There’s this woman I was sort of set up with by a mutual friend. I say “sort of” because nothing has come of it beyond emailing each other. I don’t want to go into specifics, but basically: I thought things were going well, she seemed to be into me; then she freaked out and vanished. She won’t return my emails. This isn’t the first time this has happened with her.
The mutual friend tells me she has a history of being attracted to assholes; she’s had a number of bad relationships in the past, and has been hurt very badly. Her way of dealing with her fear of a new (good, non-asshole) relationship is to bolt. I am told she has a hard time trusting, and I’m assured it has nothing to do with me, I just need to be patient. I’m trying my best to accept this, but I can’t help feeling a bit hurt, or thinking “what did I do wrong?”
Are any of you women here like this, or have been in the past? Can you help me understand what’s going through her head? How you got over it? Anything I can do or say to help turn it around?
I’ve been taken by my share of assholes, and am probably a lot like your friend’s friend. I don’t just stop emailing people without giving them a reason, but I’m very wary of certain “signs” and have no problem dropping someone like they’re hot if I see those signs. Did you say something sexually inappropriate? Did you notice something integral about her and then suggest that she change because you like that better? Did you say anything, anything at all that might have scared her off?
If not, then she’s probably a bit too paranoid. But instead of judging how much of a bitch she is, I hope you’ll try to understand- she, for some reason, feels like she just can’t risk it. It’s nothing personal, I’m sure.
I’d maybe try one more gentle attempt to talk to her, and if you get no response, give it up. Some people just want to be alone.
Yeah- fuck any bitches that have had relationship problems in the past and may be a little gun-shy. Yo, dude, you are way too cool for that.
:rolleyes:
A very hearty +1. If someone exhibits that kind of unpredictable behaviour from the outset for reasons that you have been told are outside of your control, do you really want to spend time worrying about it too much?
Chalk it up to bad luck and move on is my suggestion.
ETA: Alice - I don’t think that was called for. You don’t think that if someone (male or female) has had issues in the past they need to take that into consideration before dating someone else? Or at the very least say to the other person they’d like to take things slowly or somesuch so that the other party is aware of what they’re getting into? I don’t think anyone would like to be left in the position of such self doubt which would happen if someone just suddenly broke off contact without giving you a reason, are you really saying that behaviour is justified even when the other person getting into the relationship knows they’re coming with baggage?
I’m assuming the OP found some good qualities about this woman and has reasons for wanting to continue the relationship, or he wouldn’t be here asking about it. Right, OP?
Sure - he’s asking, and I’m giving my opinion that based on what he has said it’s probably not worth doing. My suggestion isn’t binding in any way so I don’t see what the problem is.
GESancMan, it does sound like you haven’t done anything wrong, but Chimera does make a good point - are you up to having a more difficult relationship? I have sympathy for someone who is gun-shy after past experiences, but she has to take some responsibility for not scaring off good ones by acting like a flake, too. I’d say send her an email saying something like, “Hey, Ms. X, I haven’t heard from you in a while. I’d like to go for coffee sometime, but if you’re not up for it, no problem. Please let me know if this works for you.” That leaves the ball in her court without pressuring her; if she actually wants to date a good guy, she’ll have to make some effort to make that happen, too.
Yes, and thank you. As for what might have scared her off, a little more detail is in order.
First, I hadn’t heard from her in a couple of years, then she contacted me out of the blue. After a while we started talking about meeting up in person - the problem is, there are several hundred miles between us. And again, she was the one who initiated the idea. When we started making actual plans, and things became a bit more concrete, she started to freak.
The mistake I think I made was: she warned me that she was starting to feel that reflex coming on, so we agreed to cancel our plans. But she continued to become more distant, and I couldn’t understand why - and told her so. In a nice way, I wasn’t angry or anything. But she didn’t answer.
After I’d had some time to think it through, I realized I’d been impatient, and apologized - but I’ve not heard back from her. I have written her since, trying to show patience and understanding, but I don’t know what else I can do.
As for why I’m pursuing this… I’ve known Mutual Friend for about 30 years, and I would guess She and Mutual Friend have known each other for about five years. However, those two are closer these days than I am with MF. MF tells me She is definitely worth it, if we can get past all of this… I’m inclined to agree, but I’m not gonna wait around forever.
I agree with everyone else. You don’t need this sort of drama in your life. Save yourself some serious headaches and get out while you’re still not that invested.
There is a possibility that she thought at first she was ready to date someone new, and then did a reassessment and decided that her house isn’t quite in order yet, so to speak. Maybe she’s trying to find a way to say that without sounding flighty. Or maybe her silence is the only way she feels comfortable in “saying” so.
You apologized, you kept your end of the communication open. Ball’s in her court now and you both know it. It’s very frustrating when you have a good feeling about someone and they don’t seem to share it, but if it’s really meant to be, she’ll give it a shot. If not…try not to dwell on it, OK?
I wouldn’t say she sounds like she’s crazy, but the OP didn’t have enough details to say whether he should proceed or not. Upon further investigation, it appears that she does have issues.
I could write pages on why I think it’s worth hanging on, at least for a little while. Let me just say that I postulated to Mutual Friend that the crux of the problem is that since She has never been in a relationship with a nice guy, the thought of such scares her (perhaps subconsciously) - she wouldn’t know how to deal with it, since she’s used to assholes. And, because she’s only known guys that treat her like shit, she doesn’t think she’s good enough for a nice guy (again, probably subconsciously). MF told me I’d nailed it - and MF has the credentials to form such an opinion.
The point is, both MF and myself are of the opinion that if we can get past this initial fear of Hers, the major battle would be over, so to speak. I’m not saying I think everything would instantly be hunky-dory; I realize it would take time and work, and I’m willing to go slowly.
Thank you all for your opinions, though. I know the logical thing to do would be to move on… but dammit, that’s not what I want.
I wouldn’t necessarily jump to saying she is crazy like a few here have. There could be any number of reasons she hasn’t responded, but my advice at this point is to just give it up and let her make the next move, if a next move is to be made.
If she comes back and messages you with a reason for her behavior, then maybe talk to her at that point. But if I were you, I would just move on with my life and not let this hold you back from finding someone else.
If it helps, anyone who actually believes that all of my ex’s were assholes and that they are, in fact, the first “nice guy” I’ve run into immediately pegs my “OMG RUN”-o-meter.
And although this has nothing to do with who you personally are, self-proclaimed “nice guys” are quite often anything but.
I’d say leave her be and look elsewhere but let her know to look you up if things fall into place for her later down the road. Waiting and analyzing wastes your time, makes you both nervous and gives her literally no impetus to grow and/or seek help for her emotional issues.
