Eyecontact, need advice

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

OK dopers help me out here. I have a problem maintaining eyecontact with anyone for more than a few seconds. When I was growing up one of my dad’s less painful favorite things to do to us was get right in our faces, nose to nose . Staring into our eyes and yelling or talking in low threatening tones. So to me prolonged eye contact is very uncomfortable. I want to change this.

I have been told that people think you are dishonest or being sly (not in a good way either) if you can’t maintain eye contact with someone. Besides, I would love to be able to stare into my husbands eyes for more than a couple of seconds at a time when we are making love.

How can I get this not to seem so much like a threat to me ?

2

I’m not big on eye contact either, but it seems to me like you’re putting too much stress on yourself at the moment. In other words, while you’re making the attempt, don’t think “I have to look him in the eye, I have to look him in the eye…” but just, as Nike would say, do it. You’re likely to give yourself performance anxiety otherwise. :slight_smile:

Personally, when I’m doing the whole eye contact thing, I’m trying to read the mood/reactions of the person I’m talking to or, entirely too infrequently, making love with. Eye contact should be, IMHO, communicative, a form of non-verbal communication, if you will. Just do it as much as feels natural and go from there.

3

Ahhh, but it’s not only during that ! I also have the problem when I am talking to people. That’s what makes it so bad.

4

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I was thinking more along the lines of eye contact during conversation than during “that” (during which I’m usually looking…elsewhere). Like I said, eye contact is good for picking up little cues during conversation which I’m sure some other dopers will go into shortly. I, for one, should no longer be awake, or so my body tells me.

5

Something that works for me. Warning, this is cold and not very nice but it DOES stop people from considering you as sneaky etc etc.
Anyway, what works for me is to STOP considering them as a person. Consider them as some animated object that just walked into your office or wherever. Don’t really communicate with them, observe them, like a biologist watching a new species of ape he just bumped into.
Needless to say, this is NOT something to do with your SO but it DOES work on others, especially those that seem to be trying for some kind of mental domination with a lot of eye contact.

Best regards.

Testy.

6

Personally (nothing against you, Ayesha), I have a hard time with people that don’t maintain eye contact. I’m actually glad you wrote this, because it give me a little insight as to why some might have this problem.

I have a horrible time with names. Sometimes I can remember them, sometimes I can’t. I’ve heard a lot of little tricks to help me remember, like repeating the name as you’re shaking his/her hand, connecting the name to a song or another person, and so on. I’ve tried them all, and sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t. I finally realized that it was my desire to correct the problem that was key. If I thought about the problem and how bad I was and how much I wanted to correct it when I was meeting someone, I’d remember the name.

So, I have a feeling you’re just going to have to weed through some mental options and see what works for you. When I think about what goes through my mind when I’m having eye contact, it’s definitely not what testy does. It’s the opposite. I think of them as your every day guy or girl, with problems, insecurities, and failures, just like me. No better or worse, just different.

7

The best thing I can recommend is to make a game of it with LionSOB. Look him in the eyes for as long as you can, and when you look away, have him praise you and reward you for doing so well. It’s important for him to not push you at all, but I know he’s a sweetie and won’t do that. This is something a therapist could help you with, but I know you’re already dealing with a lot of doctors and medical bills.

BTW, I didn’t notice anything unusual about your eye contact. However, I tend to be a little uncomfortable with eye contact myself. At least you aren’t like the guy I met one time who couldn’t look you in the eye at all, not even when he was talking at you. Eye contact is a delicate and complex interaction subject to unwritten rules that make it as bad to maintain eye contact too long as not long enough. In social situations, I think that it is usually better to err on the less time side.

8

I used to have a lot of trouble with maintaining eye contact with people, but for a different reason. I was born with crossed eyes, and as a kid, I was very, very self-concious about them. In any situation where they might be noticed-- in conversations, during picture-taking-- I’d get uncomfortable and want look away. I don’t think I ever maintained eye contact with anyone for longer than two seconds.

As I got older, I gained better control of my eye muscles. Now, it’s only when I’m tired or using my dominant eye that you can tell my eyes are screwy. But I didn’t outgrow my inability to look people in the eye for long. And it bugged me for the same reasons it bugs you: I didn’t want people to think I was uncomfortable, uninterested in what they were saying, or hiding anything.

Basically, I forced myself to look at people more when I talked to them. Whenever I felt like looking away (the habit was strongly ingrained by then, so it happened pretty much all the time), I’d tell myself that if I did, I’d seem uneasy, or like I was being dishonest, and so on. As apparent as it is to me when others look away when I talk to them, so must it be when I look away from others, I reasoned. Since I didn’t want to appear that way, I told myself, I had to maintain eye contact.

It was easier to follow those self-directives when I was talking (or doing something else :D) with people I really enjoyed being with, or if it was imperative that I do so (job interview, parents grilling me, etc.).

I also realized how tense I could become in the above situations. Years of self-consciousness about my eyes did that, I guess. I made myself relax. Of course, making yourself relax is much easier said than done, and not always possible if you dislike or are intimidated by the people around you, but I found a way to calm myself down, and it helped me a lot.

It’s going to take time to overcome it. I still find it a challenge to initiate and maintain eye contact with people. But you can do it. Wanting to change is the first step. Good luck, Ayesha. :slight_smile:

9

Speaking as someone who has to effectively communicate face to face with people on a daily basis I think part of the problem is that you may be mis-understanding or otherwise misconstruing, to some degree, the nature and scope of “eye contact” normally expected in everyday, non-sexual social interactions.

First- you need to stop reading or listening to whatever psych-pop, etiquette books, relatives or friends are recommending high eye contact levels as a normal course of behavior for everyday interaction. This might be appropriate if I am trying to ask a woman out or close a sale but in everyday interactions, occasional brief eye contact to acknowledge the other person’s points and looking slightly away (even just shifting your eyes off them while your head remains motionless) and focusing on some indeterminate point while you make you point is not considering rude by most people and in fact it would be considered more rude (and slightly weird) if you attempted to maintain eye contact with them throughout the conversation.

Just be yourself.

10

I’m not sure how well it works up close, but when speaking to a group, looking at everybody’s forehead works. (Hmmm… I just tried it, and it does work – as does looking at their nose.)

11

I’ve always had difficulty with eye contact too. It’s mostly with people that I fear on some level, usually my boss or pretty women. Nobody would describe me as a shy person, but I feel that way inside.

Sometimes when people look me in the eyes, I feel as if they’re trying to get something from me, taking something against my will.

Other times, like with attractive women, I feel like I’m being scanned and challenged, or judged, or ridiculed.
Unless of course they smile.