Ex-fiancée brought up (non-) wedding

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve been friends with my ex-fiancée (you may remember the drama from last year) since high school. Even after I got dumped we remained friends. (I’m just that kind of guy. I reckon it this way: I can’t force people to do some things or not do others, so it’s not my problem.) Anyway, we haven’t talked as often as we used to; but we talk as long – a couple of hours – as we did.

So she calls Saturday and we chat about the things we always chat about. What she’s doing (gone back to school, her job), what I’m doing (working on the film), books, movies, history… At some point she says something like ‘Aren’t you glad I didn’t marry you?’ (DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! DANGER! DANGER!)

I can reply iin one of these ways:
[ul][li]No, I wish you had married me.[/li][li]Yes, it’s better for both of us.[/li][li]Joke about it.[/ul][/li]Self-depreciating jokes are my style. It’s better to joke about myself as much as I joke about other people, so as to show that I can take a joke. (Wouldn’t want to offend people without reason. Wait. I do want to offend people who do not have reason. But I don’t want to, without reason, offend people. :wink: ) So I made a self-depreciating joke. I think she took it somewhat seriously, so I had to explain it was a joke. She’s used to my humour, so I wonder if there was something behind her initial remark.

She decided not to marry me because, she said, she’s comfortable and secure in her life. She has her little house, she has her crappy job, she has relatives in the area. But she hasn’t heard from her cousin in a while. She was put in a different position at work, at lower pay, while a new girl got her job. She nearly quit. And she’s been getting a lot of overtime, which is wearing her out because of her school schedule. (Not to mention that in the past she has complained that she was once a U.S. Army helicopter pilot, she’s been a paralegal and a phlebotomist, and now she’s sewing in a uniform factory.)

I wonder if her comment was a femme-speak phrase intended to see how I felt? Or was she joking with me, feeling that it’s a safe subject now? (It is a safe subject, but I’d like to know the context.)

Oh, well. I have a movie to make. Time to jump in the shower.

2

Maybe she’s having second thoughts and wanted to see how you felt about it.

3

Never try to figure out what a woman means when she says something like that. You’ll just drive yourself crazy. Taking a shower and going to work sounds like a rational response to me. :smiley:

4

I think it was intended to do one or both of:

  • probe into how you really felt
  • make her feel good by reminding you both of how she got the better of you

My feeling about interpreting the words of women (and men, for that matter): take it at face value. If she expects you to understand something she didn’t say, that’s her problem, not yours.

Face value in this case: she is either saying nothing at all, and/or being a bit of a bitch.

Go take your shower and make your film. Think no more about it.

5

Who knows what she meant? Well, you could, if you wanted to ask her. Are you hoping she’s reconsidered? If so, you may want to communicate that to her.

6

Run!!!

7

Could it be she’s hoping you’re not still hurting?
And of course that would make her feel better about herself.

Hoo, but try not to linger on this. Not now anyway, you’ve got a film to make!

8

Having been through four marriages (all defunct) and numerous relationships, I concur w/ Stonebow. At the very least ignore her remark and if she brings it up again, change the subject. IMHO she may well be absolutely correct.

9

It seems that Johnny’s most honest option was #1. However, it is not really a good idea to tell someone who dumped you you’d like to get back together.

She certainly wanted to see how you felt about it, but she may have just been wanting to reassure herself that everything is the same between you two; you want her and she has her own agenda.
I trust you’ve taken your shower. Go make the movie. Then see about the girl.

10

[QUOTE=Johnny L.A.]
I can reply iin one of these ways:
[ul][li]No, I wish you had married me.[/li][li]Yes, it’s better for both of us.[/li][li]Joke about it.[/ul][/li][/QUOTE]

I see two other potential replies, one of which I would have chosen:

  1. “I don’t know how to answer that question,” or
  2. “I don’t really want to rehash this.”

My preference would be 1, mostly because I think it would be the most honest reply, and it would put the ball firmly back in her court.

I hate game playing, and it sounds like she’s indulging.

11

I don’t think it should matter what she meant. Even if she were suddenly considering it, do you really want to make a lifetime commitment with someone who would suddenly come running to you because her life suddenly wasn’t working out the way she had hoped, but had no use for you when all was hunky dory?

12

I suspect she said that to try to make herself feel better about what happened. She’s trying to rationalize that you’re better off without her so she doesn’t have to feel guilty.

I think it was rather insensitive for her to “joke” about the subject unless you have done that previously. Obviously it was quite a devastating thing for you to go through. I’m glad that you have your movie to focus on now!

13

I think she meant it as a self-deprecating attempt to get support, as in “I’ve pretty well botched things since I called it off, aren’t you glad you didn’t end up stuck with me”. I doubt it was a conscious attempt, and when you made your reply, she realized how it sounded and how few options you had for a reply.

14

I just don’t understand why people, men and women can’t just be straight forward. What would be wrong with saying “Why did you ask me that?” If the truth was “I wish you had married me.” why not say that? What’s the worst thing that can happen? Would the phone blow up in your ear? No. Would she gasp and hang up? Probably not. Would she cease being your friend? No, because she started the conversation. If she brought it up she has some unresolved issue with it. She wants to talk about it. You want to talk about it.
Why not?

15

I completely agree with picnurse on this.

16

As Freud said, “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”

I had a very good friend in high school and college who stuck with some emotional problems. She married a man she thought was stable – who turned out to be simply unemotional and apathetic. I married a woman I thought was exciting, who turned out to be unstable.

Shortly after both our marriages went belly up, we met for dinner. While bemoaning our poor choice in spouses, each of us remarked that we probably would have been better off if we’d married each other. Then we sighed, finished our desserts and went our separate ways. end of discussion, end of story, end of issues.

17

I find myself in a very similar situation, except we’re both still married but can’t stand our spouses. Very rocky terrain that is. We have an understanding that we wil not meet intentionally until it is acceptable to do so, and say no more about it.

Johnny, I have no useful words for you. Except 'ware the viper and her intoxicating venom.

18

I’m in the “There’s no way on earth to figure out what she meant by that question, so don’t even worry about it camp.”

That’s why I make it a point not to keep in touch with ex-girlfriends. There’s just too much potential for simmering emotions to boil out of the pot.

19

[Tactless Mean]
Look, if the stupid, dysfunctional beeyotch dumped you, she doesn’t get to ask you the what if queries. She lost that right when she dumped you.
[/Tactless Mean]

20

[Brain Candy]

I’ve invented a drug that gives worms to ex-girlfriends!

[/Brain Candy]