Where’d you get that?
She mentioned that she caught him cheating on multiple occasions. The fact that he got nervous when she confronted him re: new “friends” on facebook, plus fact that he didn’t “unfriend” them tells me there’s a good possibility that he’s looking to cheat again.
Again, where’d you get that? In another thread perhaps?
In reading back thru it, I stand corrected. I thought it was multiple, but now I realize it was singular (when I first quickly read about two “ways” he “cheated” on her, I thought she was saying two separate affairs, but it doesn’t say that–my bad).
What is sneaky about adding 6 people as a friend on facebook? Was something about it furtive, like a secret second facebook account you didn’t know of? Did he set you to a limited profile so you couldn`t detect his new friends without investigating?
Whether or not there’s any reason to be upset about his actions, nothing I see in this thread was done sneakily. I’d say the single biggest clue that you’re over-reacting is that adding 6 friends the night after you meet them is such a conspicuous unsneaky thing to do.
Keep going to therapy. Hopefully they can help you and your husband work on your communication with each other…so that he can work on being sensitive in the ways you need him to be and you can begin to accept him for who he is and not what he did.
[QUOTE=RedBloom]
it’s like he came home saturday night and friended them after I went to bed.
[/QUOTE]
Serious question: He was drunk and hanging out with a bunch of hot chicks all evening…when you got home did you have sex with him or did you leave him all worked up and horny?
[QUOTE=RedBloom]
like I said, TWO of them, the attractive out-of-towners, are not on my friend list
[/QUOTE]
He means you guys hung out together and HE didn’t bring the hot chicks, so presumably you girls are all friends. How is he supposed to know exactly what degree of friendship you have with each of them? Did you TELL him you’re not friends with them?
[QUOTE=RedBloom]
We have not resolved this after 3 days and he hasn’t deleted them either.
(then later in the thread)
I never demanded he defriend them, ever.
(then later in the thread)
I didn’t care if he stayed friends with the girls
[/QUOTE]
You clearly do. Which is fine. But don’t be passive-aggressive about it. You can’t say to him “Whatever, go ahead and leave them up there it’s totally fine with ME!” while thinking “…I’m just going to secretly hate you for it if you do grrrrr!!!” and get mad at HIM.
[QUOTE=RedBloom]
there are trust issues
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=RedBloom]
I have guy friends on my friend list
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=RedBloom]
I forgot to mention my husband had an affair 2 years ago (via online and phone)
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=RedBloom]
I admit, they are leaps and bounds more attractive than myself, so I’m probably a bit envious too.
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=RedBloom]
I have now dropped it, although I’m quietly suspicious.
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=RedBloom]
My insecurity is sometimes disabling.
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=RedBloom]
I have been learning to trust him again since he’s done nothing but plead with me
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=RedBloom]
I have so much anger and hatred about that affair that no matter how much he professes his love and faithfulness and undying loyalty to me and has agreed to see a therapist until the end of time, I (out of pride? self-preservation?) can not and will not believe him.
[/QUOTE]
So basically the guy meets a bunch of hot fun friendly chicks. At home is an insecure, low self-esteem wife who’s possibly let herself go looks-wise, who has anger and hatred toward him, won’t believe him when he says he’ll be faithful to her, makes him go to a therapist, considers phone/online/friending to be the equivalent of an affair so he pretty much can’t even talk to or look at another woman out of fear his wife will spiral into hating and being passive-aggressive with him again.
I’m not saying the guy isn’t a douche, and I’m not saying you’re a bad person…but it’s not hard to see why he’d add some fun friendly girls to his friend list to talk to, it sounds like your home life is absolutely miserable for both of you. You’re over-reacting (justified or not), and he’s looking at greener pastures (justified or not). You either have to actually try to trust him instead of just pretending you do so the therapist thinks you’re making progress, or he has to blind himself with acid so he can’t look at another woman to appease your insecurities, or you should both bail on this terrible marriage. You guys have absolutely horrible communication.
- TWTTWN
I agree with WhyNot that this isn’t about Facebook at all.
Facebook Is Not Important. Facebook Is Not A Measure Of Real-Life Relationships. It’s a networking tool, and that’s ALL it is. If a relationship is significant, or if it is not, it will be that way regardless whether there is any Facebooking going on.
Facebook being the red herring here, if you want to resolve this in a productive manner you will want to focus on the real issue instead of on Facebook. That said, you clearly don’t trust him, so the question becomes: Can you? I mean this both in the sense of “is he trustworthy” (his responsibility), and “are you able to make that leap of faith with him” (your responsibility).
I can’t answer those questions for you. Maybe the answer is “not yet” but it’s something you can work on together; but if either answer is no, it’s time to move on.
I have always believed that it is nearly impossible for a relationship to recover from the damage caused by an affair and in most cases divorce is the best option. This thread is a perfect example of why.
I get that you love him but you cannot possibly be happy living like this. You have been suspicious and resentful of him for two years, that cannot be enjoyable for either one of you.
You tried therapy, it doesn’t sound like it helped, maybe it’s time to consider a separation for both of your sakes.
It’s also a tool people use to facilitate cheating on spouses. I agree that this isn’t about Facebook, though; this is about a broken relationship.
If it hadn’t been for previous trust issues I’d say you were over reacting. As it is I think it may represent how willing he is to recapture your trust. Insecurity can be very damaging to a relationship. It’s hard for people to live together happily if every relationship with someone of the opposite sex is questioned. However, I think a partner who has strayed needs to understand that trust needs time and effort to be restored, within reasonable boundaries. IMO, friending single attractive women stretches those boundaries.
If you were okay with hanging out with group that included single attractive women that seems to be a plus. I don’t think having some concern about his friending them is over reacting and needs to be including in counseling sessions. Whatever standard is set by one should be the same standard for the partner. If you’re married others ought to respect that and be friends to both of you. Why is a work male friend different than someone you casually met. Lot’s of affairs spring from people working together. Set some guidelines that both of you follow concerning friendships with members of the opposite sex, and try to work together on issues of insecurity and trust.
Your insecurity is a problem for you as an individual and your relationship. It isn’t easy, but keep working on it. Becoming more secure doesn’t always result in trusting someone more, if you have good reasons not to. It may mean setting boundaries and sticking to them. It’s a hard call sometimes. I used to wonder what was an expression of love and making her my priority, and what was enabling insecurity, but in this case, defriending people you hardly know to rebuild trust you damaged with an affair seems like the obvious thing to do. IMO of course. Don’t berate yourself for having whatever feelings you have. It’s not really about who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s about coming together as a couple and setting priorities and boundaries. You have a right to say, “That’s unacceptable to me” even if he doesn’t agree, but you have to be ready to deal with the consequences of that kind of decision.
Which is why I said
If someone is determined to cheat, they would regardless of whether they were signed up on Facebook. Facebook itself isn’t significant at all. I think there is an overblown tendency to equate Facebook friends with real relationships, and they just aren’t. Real relationships happen in real life. You may use a tool (Facebook, email) to keep in touch, but the tool is not the relationship. The Facebook friending isn’t significant. The lack of trust and prior indiscretions are. Friending a Very Hot Chick doesn’t alter real-world relationships. Making a point to cyber/phone sex her, or meeting her in person might, however. Again, it’s not the tool that’s at issue – one could use any tool, or no tool at all – but where his hypothetical real life behavior crosses the line.
Missed the edit:
Facebook friending is about the equivalent to nodding to someone on the other side of a crowded room; basically “I acknowledge you exist.” For it to go farther than that, requires an active engagement of some kind – you walk across the room to talk, or you start pursuing a Very Hot Chick. Now maybe he friended VHC AND sent her a chatting-up message with the intent of feeling out a pursuit. That would be significant, but not because it happened on Facebook.
No, it’s not. Politely nodding at a stranger does not give them my full name, access to my photo albums and video clips, a list of my friends and family as well as their Profile photos, or let them know where I work or my favourite hangouts etc. Facebook does that for the people I “friend”, unless I use my privacy settings to specifically deny them that access.
RedBloom’s husband met a large group of men and women and, despite his previous online affair and ongoing marital counselling, chose to friend 6 of the women. The fact that his latest online contact was done out in the open doesn’t make it innocent. On the contrary, I think it’s either an appalling act of insensitivity that he’s compounding with excuses, or a deliberate attempt to bait his wife into a spiral of insecurity.
My best friend used to do stuff like this to his girlriends all the time. For instance, he’d leave flirty emails to previous ex-girlfriends open on his computer and indignantly scoff at his current girlfriend’s protests to knock it off. Then he’d hook up with the ex and blame his girlfriend for driving him to it with her mistrust and insecurity. He’s grown out of such selfish and cruel behaviour, thank heavens.
You’ve hit what I was thinking on the head, PotLuck “If I’m going to be accused of it, I might as well do it anyway”, regardless of whether historical actions made the concerns legitimate or not.
OK you said there are trust issues from your past, but besides this I believe your behavior is very counterproductive to the love you have between you. Love needs to be free to flow on all levels. Romantic spousal Love to you, but more is needed, other friends of both genders is part of a health relationship and will build resentment if he is denied it.
Yes, I would. The OP obviously has a bunch of problems. Note how she did not just tell us that hubby friended six women. She told us that three of them are “VERY attractive”. Trust me, when women evaluate other women as possible threats based on their appearance they have issues. The second is that expecting people to treat an emotional affair and an actual affair screams I want sympathy. Another very common issue.
So as I said, this is exactly how I would treat a coworker who told me this story. It basically has two possible outcomes. (1) They see the light and stop creating issues (HA!), or (2) not tell me their imaginary problems anymore.
As for the affair vs. emotional affair issue, I don’t necessarily have a problem with describing something as an emotional affair. But if you are going to do so, you must always include the word emotional with the word affair. Because when I hear the word affair, I think unfaithful long term sexual relationship. I sure don’t think “unspecified phone and internet contacts”.
An emotional affair is an affair. Some people find them just as devestating as a “real” affair, and sometimes even more so, because while some people have it in themselves to forgive a physical indescretion, deliberately diverting your emotions to another party is pretty damned damaging.
An affair is an affair, regardless of whether it’s emotional or physical. Both are betrayals of trust. An emotional affair IS an actual affair.
I agree with every word of this! How anyone could argue and emotional affair isn’t a “real” affair escapes me.
Having friends outside of the relationship is important, but when they are of the preferred gender, there have to be boundaries that both members of the couple agree on. In this case, the boundaries obviously aren’t agreed on.