True story: my husband and I did our best to time my pregnancy for when it made the most sense, We decided to start trying as soon as we arrived in Mozambique to live. Since I was 38m I started monitoring my ovulation cycles months in advance. As it happened, I got pregnant on the very first try.
No home pregnancy kits were available in Maputo so I had to wait until I could get an old-fashioned test at the local health clinic. Meanwhile, my ridiculously regular period failed to come and I started to have symptoms of early pregnancy. Then there was a moment when I absolutely KNEW I was pregnant. I was house hunting and the realtor showed me a home with a nursery all decorated for a baby - the most amazing feeling washed over me, and I told my husband that night, “there is no question - I’m pregnant.”
So, there we were, two very practical people who sort of gradually became aware that yep, our plan had gone EXACTLY according to plan. Getting a positive test from the clinic would just be confirmation, not discovery.
That being the case, we didn’t react much when the test came back positive, because we already knew. I took the sheet of paper, glanced at it, nodded, and said, “yeah, okay.”
This totally freaked out the health staff. They expected jumping up and down for joy and were worried when I didn’t. They even took me aside and asked if I was okay.
Even though I didn’t shriek or jump up and down when it was handed to me, I still have that piece of paper with the positive pregnancy result. (My son is now 24.) It has great sentimental value, even for a no-nonsense practical person like me.
Yeah, reactions to learning that you’re officially launched on your way to achieving a major desired but scary life goal can be different.
Some people are “deciders”, who have feelings of strong conviction in favor of a particular path that make their immediate reaction to the discovery more on the side of unambivalent rejoicing. It doesn’t mean they’ll never have regrets or concerns about the downsides, but that’s not what they’re feeling in the moment of discovery.
Some people are “rethinkers”, who even in the prizewinning moment have a conscious awareness of the downsides and feelings of fear and ambivalence. It doesn’t mean that they’re not committed to their choice or that it doesn’t make them happy, but the conventional big YIPPEEEEE!!! moments are not as emotionally straightforward for them.
Another friend of mine had been trying unsuccessfully for over a year; her period was not regular enough that being late was necessarily indicative of anything. But one day she woke up and just KNEW she was pregnant.
Her husband scoffed, but she was right. It may not be universal, but pretty clearly some women do just know.
See — and this is how much people differ. Though I agree with everything else, I almost never worry about my kids or how I’m raising them. They’ll figure out their own way — I give them the seeds and let them sprout. The only times I have really worried about my kids was when my oldest had whooping cough that the doctor insisted was absolutely unlikely to be pertussis and during the beginning of the pandemic. Otherwise, my attitude has been “they’ll be fine.” Mind you, they’re not teenagers yet, so check in with me in about five years.
Both times with us it was “wow, that didn’t take long.” I don’t know that I’ve ever batted .1000 at anything else, but when it came to baby making Ms. P and I got it on the first time twice.
It’s because we were aware that the anxiety came along with the joy. If we’d been oblivious to all of the difficulties that come with being parents, then there would have been no anxiety. It was a similar feeling after she was born. Sure, happy, in love, etc, but also all of those things that we were worried about when find out that my wife was pregnant, were now actually happening—there is a small human who is completely dependent on us.
Yes, parent shaming can be a big problem. “I’m so frustrated with the sleepless nights!” “What you don’t love your baby!?” Anybody who has ever been a parent knows that it is possible for both feelings, love and frustration, to exist simultaneously, and that it is completely normal. Lots of people still feel the need to shame parents for expressing these conflicting views. “I understand you’re not loving every second of having a child, you must be a bad parent and a bad person.”
There are lots of times where I still love my child, but, at that moment, I don’t like my child.
Yes, thank you. Luckily, I have not been a victim of “parent shaming.” I’m happy to admit I didn’t have all the emotions I “should” have had during the process. I own up to it, it’s written off, probably because I’m a dad, a man. I have heard a number of women share that they also were conflicted because they did not feel what they “should” have felt in childbirth. And they felt like shit for it. Why can’t we just let people feel the way they fucking feel without making them feel bad for it, because it doesn’t conform to their expectation of how a new parent should feel? Stop telling people how they “should” feel. They feel as they do. It’s natural, it’s normal, it can be quite rough. It’s a serious readjustment. Not everyone handles it the same way.
Kids are all grown up and still I worry. Maybe not my “responsibility” any more but until the day I die I am dad and they are my kids and there could be a car accident and and and …
And we still took on those worries fully aware of it. Happy to have each them as planned additions. Anxiety and huge expenses and all.
We’ve tried not to screw them up so badly that their intrinsic strengths couldn’t make up for at least.
Have to admit that I don’t remember any ecstatic jumping up and down. Happy but to some degree anxious from word go too. And we were too dumb to be anxious enough or else we wouldn’t have had kid one when I was an intern.
I disagree that your worries are shit you should be getting over before having a baby. Most of us do this huge step without really realizing all the consequences and how much worry we will be living with forever more. We are wired like that.
Worry.
There will be lots of sacrifices you will have to make. Life will be changed more than you can imagine. It has certainly been worth it, but yes the seriousness and depth of the change to your future, the anxieties that your life will now have, that test represents is rarely appreciated ahead of time.
Parenthood is stressful but for both better and worse we have expectations of what our roles are, based on societal expectations, family of origin models, or reactions against either. It’s not terra incognito.
I’ve never lived the stress of infertility so I may be off base but to me the lack of those models creates additional stress.
Plus many of us are prepared to, even expecting to have conflict over child rearing. Again an expected stress. We are ready for it. Those who have invested in the idea that being a parent is a key part of what they want their identity but failing to have it happen are dealing with a different level of challenge I think. It’s one thing to accept that you and/or your partner are imperfect at your desired identity; another to not achieve the identity at all. Mourning the loss of that dream versus continuing to hope and try with sex becoming a job not a joy? Being at different places in that process? Seems tougher to me than my wife’s and my conflicts over what to or not to allow or even crises with our children in which we stayed partnered well.
Just heard yesterday that a couple with an 18 yo and a 10 yo announced they were pregnant. Mom is pushing 40 and realizes it’s her last chance for a baby so thrilled, Dads first reaction is
A lot of people want to be parents. So why not be happy if they get what they wish? The best parents, and being “good enough” is great, give their children love, stability, education and the idea they can be happy in an imperfect world. Ideally, they should teach seven skills: empathy, curiosity, perseverance, integrity, optimism, self control and self confidence and prepare them well to leave the nest.
And that’s it. Not to protect them from every possible danger, be overanxious or deeply involved in every aspect of every minute. Yes, having children changes finances and responsibilities. There is never a perfect time to have them. Still, many couples want them. And many consider themselves better for having done so.
I think there’s one thing we’re all overlooking here.
It’s a TV commercial.
People in TV commercials have big reactions to everything. A new car, deodorant, a close shave from a razer, etc. Consider the ecstacy a bowl of cold cereal creates. Why shouldn’t a couple have a big reaction to a pregnancy test.
If there is a positive test and one person in the relationship is much happier about it than the other… probably not an uncommon occurrence… one might feel obliged to act happier than one feels? But it might not make the best TV commercial.
