also offered as to my son’s future character if we allowed him to get away with such things).
That’s about it - we very nearly packed up and went home there and then, but in the end we stayed the last night, exchanging only a few words as absolutely necessary.
It should be understood that the above is ‘my side’ of the story, however, I have made every effort to represent it as truthfully as I can.
So in this case, it is the mother of the offended party that is enforcing the rejection of apology.
Sheesh–he’s FIVE. What does she expect? :rolleyes:
Good god, that is unbelievably stupid. So what if your wife did write the note?! How is that less sincere than a forced apology?! Does she not understand that he is a shy five-year old?! She must be adopted.
The Lissar household has conferred, and thinks that your sister ought to apologise to your son. She hurt his feelings, and accused him of dishonesty. As a former shy kid, I think that having a sincere apology rejected scathingly would be horrible.
Your son did splendidly- your sister is a twit.
It sounds to me like the problem here is between your sister and your wife (and, possibly, you) and has nothing to do with your son or his apology. Does your sister dislike your childrearing methods, and could this be her way of expressing that?
Knowing nothing about your family dynamics, I’d suggest letting it drop completely. Unless your son and his cousins usually have physical fights, it probably won’t come up again, and probably nothing good will come of rehashing the incident with your sister.
Since you ask, I did have a sincere apology rejected once. I had thoughtlessly hurt a good friend by saying something that, in retrospect, I should have kept my mouth shut about. I apologized very sincerely, but the friend was understandably still hurt by what I’d said, and it took months before our relationship was anything like it had been before. There’s still a kind of delicate area in our friendship, and we still kind of tiptoe around certain subjects.
This is quite an insightful statement - yes, I think she does feel I could be doing a better job of it (which is not entirely untrue, naturally), as she very often offers unsolicited parenting advice and instruction; any (rare) attempt to reciprocate is not warmly received (I’m not sure whether that’s because she considers I’m not in a suitable position to advise, or that she’s not in need of any advice I might give).
I think I will just let it drop although it will be hard to forget completely and I’m reluctant to put my family in a similar situation in the future.
Your son knows he’s okay now, right? He isn’t living thinking that his life is over (at 5, no less) and that nothing good will ever come of him because of this?
Absent saying/evidence otherwise, some kids (like me) will believe pretty much anything they’re told, especially about themselves.
Any idea if your sister was harshly criticized for her parenting skills when she was new at it?
I can’t recall anything specifically right now, but that’s the sort of thing that would stick with me for ever. The summer after third grade my dad (basically) accused me of shoplifiting and I’ve never forgotten it. That one thing probably put a barrier in our relationship that he would never be able to overcome.
If your kid pops a bottle of the bubbly when your sister dies, this will be the reason why.
Jesus Christ, he kicked her in the shin and she didn’t even bruise, and then he did pretty much all a five-year old can be expected to do. This is seriously dumb of your sister (IMHO of course).
Grrrrrrr…What a horrible way to treat a child. :mad:
I second punha’s observation. Talk to your son.This is the kinda thing that devestated me as a child. Those feelings STICK. Second, talk to your sister. Be bluntigly honest about how seriously you are taking this. Sometimes people act this way because they honestly have no grasp of the way a child thinks or how much damage they are doing. Maybe if someone enlightened her, you guys would come to an understanding. 
I hope so.
{{{{{Mangetout’s son}}}}}}} I feel so sorry for him. 
OK, could I have put MORE smilies in that post? Really?
And what the hell does bluntigly mean? Is that even a word? Perhaps I meant “bluntingly” but I am not even sure THAT is a word. Jeez.
Torie
SDMB’s resident ditz. <----Hey that’s my new sig!
I’d just let the thing drop with the other family and limit contact with them for a while. I’d also let the thing drop with my 5 year old except to point out sometime that the whole thing was stupid and they were being unreasonable.
All that stuff reminds me of squabbles between my kids who are 6 and 8 (ala “did not” “did too” and “nya nya, nya”), and I’m surprised to hear of this kind of squabble involving the adults more than minimally.
So, making a five year old who is trying to apologize for an accident CRY is your sister’s idea of good child-rearing? Boy, are your nieces going to be some fucked up individuals!
(Actually, since the ten year old is turning a kick in the shin during a game into such an issue, I’d wager they’ve got problems already. My mother would have told me that it was an accident, nobody was hurt, so suck it up and cut the little kid some slack before telling him to be more careful. If I’d persisted with the complaining, she would have told me that nobody likes a whiny-ass. Of course, our family reunions tended to end in somebody having to seek medical attention for volleyball injuries inflicted by overenthusiastic teammates, so what do I know?)
What with the whole deal of giving unsolicited advice but resenting you doing the same thing, and making your son cry then coming after your wife, your sister sounds like a real…well, we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she means well. At any rate, I don’t believe I’d be going out of my way to spend any time with her, and it would be a cold day in hell before I’d spend any more time listening to her tell me what a bad parent I was. I mean, if she’s letting something like this turn into a federal case, she ain’t exactly winning the parenting palm d’or herself.
I’d also briefly check in with the kiddo and make sure he’s okay–kids can internalize stuff like this, especially ones as sensitive as your son. You might also explain to him that sometimes when grownups are tired or upset about other things, they say or do mean things that they don’t really mean and that his aunt’s actions didn’t have anything to do with him. Then I’d keep him away from her as much as feasible.
I am going to agree with Crazy Cat Lady regarding her last paragraph especially - my son is just that type of sensitive kiddo and does internalize a lot of stuff - make sure he’s ok and understands it isn’t him.
I am not a child psychologist or a parent, but I was once an extremely sensitive five-year-old, and I can totally understand your son’s reaction. Some of my strongest emotional memories from being a little kid revolve around family gatherings and cousins. My relationships with my cousins were very different from my relationships with other kids (classmates, neighborhood friends, etc.), and we only got to see them occasionally in an atmosphere that was fully charged with all the strong emotions (good and bad) of a family gathering. I was always awed, overstimulated, and very uncertain at family events—including many-a camping trip.
For what it’s worth, it sounds to me like you and your wife handled it fairly well, you by being firm about your son giving an apology, and your wife for having the brainstorm to do it in writing.
I would be sure to reassure him that you and his mother think he did the right thing. I was disturbed if another adult showed disapproval to me (especially aunts and uncles), but I was absolutely devastated if I thought that my parents were disappointed in me. And ditto what CrazyCatLady said about pointing out that adults can sometimes be unthoughtful.
Sounds like your sister decided to unload an awful lot of baggage onto some frail shoulders.
Count me in on the scarred for life thing.
I had a similar thing happen (over and over) with my grandmother.
I was the one popping the bubbly when she died.
I would suggest going up to your sister and…
kicking her in the shin!
Anyhoo…
Excellent post, CCL.
And to answer the question in the thread title, I once had a written apology rejected. Phone rings: “What’s the point of the note?”
But that person didn’t want an apology; she was spoiling for a fight. Which sounds like the deal with your sister.