Somebody doesn’t watch Mythbusters.
(Mythbusters - the Chuck Norris of television, it does stuff that you thought no one could do.)
No. Do not click the spoiler box in olive’s post. Just trust me. Do not click on the spoiler box.
I never had a crazy ex, but I was one. I was 12 or 13, and wanted to impress the girl I was with, but I convinced myself I’m not clever or creative enough to come up with something on my own. I wrote a poem and gave it to her, except the poem wasn’t mine. It was just something on a scrap of paper I found on the school bus, which happened to be amazingly poetic. She loved the poem and told one of her teachers about it, who informed her it was actually the lyrics to The Rose by Bette Midler. Neither of us had heard the song before.
Busted. 
I lived with my ex-fiance. I paid all the bills because, although he had a good job, he was spending all of his money on drugs. I was very naive–I figured because he had been in rehab, he was all over that. One day, some woman calls me to tell me that she’s my fiance’s baby-mama. She knows a lot about him, including lies that he liked to tell people, because “exaggerating” was his thing. I’d heard them all before and knew they were BS, but they were his BS, so I knew she must have known him pretty well. It turned out that while he had slept with her, the baby was someone else’s but it didn’t matter to me. That was the last straw and I made plans to move out.
While I’m packing up, he’s in the bathroom with the door open (so I can hear him) telling his mother that he messed up and I was leaving and he was going to kill himself. I knew he was trying to manipulate me (another of his specialties), so I ignored him. I was out of there in a couple of days. He called me at work a few times and had his best friend call me but I ignored them both, until one day I got this big bouquet of flowers from him saying “I’m sorry.” He’d never given me flowers before (we were together for 5 years) so I wondered what was up. I found out he’d been arrested for driving the get away car during an armed robbery and he was going to jail.
A couple of weeks later, I get to my apartment and find the calling card of a police officer with an instruction to call him. I did, in a panic, and he told me that he was looking for my ex, because someone had stolen a woman’s social security number and was using her name and my old address to get credit cards. I was afraid he would think I had been involved, until I told him he could find my ex in jail, and he laughed and lost interest in me.
The one truly crazy woman I dated did not last very long. You can only create so much mayhem in two months or so.
It was about nine years ago. My long-term college girlfriend and I had split a few months before, I was working a terrible job with worse hours, barely making ends meet. I had a lot of shit yet to figure out.
So I briefly dated a camgirl. Don’t lie to yourself, you know what camgirls do. She spent much of her life under the lifeless glass eye and solicited gifts from male strangers. She never quite got naked on camera, but apparently she was a master at getting nearly naked. We met through mutual friends. I disliked her immediately, but the feeling was not mutual. She proceeded to stalk the shit out of me over the internet for the next few weeks.
Anyone but a heartbroken, mostly-broke 23 year old would have done the needful. I didn’t. Instead, I caved and agreed to meet her. Her parents were very wealthy and did not exactly put much pressure on her to do anything, so she just lived at home and did god knows what. One weekend when her parents were away, she convinced me to come up and visit her in her house in a very posh CT suburb.
I had nothing better to do.
The hijinks began then and ended two months later. In the meantime, she had filched my apartment key and copied it on the sly. Imagine my surprise when I came home one day to find her there, unsummoned. And she managed to guess or steal my dial-up internet password: several months later I discovered massive charges to my account due to multiple sessions in use at the same time. After I ended the relationship, she vituperated about the whole thing on her website in front of her not inconsiderable fan base. I have never been so famous as when hundreds of her fans chimed in offers to kick my ass and burn down my apartment building.
HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, how I remember this. You inflicted her on all of us, and even chat I remember she used to try to get me to believe she was with J and would IM me and tell me how she was at his house when he was… SITTING NEXT TO ME in my house in another state.
Plus, the portobello incident.
Ah, callow youth.
Oh my God that is so gross. No wonder she had a problem with it. :eek:
Oh Jesus, I didn’t think anyone was left around here who would actually remember this.
I was going to mention the portobello incident but I just couldn’t bring myself to.
I’m much better now.
I lurk. 
Man, that was something else, my friend. Also, I bet lno and anyone else from oldschool #sdmb chat days remember this, since you INVITED HER INTO CHAT!
Hahaha. I’m still laughing about this. I think that portobello stain was there till the day that car got… well, repo’d.
I have no recollection of that whatsoever. I must have blocked it out. If I didn’t say so then, I’m dreadfully sorry. I hope that my other contributions over the years have made up for that rather extraordinary lapse in judgment.
As usual, he made it someone else’s problem.
I recall her in #sdmb chat.
I have never forgiven you for that.
Remember that Rift raid long ago when your cc kept breaking and we wiped and everyone blamed you? That was my revenge. Best served cold, and at the tip of a lvl 50 hunter’s bow.
Also, hmm, Rasa, don’t you have a story about a certain gentleman caller and a golden retriever’s holiest of holies?
Aw Christ, I blocked that out, too.
You tell one story and suddenly all your fucking skeletons come out of the closet.
We used to chat on AIM from time to time, and yeah, he had to go there. The most ridiculous part about it is, whenever I tried to change the subject, he would conclude it was because I’m a prude. Like it never occurred to him that I was totally grossed out by his fetish, and so he decided the only possible explanation is that I’m too uptight about sex.
All I can say is that I am really baffled by the fact that I was once very attracted to him. It now seems like a physical impossibility.
I suppose I should add to the thread rather than just reminisce with Maeglin. And, in fact, I have TWO awesome, directly related to the SDMB ex stories!
Once upon a time, in, hmm, '00 I guess, I moved cross country for someone who I met here via the Dope. He was, shall we say, batshit insane. Shortly after I arrived in CA, this became quite clear, and I tried to break up with him. Because I was the one with a job and our sole support, pretty much, this was not acceptable to him. So he “tried to kill himself” by taking a whole box of Benadryl, and chased it with a bottle of Oban (that I’d bought as a gift to give to ANOTHER Doper I was supposed to visit while driving cross country) and then took off, in my car, to “die”. Well, the cops found him, he got a nice stay in the mental hospital, and I escaped. I remember talking to his mom in the middle of all this and she was like, “Oh, he did that again? Oh dear.” …yeah. Young and stupid was I.
I somehow ended up dating another SDMBer; this one moved up here to be with me. I got him a job at the small ISP I worked at. He made friends with a bunch of my friends. Things went horribly wrong, but I figured, hey, we’re adults, we can break up and deal with it. But instead of being an adult and telling me he wanted out, he packed up his shit while I was at work and moved back home to Florida, the same day that an uncle I was very close to died. That was an awesome conversation with my boss!
Aah, youth and stupidity.
She left me. How fucking crazy is that?
Shut up lno or I’ll bring up… well, no I won’t, because I like you too much.
Traditional family lawyer’s toast: “To love gone wrong!”
We call it job security!