How does attraction affect you? Sometimes, after a conversation I feel a “vibe” between me and this person that sometimes (now always) turns into a nasty crush. I’m never 100% sure, but sometimes it’s even reciprocal. Back when I was single I used to try to “force” an attraction (that NEVER worked) but now when I’m married and monogamous, I find them more problematic than fun.
What’s y’all’s experience with attraction, and how do you deal with it?
I think my experience is similar to yours.
Attraction is a good word for it, too - a pulling towards. I feel drawn to the other person at some gut level. Maybe it becomes a crush, too.
I’m married and don’t want to fool around. I get resentful towards the feeling - what possible use is this feeling? Aren’t I already doing what I should be doing? But I guess the possible use is spreading my genes around, whether I think it’s a good plan or not.
I try to deal with it by never acting on the feeling. When I am feeling very proactive and in control, I also deal with it by trying not to have the feeling, or at least by not dwelling on it or encouraging it. This doesn’t seem like a great answer, but I haven’t heard anything better, either.
I may find someone I casually meet to be attractive, sexy, interesting, drop dead knockout… whatever.
The thing is, if I’m attached or if I know they are, the possibility of anything happening approaches the probability of zero almost instantly. I don’t like to create problems where there are none so I put entertaining any possibilities out of my mind immediately.
This is about all you can really do about it.
I will say, however, that I am not a believer that a person only meets “that special someone” once in their life. I think that damn near everyone runs across several people in the course of their lives that would be fitting SOs. Whether any of those people becomes an SO depends upon many factors, naturally. A lot of things have to be going right (or mostly going right) for everything to come together.
But once you do have an SO, you likely will keep meeting great potential SOs. Mutual attractions still happen, engaging conversations still happen, and flirting still happens. And then it comes down to you, the commitment you made to your SO, and your willingness to hold to that commitment.
This is but one of the many reasons a committed relationship takes work – these impulses and urges have to be managed, and it’s an ongoing thing. Lots and lots of folks struggle with this all their life long.
I’m with Bordalond. There’s more than one compatible person for each of us, and it’s inevitable to encounter other ones even after you’ve already committed yourself.
Don’t beat yourself up over the crush; all a “crush” is is an unrealized, undeveloped attraction. (If it were more than that it wouldn’t be a crush anymore; it would become a relationship.) I’m pretty sure they happen to everybody at one time or another, and as long as you don’t do anything about it, you’ve got nothing to feel badly about.
Attraction happens. 
Well also-- WTF is it? I’ve yet to read any scientific study about it (at least in the popular press). It’s probably one of the weirdest emotions you go through, suddenly and constantly thinking about someone and finding all sorts of excuses to be with them (or the opposite, in case you’re partnered).
With one rather nasty learning experience behind me, I do know how to keep my relationship monogamous and run quickly the other way if it is too intense. But if it’s, say, a 5 or below on a scale of 10, I’ll befriend the person since the attraction will probably fade in time anyway.
I’ve been trying to figure out attraction for YEARS, why so i get attracted to one friend and not another.
This best i can say is that certain people just… i don’t no… vibe a certain way.
It is infuriating because i will sit in a room with a half a dozen amazing, good looking, female friends and be thinking “I would be a lucky man if i could go out with any of these women, why the hell arn’t i attracted to them”
and then i will meet someone for the first time, have said nothing more than meaningless pleasentries, and be attracted. But here is the thing that blows my mind if i’m attracted to someone even if after only five minutes i know i can trust them, implicitly.
I have never been wrong either.
Best way i can think, when two peoples eyes meet their subconscious minds have a chat and decide, how else can it be so instantanious.
As for dealing with the being attracted to someone, ive never been attracted to someone who hasn’t become a friend and who hasn’t been accept by my friends. So i say if i’m in a relationship. Just be friends, if its so bad you want to tear their cloths off.
Tell your SO explain it, most people i know understand that the body seldem listens to the heart,
And if your female telling this to a male, we understand, if i guy is at all sensitive enough for you to be worth dating hewon’t even need to forgive you because A. there is nothing to forgive and B, we’ve got that problem and god know we don’t corner the market on it.
Anyway.
“Man are asshole, women are bitches, and sheep give you rug burn, whats left?”