I passed on a girl after the first time we had sex because she didn’t groom herself down below. At the time, I was still too young and too shy to ask if she’d be willing to do that for me.
I turned down a “casual encounter” with a man who looked like a young Jean-Claude Van Damme (in both face AND body rowr) because he prefaced most of his remarks with “duh”. “Um” would have been tolerable but “duh, you look really hot in that dress” made him sound as though he was special, and not in the unique way. Nope.
Your Man Card is now withdrawn. Please destroy it and dispose of it responsibly.
On your way to get the Estonian flag tattooed on your arm.
I’m not sure this is petty, but I immediately decided it was going nowhere with one guy when he declared, “I don’t read for pleasure.”
Which is fine for him and all, but I probably spend more on books in a month than I spend on food, so we just couldn’t be compatible.
Duh, and combing your back hair.
Countless times. One had a laugh like Elmer Fudd, one I suspected of having a boob job (turns out I was mistaken), one was a masseuse who refused to give me a massage, one had been dumped by my slovenly neighbor whom I can’t stand, one had masculine-looking hands… I could go on and on. I should probably write all of them down; it’d make a good book or something.
I’d be more inclined to buy it as a coffee table book, with fold out legs.
I know of this lady who dumped a guy because he didn’t use enough exclamation points in a phone message he took for her.
I can’t think of anyone hot I’ve passed on for a petty reason, unless not wanting drama is petty.
I used to tend bar, which in a college town is pretty much a license to gat laid.
I was closing up and was about to ask a young lady to stay after to “help me close up” when it happened - baby talk, complete with pouty lips.
I went instantly from “You want to stay?” to “Closing time, get your shit and get out”.
Yeah, your required to at least throw out the idea of a tag team so your buddy doesn’t get cock-blocked, or see if she has a friend for a 4-way.
So there I was, sitting by the deathbed of my dear Great Uncle Earl. He reached out and took my hand, and I was surprised by the strength in his bony fingers. He looked up at me with milky eyes, and said, “John, I’m nearing the end. Could you do one last thing for me?” I stifled a sob and said “Anything.” He said “I just want one last Keystone Light tall boy.” I nodded and said “Anything for you, Uncle Earl.”
I turned to find Uncle Earl’s best friend Boomer standing in the doorway. They’d been like brothers since they were both knee-high to a grasshopper. As I passed, he stepped out with me and said, “John, I know you’re a master craft brewer, but why don’t you pick up a couple 6-packs of Keystone Light as well, and we’ll all have a toast in his honor.”
When I got to the gas station, I had to take a moment in the truck to compose myself. Blinking back the tears, I picked up a 12 pack and that one tall boy of Uncle Earl’s favorite beer, and got on line.
I got the feeling that someone was looking at me, and through the haze of my sorrow, I saw the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen smiling at me. She was a ray of sunshine on the bleak landscape of my grief. I was about to say hello, when she suddenly looked away and then pointedly busied herself doing something on her iPhone.
I stifled another sob and paid for my beloved Great Uncle Earl’s very last beer.
I think I’ve got you all topped.
Personally, I assume that hot people are already shallow and petty themselves. Because, after all, they must have had everything handed to them because they’re so pretty and they must waste so much of their life and money maintaining prettiness. So… yeah, that’s shallow of me and I know it*, but the truth is that I’ll always ask out the egghead over the cheerleader.
- Though it is based on a few real-life examples who truly were that way, including a sorority girl in college who spent an hour sitting behind me on a bus, bitching to her friend about her boyfriend didn’t buy her a big enough engagement ring. Those examples are enough to taint the whole lot of you pretty people.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful
I hate to be the one to tell you, but he was buying it ironically as a gag gift for a friend.
Or maybe once a week, he stops by his dear old mother’s grave, then picks up some Keystone Light (including one cold one), smuggles it into his old man at the nursing home where they reminisce about old times before he has to hop back into his private jet and fly back to Nashville for another recording session before heading back to his lonely penthouse suite where he sits sipping 50 year old scotch and thinking wistfully of the lady who almost talked to him back at the convenience store.
I once got the number of an incredible red head from a bar. I dated her a few times, and her friends were all telling me how damned lucky I was. She was a bit short, but had fiery red hair, nice rack, and short shorts that took my imagination away from me. Gorgeous face! I played my usual “too nice” guy, (I’m a gentleman) and never pressed her for more. This, in turn, made her crazy for me. I was still in college, and worked out constantly, so one day I borrowed a shirt from her friend, and quickly changed it. She expressed great lust for my body, and that night all but pounced me. It was one of the most startling and satisfying sexual encounters of my adult years. The next day we went to the college’s football game. I am NOT a sports nut. When she stood up in her seat and starting screaming at the players, coaches, etc etc…I was completely and irrevocably turned off from her.
I still wonder sometimes if I gave up end-of-the-world sex over sports fanaticism. I made the right choice!
That’s gold, Cubey… gold!