Yes, i cut them from my life so they don’t do it again. I don’t stay with them and make a big deal out of every possible thing they might be doing. You don’t trust him, with good reason, so why are you with him? you are only making you both miserable.
Why don’t the two of you simply give up Facebook altogether? After all, it isn’t the real world and the real world is where your problems exist.
Yes, as a matter of fact I have. I had a boyfriend move in with me, while still keeping his at home girlfriend without me knowing it. I was supporting him while he was still on college. He also moved a girlfriend into our apartment in the time period I told him to move out, and had to be gone for a few weeks on business. He refused to move out because he was on the lease, and when he was out of the flat during the day he would shove the thermostat to maximum and turn on every light in the house. He also called japan for an hour. I had an ex fiance beat me after I got out of the hospital for losing a child to toxemia and pre-eclampsia at 7 months because “I killed his son”. I had a subsequent boyfriend move out and steal several thousand painted miniatures, a complete run of the dragon magazine, all my AD&D3 books and modules, and an unopened test set of the original D&D from the gencon where they were play tested, and some other fairly expensive things while I was off at work [and he did it just before the rent was due, and all the bills were due and I was making all of $500 a month after taxes.] I divorced my first husband because I couldn’t live with his mental problems though I still loved him.
I trust my current husband completely.
I believe his friending of these gals has an element of “wishful thinking” lust in it. I also believe he knows that, hence his discomfort when the issue was raised.
It sounds to me like the OP and hubby were working on rebuilding trust to a desirable level. This is an understandable state that’s in between having no relationship whatsoever and having a well-developed, healthy trust level. I think it’s unfair to criticize her for not choosing to either trust him completely or to totally disassociate from him. Ideally they’ll end up at or near one of those poles, but they aren’t there yet.
Given that they’re presumably on the path of strengthening trust, I find his actions here particularly disappointing. At this juncture, they can only weaken trust.
Count how many times she refers to these women as “attractive,” finally culminating in “leaps and bounds more attractive” than she is. I’m guessing she’s seeing a disparity that isn’t really there.
Getting upset over Facebook may be somewhat silly, but the fact that it’s silly is why it seems so bad that your husband is making a big deal out of it. Since he claims it’s no big deal, it should also not be a big deal to unfriend them.
That philosophy is bullshit. Irrational and rational are totally fluid. All irrational really means is something you find stupid. And, seeing as people are inherently emotional creatures, it is part of any relationship for the two people to deal with their emotions, which means doing things you may think are stupid.
I’m not touching the divorce angle with a 10 foot pole. It’s one thing that many dopers are very irrational about. But I will touch on Facebook. It’s still a part of the real world; it just has different social customs. But none of those include adding people who are hot because they are hot, and not expecting your wife to care. It’s not an excuse to do whatever you want and claim that your wife just doesn’t trust you.
Being in a non-open marriage has its restrictions as well as its benefits. They don’t magically go away online.
You said you are in counseling for trust issues; I think you need to bring this up with your therapist. From where I sit, this doesn’t look like an overreaction, but that hardly matters if your husband feels it is. He needs to understand why you feel the way you do, and work with you to help you feel better and regain your trust, or, if he is unwilling to do that, I think you need to start thinking about divorce. Speaking with him and your marriage counselor about this is going to be your bet way to help him understand, and your counselor will have steps you can take, together, to help rebuild the trust.
That would make me suspicious, too. Answering a question is one thing, but getting visibly uneasy and over-defending is another, especially if you have a history of cheating.
And don’t sell yourself short regarding attractiveness - he married you, not someone else.
RedBloom, you’re getting some terrible advice here. It’s not stupid to not trust someone who isn’t acting trustworthy, and your husband is not acting trustworthy. After he has destroyed your trust in him with emotional affairs (and I agree completely that they are affairs), his response when you weren’t comfortable with this friending should have been, “Oh, I didn’t realize it would bother you. I’ll delete them right away,” not, “What’s your problem? I can friend all the attractive single women I want!”
I also second talking about this with your counsellor. Yes, there will come a point when you have to trust him again or get out of the relationship, but he has to make efforts to be trustworthy, too, and this isn’t it. Make sure your counsellor understands about the internet, though, and how it affects people in the real world. The last thing you need is a counsellor who tells you it’s just Facebook, it doesn’t mean anything.
I’ve enjoyed reading through all of these posts - it’s brought some light and different perspective too. I know I’m not a perfect rose here either. My insecurity is sometimes disabling. I appreciate all of the advice and feedback.
Thank you for getting it!! My next step is to speak to our counselor, both about my inability to get over the past and move on and his sneaky behaviors (whether he realizes it or not). It’s hell to live in constant paranoia and not know how to shed it.
Well, I’m going to guess part of your inability to shed the paranoia is because he’s still doing sneaky stuff. You’re obviously not a stupid person; you can’t fool yourself about what you see going on.
Is your husband actually trying to regain your trust? Do both of you do the things your counselor is recommending to heal your relationship?
Zero trust today doesn’t mean zero trust forever. They’re in counseling to help them rebuild that trust. That means he must act in a way that builds trust, and she must allow for rebuilding.
Friending all the hot chicks you hung out with one night is not a way to build trust with someone you were not entirely faithful to in the past.
It’s been two years. If she is in a place of “zero trust” something is seriously wrong. Either he’s not trying or she’s not trying. If he hasn’t done jack shit in the last two years, he’s fully checked out and she should just go. If he’s been trying the OP needs to figure out why she’s hanging on to this at the “zero trust” level.
And Some probably want to have sex with ALL 900 of their facebook friends!
Redbloom, I have almost exact same issues with my wife. About six weeks ago I realized that she had been carrying on facebook conversation for over three years (!) with a former lover of hers (from prior to her marriage) whom I specifically told during our first year of our marriage NEVER to contact her again when he called our marital home asking for her.
As you stated in your marriage, I’ve found a lot of other stuff that have caused EXTREME TRUST ISSUES.
I disagree that you “JUST get over it.” You’re not overreacting. He is a serial cheater, and he clearly doesn’t respect how much his past indiscretions have bothered you.
Ok - let me rephrase the “zero trust”. That was extreme. That was spewed out of anger. I have been learning to trust him again since he’s done nothing but plead with me since I found out about the affair 2 years ago. I have so much anger and hatred about that affair that no matter how much he professes his love and faithfulness and undying loyalty to me and has agreed to see a therapist until the end of time, I (out of pride? self-preservation?) can not and will not believe him. Out of my own volition. It’s almost like I can’t stop punishing both of us for what happened (especially myself). Perhaps this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Regardless, now everything that never bothered me before, bothers me now.
I hate the person that this has turned me in to.
Redbloom, if you ever want to talk about this offline (I mean “online” I guess), let me know, because my situation is so similar to yours and I have not been able to talk to anyone about it, except my wife and her therapist. I have been thinking about getting a therapist of my own, and probably will. If I weren’t worried about taking a huge financial beating, I would be divorced already; I am certainly headed in that direction, though. For the record she has never admitted to affairs, but I have found mountains of evidence that make it hard to refute.
I missed that the affair was two years ago. Yeah, definitely talk to your counselor - it does seem like you are having a hard time getting past it. If you can’t work it out with your husband for whatever reason, that’s understandable, but you don’t want this experience colouring all your future relationships, too, where the guy hasn’t done anything to deserve your mis-trust.
Your use of the phrases he pleads with you and you punish him are awfully telling, too.