Oh okay. Seduce Bill Clinton. Geez, I thought you wanted a challenge. When Bill is in our talons, you can get to work on the pope. Be careful, though, he’s really old, and may not be able to handle a woman of your villainous vigor.
:: Pushes glasses up nose, studying all the other women around. ::
mental note: do not seek villainnesshood. The clothing looks dratted uncomfortable.
Still awaiting my beating for comment on bottom of page 1. 
Although we really need to start looking at other countries besides the US, boss. Once all our dark birds are in a row, I mean.
Where are redDragon and DrF, anyway? I’m just the lackey, I can’t do this by myself!
<stares menacingly at various do-gooders>
…hmm, I seem to be blinking too much to effectively intimidate these people…perhaps some more caffeine is in order…
And perhaps we should take this one step at a time…once the US is ours, we take over everything else!
Redundant terms if you ask me.
Falcon, having participated in a base closure myself, I assure you that is the least complex of any governmental process. Federal guidelines on the proper procedure for pouring sh*t out of a boot are printed on 5,000 heels, none of which is actually attached to the boot in question.
[ul]Several postal semis enter orbit near Evil Space-Hoboken. The Hoboken master control radios crackle.
Fffft! “Hoboken, this is the United States Postal Service. We have a special delivery for ‘Evil Villains Organization currenly orbiting Earth in Hoboken (Zipcode yet to be assigned)’. Can anyone sign for 150 truckloads of official paperwork?” Beep!
Fffft! “And there’s a radio message I’ve been asked to deliver from the President of the United States:” Beep!
Fffft! *My Fellow Evil Americans and other residents of Hoboken:
The good people at NASA have brought to my attention a little-known Federal regulation regarding the purchase and subsequent launch into orbit of any community which formerly resided within the boundaries of the United States. It appears that the paperwork your agent, Falcon, filed with our government is not complete, in light of the orbiting status of Hoboken. The paperwork accompanying this message must be completed and filed in triplicate with the State Department No later than 4:00 p.m. EDT, Wednesday, August 2, 2000, or the agreement with the governent of the United States of America will be considered null and void, and the orbiting city of Hoboken will be considered forfeit.
If the accompanying documents are not signed and properly filed before the deadline, U.S. Aerospace Forces will release the contents of the waste bins aboard the International Space Station into your orbit. NASA assures me that the subsequent sh*tstorm will be sufficient to seriously damage your orbiting facility and cause it to deorbit, resulting in the fiery, screaming death of Hoboken and all its current residents.
Please respond as soon as possible. Al really doesn’t want to have to refund your recent, generous donation to his campaign fund.
Your Friend in the White House,
William Jefferson Clinton.
P.S.: Hillary is really pissed about this. Hoboken’s voter base was a key element in her run for the senate. She’s also annoyed that noone invited her to join your organization.* Beep![/ul]
For the last time, it’s TAPE!
Ahem.
I can see I’ve been far too lenient with you evildoers. Now it’s time to lay the smack down. <Besides, you’re making me look bad in front of the other Superhero Leagues.>
uses power to create organizational chart All right. Mighty Magnitude, multiply their paperwork with your power of 10. Oxide Man, rust all the metal in their HQ, computers first. Now, having all that paperwork and no way to process it should have their bureaucratric lackey, Falcon, close to stroking out. Tropical Oil Man, help it along by raising his/her cholesterol through the roof.
There, that’ll learn ya.
Foolish Crimson Jape, she has a way to process it.
She has me.
I do all the thankless tasks around here, after all. It’s just who I am.
Gerbils!?! NO!
Come on now. You can’t have an army of evil gerbils running around. No good. You mean we haven’t started training the evil Furbys of Doom?
Must I do everything here?
Begins recruiting 7 year olds to train Furbys
Thank you, dogsbody.
Foolish Crimson Tapeworm! When I began this job, our network crashed daily! I don’t NEED computers! Bwahahahahaha!
And Baloo? I’m afraid I’ll have to slap an environmental impact statement on you…that trash is going to create severe problems. Now, you’ll have to clean all that up, and pay for it yourself. Here’s the consent decree saying so. And remember, an information center must be set up to contain all documents relating to this cleanup.
Orphanage Raid Report:
Ok. This ended up being a lot harder than I thought. I think I’m getting out of practice, but I’ll start at the beginning…
I decided a twilight assault would be best, and I also waited for a dark and stormy night. I think this is where I went wrong. Turns out infants and the other small children in orphanages are not, repeat NOT, soothed by the violent and spectacular phenomenon that accompany the aforementioned conditions. In fact, they seems ready to be attacked by a bunch of foreboding figures clad in black outfits and shiny armour. I think this was reassuring to them, as if everything suddenly made sense in their world. But i digress.
So the element of surprise wasn’t on my side. This wasn’t too big a loss, and I used sleeping gas and tranq darts to take care of the tiny-person-prison’s inmates. After all, I consider myself a humanitarian evil genius. Once the population was put to rest, My zombie-droids begain their looting. Each had three hefty bags to fill, one for each arm. Once this was done, we decided to check the rest of the frail human-built structure for more valuable loot. Don’t get me wrong, we made out good, but you can only have so many blankies and so much candy.
Downstairs was where the caretakers slept, and this is where we ran into fierce resistence. Turns out this was a Catholic orphanage, and as such there were nuns. Lots of them. With rulers. Big wooden rulers.
Battle ensued. The details are blurry as I was knocked over by the bumblings of one of my own foot soldiers. Turns out that my zombie-droids were quite afraid of the nuns, and several could be seen as they were led away by the ears. I was able to regroup my forces and make a withdrawal, but only after taking significant losses. We did get 75% of the loot though.
GOOD THINGS THAT HAPPENED:
1: We got some loot
2: I know now that I should do more research before launching attacks
3: I can now debug my forces better(Never use catholic schoolchildren as the core component of a zombie-droid unless you know that nuns will not be encountered)
BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENED:
1: Taking candy from a baby is best left to schoolyard bullies.
2: Nuns kicked my arse.
So here’s the candy, blankies, and teddy bears. I await further further orders.
Robomop, your super-cleaning powers are needed. trash is picked up in a trice Baloo, the Superhero League of Hoboken is at your disposal in the fight to rid our town of these miscreants.
It appears that Hoboken is becoming some fairly contested real estate. Perhaps we should let the “good” have it. We will rule it eventually anyway, and I think it might be holding us back.
I have three secret moonbases, an orbiting space station, and a small volcanic island not far from Cuba. All of these are open to whatever villain need them. Except the island. I prefer to keep this available for retreats, and nothing ruins a nice weekend like superheroes barging in.
So there you have it. Four super secret bases, each complete with several legions of zombie-droids (the updated ones), a fully stocked recreation center, and cable TV.
I’m working on establishing a hollowed out mountain base here in North America, but I’m having trouble finding a good mountain.
I do have several temporary encampments around the world, but these are probably not suffecient for our needs. You all are more than welcome to take advantage of them wheneveryou are near one. I’d tell you where they are here, but the good guys would probably find out…
Alright, this Crimson Cake fellow should be out for a while. Ruffian bedazzled him with her large leather-wrapped boobies, then I spat on him.
He ran away screaming like a little sissy.
Anything else?
Well done, well done! The Crumpled Tape is out of the way. We have a store of orphan-candy to nourish us as we proceed. And the plot to besmirch our headquarters has been foiled.
Let us return Hoboken to its earthbound location. That way we will have easier access to the sod-covered officials we must corrupt, along with broadway shows across the river. The run of “Cats” has been extended, a bit of behind-the-scenes villainy worthy of any of us, Buwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!(snicker). But if we let these namby-pamby goody-goodies run us out of Hoboken, where will it end? No, we must make our stand here. I assume we have the city government in our pocket? Let’s look into that, shall we.
DeatLlama, it is far past time we tried to poison the water supply. Steal a truckload of Zima, and take it up by the reservoir. We will give those fools at the U.N. an ultimatum they cannot refuse.
inoci, coordinate with Erika. Make sure she doesn’t make the same mistake with her Furbies that you did with your zombie-droids. They, too may have to face (shudder)… nuns someday; see that all their ears are removed. (I appreciate the offer of bases, btw. Maybe the Evil Villain Organization board could have a fact-finding session on that Caribbean island some weekend? Is there any room in the budget for a black leather bikini allowance for our female members?)
Our agenda has fallen behind in finding an appropriate name for our group. SPECTRE and KAOS are already taken. We could try “Evil Villains International League”. Or, “World Evil Association for Spreading Everything Lousy”. You can, I trust, come up with something better?
Next on the agenda, we have received an overture for membership from Hillary Clinton. While her evil-villain qualifications are undisputed, there are some problems. Robbing an orphanage, destroying the nation’s infrastructure, seducing the clergy, poisoning the water supply - the public will forgive us our little hobbies. But if we were to ally with Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, well… I open the floor to debate on the matter.
I figured the name of this thread would be a pretty good name for us. It even has a nice acronym: EVO.
I do have a question though. How exactly are we organized? Do we have a laid out hierarchy? Are we like a union, a dictatorship, or an informal club? Honestly, we’re all going to end up battling each other in the end anyways, so should we even worry about all that?
Something could be said about remaining unknown, but that makes demand harder to make. We will need something that would make a cool domain name just in case one of us gets really excited about this whole thing. that would rule out EVO, its taken…
Oh, and find enclosed my donation for the Skimpy Black Leather Outfits for Female Memebers fund.
Mademoiselle Pepperoni, returned early from Alaska because the male conference attendees were paying way too much attention to Princess Glovebox, bitch-slaps Ruffian into next week. In the meantime, King Midas takes care of DeathLlama by turning DL’s tophat into a muffler (can’t see, can’t spit).
wipes llama spittle off face Ewww! That was nasty! But, look, the villains are retreating from the field. Chalk another one up for the Superhero League of Hoboken! <Won’t hurt our standing with the rest of the Leagues, either; they were about to recind our membership.>
<gratuitous use of sibilants>
Agents Falcon, Ruffian, and DeathLlama, you seem to have the situation with the Credulous Tapeworm well in hand. Alert me if he attempts another technological assault. We’ll see how his spreadsheets and calculators fare against my Sinister Stare of Technological Downfall. Ah yes, and this…Roboflop…<eyes flash in darkness–ztzztpfft> will be doing considerably less scrubbing henceforth.
</gratuitous use of sibilants>
APB, you were to occupy yourself with the design of a DDD, not with fashioning ridiculous traps for you allies. Let us deal with the matter of world domination before the infighting begins. Do not pit yourself me, APB–I hate to waste a perfectly functional mad scientist. (By the way, where did you find that Lava Pit with Built-In Levitation Canceller™? I haven’t seen one of those since I was knee-high to a mantid warrior!)
Raven, when you’ve finished posing for that poster, can you develop some good, customizable downfall prophecies for potential heroes? Nothing too specific, just the “<hero X> shall fall in battle under the shadow of Hoboken, and his fall shall shatter the faith of his allies” shtick. We’ll add names when the heroes foolishly announce themselves.
I have been studying potential allies and strategies in my secret lair, and have come to the following conclusions:
I feel that we should refuse all contact with Hillary Clinton; how many other potential allies would refuse to join us if she were a member?
I also believe that inoci has raised a valid point about Hoboken. If the platform should prove indefensible, we can also use my not-so-secret lairs in the Everglades, the swamps of Louisiana, and under Cheyenne Moun…er, well the ones in the swamps, anyway. I also have some quite roomy crypts available for our necromantic work. I don’t believe that we should abandon Hoboken, however; if we continue using it as an orbital station, we can always threaten to crash it into a key location (all right, Mike, I suggested it–are you happy now? Bossy damn sentient computer…don’t make me glare at you.)
As to the Zima Ultimatum…just don’t let anyone piss in it. That would make it Zima Gold, which everyone knows is better.
Finally, I see no value in a name or hierarchy for our little social club–better to remain secretive and decentralized, so that even should our plans fail, we can never be utterly destoyed. Besides, I like the idea of people referring to us in terrified whispers as “Them”. (OK, so I like ants, what’s the problem?)
My dear Jimson Tapeweed, there is no retreat. Only one voice suggested that, and the decision has been to remain. Really, one would think you haven’t been paying attention…
I have had enough of this Cretinous Tapeworm.
<glares at formerly-underground HQ of the Worm’s pitiful little band–all exits malfunction, trapping the worm and his allies inside>
I think I just found an excellent target for that “falling Hoboken” scenario…but I hate to waste it on such a pathetic crew of heroic wannabes. Whaddya think, fellow villains? Cream 'em or let 'em starve?
<Oooh! Evil scheme flashes into mind, fully formed!>
If we let them starve, I can twist their internal cameras to relay out to us–allowing us to accumulate still more wealth with Superhero Survivor! The last one left after the cannibalism will be retrieved and given an all-expenses-paid one-way-trip to Hades! In the process, we can also convince the world that their “heroes” are just lying, backstabbing, cannabalistic scum!
:::wiping face, brushing dust off knees:::
Okay, Clinton’s taken care of. How much am I allotted for expenses, anyway? Things are expensive in the Vatican!
Well, my Ghost Ships are Now seizing 90% of this world’s sea transports. I have aquired massive stockpiles of supplies of all kinds, and have placed to soldiers sent to stop me in my brainwashing facility.
I have also seen to the defense of Hoboken by summoning forth an energy shield from my Shadow-Realm (You villains should all have recieved your instructions on passing through the barrier). And, just for fun, I had an evil spirit possess one of the Superheroes of Hoboken.
I’m now starting to use the materials stockpile to build robot warriors.