Falling in it. Looking for it. Or hell, being so scared that you actually hide from the damn thing, get an unlisted number and walk around in the funny glasses and fake moustache.
Well, that might be me. Ya see, I’m finally about to do the real honest-to-Bog starting over thing, for hopefully the permanent time. Soon (like within the next couple of weeks) I’ll be moving to Dallas in my little trailer, continuing my career as a waitress and eventually, I think, hooking up with people to make friends and whatever else could fall on to the agenda.
But I’m petrified. I have SO freakin’ much baggage and problems that are in ‘slow as molasses goes’ mode, way behind (or no longer interested in) in those same things that most others want out of normal life (ie: 2.5 kids / a mortgage to rival a disowned Trump / vacations at DisneyWorld / a Hummer / owner of a profitable dot com company / you name it), and a need to keep my daily existence as simple and stress-free as possible.
Therefore, it will all be totally different than what it was like before I was married and nuts, when I could still claim to be wide-eyed and bushy-tailed. Also, completely opposite of the last go I had at this nonsense. I can’t do that again. I will not. Being hurt like that has left (watch for angst ahead) me nothing. Meaning: I don’t believe that love conquers all or that even dime story fairy tales are true. There isn’t someone for everyone, everything doesn’t work out in the end or for a good reason nor do I expect anything ahead of me but more and more hard work. Which is all okay and only what I truly desire anyhow.
But if I succumb to a desire to torture myself by climbing out on that particular vulnerable limb, what do I do? How much of one’s history to divulge? How to ensure that you don’t lose sight of yourself and do (possibly) irreparable damage? Shit. I know I have enough on my plate with just getting up and running not to worry about all this crap in the first place, but it’s still back there taunting me with the idea. And I thought you guys could tell me about yourselves and what you suggest. How is it done? Please help a second-time newbie.
Everyone had baggage and problems. Everyone. Love is a lot of things, but it’s not “nonsense.” I don’t think you’re afraid of being in love; I think you’re afraid of being hurt.
We all are. No one likes to be hurt, but you simply must keep putting yourself out there on that “vulnerable limb,” because the alternative is, well, unacceptable. You can’t ensure anything in life. You can’t rap yourself in an educated, self-aware, over-analytical cocoon and hope that will protect you.
The only way to get back in there is to dive into the deep end. Head first. Completely naked.
Mrs. RickJay’s best friend, who’s pretty much my other little sister, just discovered one of her co-workers, who she’s been in love with for awhile now - and would never tell him, because he was with someone else and she simply would never do something like that - loves her, has loved her for years, and wouldn’t tell her because HE wouldn’t do something like that, but now circumstances have made them both single and look what happened. So now suddenly they’re planning on embarking on a new adventure, one that requires a degree of, shall we say, life reorganization. She’s very nervous about it.
Personally, I think it’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard. How romantic! There’s almost a Shakespearian quality to it.
Nothing can make you happier, honestly, than love. What I have with my wife and kid beats anything. It’s so worth a shot. So what to do? Shit, don’t worry about it. If you meet someone, just give it a try. If they’re not the right one, move along. If it seems they are, keep trying. Don’t sweat the details.
It’s funny, but I just had this conversation with a friend. After a string of really bad relationships, she’s dating someone who has all the earmarks of becoming a good boyfriend: he’s considerate, calls when he says he will, and they’re compatible in the humor/hobby/family area.
Her biggest problem, though, is what I call borrowing trouble. She extrapolates from a little thing, or puts a whole bunch of things together out of context, and reaches some result that tells her the relationship is heading nowhere. But, unlike in the past, she recognizes that she’s doing it. She’s made a conscious decision to just sort of be in the moment, and take things as they come. I’m really proud of her for doing that (and relieved, too, because now I don’t have to knock sense into her about it ).
Whether or not things work out with this guy, I think she’s found a better way of dealing with it. Yes, if they break up it will hurt, but she’ll be able to deal with.
And so will you, when you find yourself in that situation. Just take things slowly, and live in the moment.
I’m not afraid of falling in love: I’m all about dating, and I got a taste of a serious relationship last year (for the first time in a long time) and I liked it. I’m kind of looking forward to the whole wonderful, awful mess. Cupid can bring it.
What scares the crap out of me, though, is the idea of finding real love and then somehow losing it – he dies before me, he falls out of love with me, etc. It won’t keep me from committing to someone, but it’ll sure as hell keep me from committing to just anyone.
I had my heart utterly obliterated a few years ago. And I wasn’t a fresh bushy tailed and bright eyed young thing either, this was THE relationship after having had several long term relationships over my lifetime. Unfortunately, it did happen to be the only time I’ve ever honestly been in love.
I’ve been pretty much dead from the neck down ever since. Sorry, no advice, but don’t give up. Some people just get luckier than others.
I don’t think of myself as afraid of romance. If the right man came along, I’d be happy to give it my best shot. When you’re in love and it’s going well, there’s no better feeling on earth.
However, there are various factors in my personality/lifestyle/etc. that make it harder for me to find compatible men than it seems to be for a lot of other women. I guess there is a part of me that wonders if the fun parts of love are really worth the drama/suffering that often follows. The odds of any given relationship working out over the long haul are quite small, and the odds of getting hurt are pretty high. Like most people, I’ve certainly been hurt my share of times already.
So, I’ve been preparing myself for the possibility I may spend my life alone…and maybe it’s really not so bad to be alone.
Certainly we all need love in our lives, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be romantic love. Similar to what I commented recently in another recent thread, a life filled with love in the form of caring friends, community involvement (what better way to cure loneliness than to reach out to others who are hurting and lonely?), or passionate pursuit of hobbies could certainly be more fulfilling than a bad relationship…and so many of relationships do end up going bad.
So, I guess what I’ve advocating here is to try to stay open to all possibilities…but don’t pressure yourself into thinking you have to find someone to be happy. It’s a big world with lots of potential ways to fill a life.
Best wishes on your new start in life!
You can divulge information when you feel you can entrust your lover with the goods. You’ll know when the time is right. No need to tell him everything up front. Let the relationship move at its own pace.
We’ve all been off the beam at some point in our lives (to different degrees, of course, but that’s not what’s important). Most people don’t care about the past. We’re all in it for the present and future. Love is there for the taking. You just have to want to feel good. And I know you will find the right guy. Just take your time and go with the flow.
It sounds like you’ve been dented up a bit from past relationships, I can see why you would be afraid of love. Just remember that any person seeking you out is just as hopeful as you are of them, and they are probably just as loaded with history, but it’s up to the both of you to not go in afraid or full of prejudice, else the boat will row in circles. Remember the way you used to be and pick up from there, there’s nothing left to lose from here out! Your body is the tip to an old kite, with history fanning out behind it, except you’ve got the heart to weave more color into its threads.
Same here. Everything good changes or comes to an end and I just can’t stand it. Plus my own low-self-esteem baggage tells me that no one would want to commit to me forever.
Hmm, I don’t believe that – I meant that what scares me is the knowledge that I could lose my partner. It will be the most significant relationship in my life, and therefore the one I most fear losing. But I don’t agree with “all good things come to an end”: I also believe that there’s an equal, if not better, chance of living out a full and happy existence with the love of my life by my side.
Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. Yesterday I was feeling a little more nervous of the future than I usually do, especially in how it might relate to any possible desire for future intimacies. After that last one, I think I’d be happier with only electronic devices and designer pizza, ya know?
Anyway, I suppose I won’t figure it out until I’m there and there’s no point in obsessing over something that may not happen. I’m just certain I’ll continue to worry about when and how much to divulge. Ah, if I only had something easier to share… like a three-headed sister covered in pink metallic polka dots, who dates wolves. Saying; “Sorry, but could we stop by my place so that I can take my Prozac that I missed this morning?” doesn’t sound like it’ll lead to a fun conversation. At least not the first time. Or four.
I’d probably be afraid of love if I could actually figure out what it is; I’m increasingly of the opinion that what passes for love is alternating states of neurochemical stimulation and resignation to at least having someone. My perception may be somewhat colored by my past experiences, including the paltry number of relationships I’ve been in all of which terminated in being tossed aside for a better number and a failed marriage that was almost financially draining as it was emotionally, not to mention all the influences I saw around me growing up, many of which equated jealously-induced violence with love.
At this point, I’d much prefer a semi-casual relationship with a young lady with whom I could share a few active interests–hiking, kayaking, movies, whatever–on a weekend or a couple of nights a week without delving into the “What about us?” question or having to cope with someone who is emotionally or financially needy. I’ve found that to be a difficult relationship to find, however, and my pursuit of it is probably not improved by my awkwardness with physical intimacy and difficulty in discerning between interest and revulsion.
Love sure makes for a great marketing tool, though. There’s no better way to sell a lump of tetrahedral carbon than to appeal to love. :rolleyes:
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