Am I falling out of Love? - Warning - LONG

In My Humble Opinion
1

Okay… I’ll try to make this as articulate as possible, but I’m so confused right now, that I’m not sure I’LL even know what I’m talking about. Please bear with me, I’ll try not to make this too long, or ramble too much.

I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for about 9 months now, and for the most part, it’s going well. We almost broke up about 2 weeks ago because he said we couldn’t communicate. A couple of hours later, he called me back and said that he felt he owed it to himself, and to “us” to try to make it work. So, we’re still together.

Right now though, I’m not totally sure how I feel about that. I’ve had some stuff going through my head for a couple of days, but I can’t really wrap my mind around it, so honestly, I’m not really sure HOW I feel. Maybe if I write it out, it will help.

Like I said, I’m not really sure how I feel. I do know that I love him. That hasn’t changed. The weird thing is though, when we’re not together, it’s different. I don’t think of him in the same way that I do when we’re together. but when I see him, the sun comes out, and he’s everything. When he’s not here, however, it’s kind of blah. I don’t know what that’s about. When he’s here, I don’t want to be anywhere else. When he’s not…

The other thing that’s been bothering me is that I have doubts about how he feels about me. I know that this doesn’t seem to match up with what I just said, but maybe my doubts about his feels are the reason for my doubts about my feelings (or lack thereof). Again, this changes. When he’s here, I know that he loves me without a doubt. (Okay, after I wrote that, I think that “without a doubt” might be putting it a little strong)

Anyway, when we’re together, I don’t even have to think about whether he loves me, I just know. When we are apart, though, the doubts creep in. I think maybe it’s not so much that I think he doesn’t love me - more that he doesn’t love me as much as I love him. And that makes me wonder what will happen when/if (of course I’m thinking more “when”) his love fades. That scares me. And what do you do with a fear like that? Do I say to him: “Love me more”?

I’m thinking that this fear mainly comes from the fact that he tried to break up with me. I don’t know if I can get over the feeling that one day he will just decide he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Or decides that he likes someone else better. Maybe he will. I don’t think my heart could take that. I would crack.

For some reason, I’ve been feeling very insecure lately. He works with a lot of models and actresses, and I wonder if maybe one day, I just won’t be pretty enough for him. Hell, I don’t know if I’m pretty enough for him now! If I dress up really nice, he might pay me a compliment, but I don’t really feel like he thinks I’m attractive. And, well, I guess I’m girly enough to need that kind of thing. So, if he doesn’t think I’m pretty, what happens when some chick gets in his face? If my doubts about his level of committment and love are true, what’s to keep him from trading up?

I know I’m going to get a lot of people telling me to just talk to him about how I’m feeling. I tried that. I told him everything I’ve just told you (except for my doubts about how I feel about him), and of course he said exactly what I thought he would say. “Of course I love you”, “I think you’re beautiful”, I value our relationship and I value you." - Of course, it’s good to hear those things, but hearing it and believing it are two different things, and action speaks louder than words. I need to feel it. And right now, I just don’t.

So, I wonder if I actually do love him, or am I just relying on the MEMORY of loving him. We got into a bit of a tiff over the phone today, and I told him that I needed some time to think, so I wouldn’t be seeing him or talking to him at all this weekend. And I think it’s odd that I don’t feel weird about that. Like, I don’t feel like I’ll miss him or anything.

I know that no one here can tell me what to do, but I would appreciate any advice or insight that you can offer. Right now I’m just sitting here frustrated and confused.

2

When you picture the rest of your life, how does it make you feel to imagine it without him?

Love isn’t going to feel the same from day to day. Some days it’s passionate, some days is comfortable, and some days it’s buried under the anger.

I think taking a few days off to think is wise. You probably already know the answer to your question. Now, you just have to get the courage to act on your decision, whatever it may be.

3

As an addendum to my post, real love means security. I know that Ivylad loves me. He wasn’t a monk before he met me, but I know that he thinks I’m the best thing since sliced bread. And not because he tells me so. Because of his actions. So we can joke about his wild past and the young girls that try to flirt with him, because I know.

You also deserve to know. For a fact, without a doubt.

4

IMO, expecting breathless romantic infatuating love for the long haul is a pipe dream. The infatuation and romance gets someone in your heart, but it’s the trust and support and reliability that should determine whether or not you keep 'em there.

5

Thanks for the responses…

I’ve thought about that. I think the honest answer is “I don’t know”. We’ve talked about our future, and all that. I picture myself with him for the rest of my life, and the thought makes me happy. But at the same time, being without him won’t kill me. I’d be heartbroken, but with time, I’d heal.

Yeah, I think I’m going through all of those phases right now. Maybe I should just get used to it and realize that the “honeymoon period” is over. I guess I need to wake up to the idea of grown up, mature love and get used to the fact that some days I may not like him, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love him.

6

My SO and I have been together for a bit over a year, and while I am simply disturbingly happy to have him in my life and really want to marry this man, by this point (we’ve been living together for six months) the breathless infatuation stuff is pretty much over. Not that it doesn’t ever happen, but it’s not a constant, either. A lot of the time I feel happy and contented and totally in love, but it’s calmer than the first couple of months of hearts and flowers and butterflies and whatnot.

I can’t say whether you’re falling out of love, but love does change over time, so that might be what’s happening for you. I kinda like it, it means we can curl up to watch a movie and I’m not distracted simply by the fact that I’m being cuddled by the Most Wonderful Man In The World (which he most certainly is IMO) and…oh yeah, where were we in that movie again?

7

That’s true, but in your OP you also seem to have some security issues related to his job. That’s something you need to work on. If you’re not comfortable having him work around models and actresses, then you need to look elsewhere. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means you’re not comfortable with the level of temptation surrounding him. And while, yes, a lot of men in that situation will remain faithful, it takes a strong, secure woman comfortable with herself to deal with it. It doesn’t sound like you’re there yet. So, either work on that, or move on.

8

As for the insecurity you feel about him working with “beautiful” women all the time (I think most women are beautiful, but anyway) will probably turn out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy if you let it affect your relationship. If you trust him, trust him, and if you don’t, move on, to be fair to both of you.

And at nine months, that sounds like just about the right time for infatuation to be wearing off. When my husband and I started dating, I didn’t think about anything but him for the first while. We’re having our third year anniversary next Wednesday, and let me assure you, it isn’t the same as it was at first at all.

Him breaking up with you is certainly going to affect how you look at the relationship. If you think he’s not all the way in, your self-preservation instinct has probably kicked in hard.

Oh, don’t expect Hollywood love, either. Real-life love isn’t at all like it is in the movies - it’s not nearly that tidy and well-defined and all-consuming. There are all kinds of levels of love in the real world. And, as Oprah says, love is an action, not a feeling. If he’s not acting it, your instincts are probably on the mark.

9

It doesn’t sound like you’ve had any major problems thus far (which is good!), so IMO you’re overreacting to the first stumbling block in your relationship. I had the same sort of feeling with my (now ex-) girlfriend and decided to work through it and was quite happy for quite some time after.*

I agree with the other posters in that after the butterflies wear off and you’re now getting comfortable around this dude, things are going to be different. The way I looked at it was that I could always say “no” later, but I’d never be able to say “yes” again. In that situation, I think it was the correct choice.

That he wanted to break up (is that how he phrased it, or was it a “take some time apart” deal?) is interesting. How’d you feel when he told you? It’s possible that he was also getting worried about things getting too serious and it was, to borrow a phrase from high school football, gut check time.

As for working with the models, eh, that’s something you have to decide on. You know if you can trust him or not. You waver in your description, so from my perspective, it appears you *don’t * trust him. Again though, it’s your choice.

Of course, it seems that the big problem is the communication thing. This can only be solved by talking to him. If you’re both honest.

Good luck.

  • Of course after a couple of years, she changed her mind…
10

Well, she has talked to him, and he has reassured her, but she doesn’t feel he means it:

To me, this is a trust/security issue. If you don’t believe him when he tells you these things, then you need to ask yourself what he gains by lying to you. If he’s telling you one thing and acting another, then believe his actions.

11

My guess is that his breaking up with you kinda shocked your system a little bit. You’d been thinking along one line, and he interrupted that. It broke the infatuation cycle, maybe, leaving something more realistic.

And the reality is, at least for most of us, a short relationship can be important, but if it would cause us to stop living then we are too emotionally invested. In other words, I think your detachment is pretty healthy.

The trust thing is something else entirely. If you don’t trust him, you don’t trust him. Nothing really can change that. He might be trustworthy. He might not be. The truth doesn’t matter, really. What matters is where your instincts point. You might find that certain men never do anything wrong and you still don’t trust them, while others act suspiciously from the start and you remain confident. There really is no rhyme nor reason to a lot of it.

Good luck.

12

If you’re feeling ambivalent about not seeing him, then I’d take that as a sign that you might not be right for each other. Sounds like he may be feeling the same way.

You might want to “officially” free yourself up to see what else is out there. “Love” is not the only criteria for a long term relationship. Compatability, trust, mutual values – all these are equally important.