Falling in love

This thread is inspired by another MPSIMS’s thread where Fairy Princess Kitty asked how SDMBer’s define love. I had to admit I really had no answer. I’m pretty sure I’ve never actually been in love, anyway. But is this unusual? I’m 24 years old. Most people I know my age say they have been in love at some point. But I never have. I’ve had girlfriends I was intensely attracted to, but those relationships were so short-lived and overly-preoccupied with the physical that it couldn’t possible have been love.
I’m beginning to wonder if I’m slowly turning into a cold, hard-hearted person. A skill you don’t use is a skill you lose, right? Is it possible to lose the ability to love others? Does it really matter at my age? I just wonder if I’m missing out on something.

I always think becoming cynical is a bit like letting part of yourself (maybe the best part) die. And being cynical about love and relationships seems like the worst because it’s something that has the potential for such excitement and happiness. But really everyone has to find his or her own balance between being an infatuation junkie and being so self-protective as to deny oneself a chance of happiness. I don’t know if it’s possible to lose the ability to love, but I’m sure it’s possible to learn not to allow yourself to truly love, and that seems like a pity.

You just haven’t met the right person yet. When you do, it will happen. At your age I wouldn’t worry about it. If you’ve never been in love then how can you lose the ability to love? You’ve never used the ability to start with. It will hit when you least expect it. Until then just enjoy life.

My mom didn’t find actual love, rather than weak imitations of it, until she was 45.

I’ve always thought looking for love was a huge mistake. It clouds one’s judgement and makes one see love where none exists, out of sheer hope and desperation.

I agree. And I am definitely cynical, but not content to be so. Breaking out of this mold seems so difficult. I don’t want to make myself out to seem tragic or desperate; I am neither. But I do feel a little sorry for myself. I can’t seem to muster the willpower to overcome the built-up inertia of my own cynicism. I can read a post like ultress’ while thinking, deep down, that it will never happen. Not because I’m so unlovable, but because I would never allow someone to get that close to me. I mean, I haven’t even come close to doing it so far. And I can’t see that changing. Why would it? If I have to do something deliberate to change myself, then I’m afraid I’m stuck as I am, for the reasons described above.

I totally agree with this point. Love is something that, if you are looking for it, you won’t see it even if it is right in front of you.

I’m afraid that it isn’t totally up to you, my man. It’ll sneak up on you. You’ll be so busy trying to be hard and cool, when it hits you, you won’t have seen it coming and you’ll be floored. I’m speaking from experience here.

You’re only 24. I know that it seems like that you’ll be single forever and never find anyone. When I was in your shoes, I felt much the same. Three years later, WHAM. Don’t try to hard. It’ll happen.

Just my $0.02.

See, this is part of what makes me feel weird. I’m really not “trying” right now. I don’t go out-at all. I don’t party, I don’t date, I don’t socialize much. Part of this is due to my having just moved to a new city, but I did only a little bit more of this type of stuff at my old town, too. It does bother me a little, but not enough to change. I’m more worried about the long-term cumulative effects. I don’t think I’m even capable of a normal relationship right now, and how can that improve if I never leave the house?

Oh Lizard. Honey you are over-analyzing this. And doing that is only going to confuse, confound and convince you that you’re better off hiding under a rock.
This is just my very humble opinion, so I leave it to you to do with as you like. Falling in love, being in love for that matter, is unique. It is not comparable to anything, really.
But here are some small things I’ve observed in my life. You would not want any charming girl to love you under false pretenses, right? You would want her to love you for yourself, for all your flaws–not just in spite of them. Therefore, you cannot find happiness being someone you are not. ‘I know that, strutter.’
Still, think about it. Where do you find your true happiness? When are those occasions that you catch yourself thinking that you are at your best? When are you proudest of yourself?
These are the most important things–and to love another, or be loved by another, you need first to love yourself. I know, I hated that when my mother told me that too. But it’s true in a way. Not an egotistical self-love. No, more like a true self-understanding.
It’s a real journey in life to get to know oneself…and its rewards are immense. Because in taking the time to discover all the things that make you happy and give you self-worth, you discover other people doing the very same thing. And your desire to become a person unto yourself actually brings you closer to others. And finding love is a small part of it. Some of my best friendships came about this way.
Yes, it does require exposing small parts of yourself. (Always wanted to take fencing lessons? Good idea. But understand that other people will not think less of you if you are not ashamed of having no experience.)
The great bonus is that if and when you do develop feelings for someone, they will not be dependent upon that person. You will not worry about ‘existing’ for some one else. Feelings of tenderness, attraction and protection toward another will be a natural extention of how you feel about yourself.

I’m done rambling. Sorry to go on and on. You will be just fine. Just take care of you, okay?

I think I understand a little better now. I was going off the assumption that all other things were equal. I didn’t know that you’d recently moved.

I can empathize with you there. In the past five years, I’ve moved 4 different times. Each time came a feeling of disconnectedness with things around me. With time, however, that changed.

It takes time to get acclimated to your new surroundings. I think you may be getting down on yourself too much. So far as your “not trying at all” goes, it sounds like you may have too many other things (new town, new job or school, new acquaintances) to worry about going out.

I’d bet that once you start to meet people and make friends you’ll feel more comfortable in your new surroundings. From there, it will all begin to build on itself. You’ll start going out. Start meeting more people. And it’ll happen.

OK, OK, I know that what I just said simplifies the situation. I know that there are things going on that I have no clue about. And I realize that there is a good chance that I am just rambling on about something I have no idea on. But you’ve not made a concious decision not to meet someone. You’re stuck in a rut and your new situation isn’t helping things. And you sound like you want to meet someone down the road. I think you just need to work on being more comfortable in your new place and getting to know some people.

Lizard you sound like a good guy. I wish you all the luck in the world. I don’t have a definitive answer for you. I just hope that I’ve helped a little and not sounded like a total loon.

Lizard, as you have seen here before, no one defines ‘love’, ‘in love’ or ‘being in love’ the same way, so there is no set answer to your question, only your own answer.

One day it ll sneak up behind you and hit you in the head.

By the way… I always wanted to rename the word. It s so cliche you cant dare to tell somebody you love that you love him anymore - how about a new one?!
There sure have to be more words for this feeling… more than one single word. There are so many diffrent kinds of love… so there should be one word each.


Hell…i want to be in love…Hell, i don’t even care if she’s in love back, i’m sure that if i was really in love with someone, i could covince her what a great guy i am, and then she’d love me back

(Ok ok, i know i’m a bit naive, but just leave me alone with my immagination…)

…Ok, i’ll leave now

Gee, thanks. You really don’t sound like a loon here. :smiley: This thread is really just an attempt by me to fathom something that seems really alien to me, yet seems to be celebrated by everyone I know. Since I am considered by most of my friends to be of at least average intelligence, my failure to understand what seems to be a valued, important part of life for many people causes me some real consternation.