Family And Finances- Long

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I was happy in my first apartment. Then, we found it was infested with at least two kinds of toxic mold and wasn’t safe to inhabit. We panicked. My beloved found a great storage space (cheap, big, climate controlled etc). We needed a company to remove mold and mold spores from all my stuff, pack it, and move it to the storage space. I insisted that this was not necessary. We could just judge what was too moldy to be saved, throw it out, and clean everything else with bleach. My beloved has a germ phobia. She insisted, repeatedly and quite passionately that we needed a professional de-molding company. She also said that if I did not use a professional de-molding company, she would never set foot in any apartment I lived in ever again.

I still think I could have done the judging, throwing out and de-molding with the help of a few friends. I concede that I still would have needed professional mover. However, to avoid conflict with my beloved and to ensure she would come visit my future dwelling place, I agreed to pay for the de-molding company. It cost me ten thousand dollars. Yes, ten thousand dollars. This was almost my entire savings.

My sister and sister in law got very over protective when they heard about the toxic mold. They insisted, as usual, that I had no idea how to run my life and that they needed to do it for me. I want to be clear. I love them very much. They love me very much. It’s just that they tend to get over protective and feel the need to run my life. They also believed I could handle the judging, throwing out and de-molding with the help of some friends. I said I was getting professionals to do it. They got really loud and angry. They asked how much it cost. I panicked. I told them it cost twenty five hundred. They spent quite some time lecturing me on how this was vastly too much and a complete waste of money.

Before the mold was discovered, my sister and I had talked of taking some of my savings and investing it. Obviously, money sitting in an account is not really doing much. Money put into bonds or such can’t be touched for a while, but eventually comes back with more money.

I will be visiting my sister and sister in law from January tenth til the twenty fifth. My sister has repeatedly brought up that she wants to help me invest some money while I am there.

When she asks how much money is in the account, the answer will be seven thousand five hundred dollars less than it should be. I am once again panicking and have no idea what to do.

I talked to my beloved about this. She said that my sister just needed to admit she was wrong, that a professional de-molding company was needed, and that such services are expensive. I know my sister. She is even more stubborn than I am. She will never see the other side of this issue.

I had wanted to work through this with a therapist. My troubles finding a suitable therapist are detailed in the last few monthly mini rants threads. I currently do not have one.

I briefly considered discussing the issue with my Mom. Sadly, she has never been great at keeping secrets. According to my sister, Mom is also beginning to show signs of senility. I haven’t noticed that, but Mom and I usually text and talk on Facebook posts rather than on the phone. In any event, I do not feel safe talking to Mom about this.

I have turned to the SDMB for advice before. I turn there again.

Thanks.

2

Not to pry but in the interest of understanding your story: do you have some sort of condition that would require this sort of financial conservatorship? Even as mild as being fiscally illiterate to the point that you’ve asked her to monitor your financial habits?

3

I do have a variety of mental health issues. But, nothing so severe that I would need somebody to manage my finances for me. While, for many reasons and involving long stories, I never learned to drive, I feel that I manage most of my life just fine. My sister however feels that I am fundamentally incapable of running my life on my own. She is also very loud and intimidating. It is often considerably less trouble just to give in.

While I was receiving social security disability, foodstamps, medicare and medicaid having any kind of other income would have reduced my benefits. I had an under the table job as a home health aid for several years. If I deposited the money I made, my benefits would have been slashed like crazy. So, I took pay in cash. I hid that cash safely in my apartment. When my sister learned of this, she said that this was unwise. I had thought of somebody finding and taking the money. Considering the trouble in finding and getting to things in my apartment that were not intentionally hiddden, I considered this unlikely. She brought up the issue of the money being destroyed by fire or something else. She volunteered to set up an account under her name, deposit the money and not do anything to it without my consent if I just brought the cash to Florida with me. So, that is what we did. This was many years ago.

Later, I learned of Able accounts. These are set up under a special program and allow people on disability and other programs to deposit money in an account without it being counted against them. My sister took all the money out of my secret account and I deposited it in the Able account.

A few years ago, citing the death of her daughter (my beloved niece) as proof that we should be prepared in case of tragedy, my sister wanted me to have her name added to my regular checking account. I do not remember why I said yes instead of just filing an ‘in case of death give this person all my money’ form. But, my checking account is now under her name as well as mine. In general, she pays no attention to it. OTTOMH the one time she has asked me about something was when a therapist’s office charged me severa months worth of deductables all at once instead of a small amount after each session.

So, even if I had the funds to switch from my checking account to my Able account, she would see me withdrawing a thousands of dollars and ask why.

4

You might want to be discrete about what you post on-line.

Sorry for your difficulties. (And I haven’t read any of your other threads.). Do you WANT your sister to handle/help with your investments? If not, I’d suggest you figure out a way to firmly tell her, “Thanks, but no thanks.” It won’t be easy, pleasant, or quick. But it rarely is easy or pleasant dealing with pushy people.

5

Thanks, but I don’t think I need to worry. I do not believe I have ever posted my actual name, my address etc on this board. When I registered, they just needed an e-mail address. It was long ago and I got that internet address without having to give up any personal information. I never use that e-mail address when dealing with any government agency or any employer. I have confessed to technically commiting fraud here and in other threads. However, over 98% of Dopers don’t know my actual name, phone number or address. Plus most of the years I was on disability and foodstamps, my only other income was loans from family members because the money I received from the government didn’t even cover the rent let alone electricity and other utilities. Those loans were duly disclosed to when I reported income.

I did work as a home health aid for a few years. It was not a lot of money. I was not living in the lap of luxury laughing at my skill in cheating Uncle Sam. I was a man trying to recover from severe and chronic depression, getting enough money that I didn’t have to borrow from relatives, and trying very hard to get myself mentally fit to get a regular and on the books job. A few years ago I got such a job. The government knows all about it.

I did for a long time. She is generally very good with finances and budgets and such. Then, I spent $7500 more than I tolld her.

That is part of the problem. I agreed to have her help me repeatedly over a long span of time, If I suddenly say I don’t want her help, it will be very suspicious.

Additionally, my sister is even more stubborn than I am. The only other person I have ever known who was that stubborn was our father. They argued often for that reason. IfI do not agree with her point of view, she will never consider that there are two sides to the issue or that she could be wrong. She will persist sure in the knowledge that I am blind or stupid and can be made to see the truth. “Pushy” really fails to properly convey the depth and breadth or her stubborness.

6

I think you just need to tell your sister the truth. She will still love you. She’ll be exasperated, sure, but she sounds like a great person and this will not be the end of the world that you might be telling yourself it is.

“Sis, when I told you the de-molding was $2500 I wasn’t being fully honest because I was embarrassed. It was actually $10,000. I know that’s a lot of money, and probably not wisely spent, but I felt that I had no other choice.” Done.

7

I agree you just need to tell her. What’s done is done. You’re an adult. It was your money. What she going to do? Get loud? Ok. You can handle loud.

My boyfriend has the same issue as you when it comes to getting worked up over perceived reactions. It’s exhausting. He won’t admit stuff because he is scared of how someone will react. Granted this is based on years of dealing with people in his family that do react in annoyingly over the top ways, but I’m astonished he will put him self through weeks and months and years of fretting and stress to avoid a few minutes of an angry reaction by people who have proven they will always love him afterwards.

Your sister will be annoyed. She will call you a dumbass. She will have negative reactions. And she’ll get over it. The money isn’t coming back, you’re an adult and you made your own decision with your own money. Maybe you can ask her for help going forward. Maybe you can just keep going down your own path.

Not gonna lie, tho - it sounds like you let your girlfriend bully you in to spending the money. Is the stuff you got cleaned even worth $10k? I have a whole house, albeit modest, and I could probably replace all of the contents very tidily for $10k.

You seem to have chosen a partner who has similar traits to your sister, which I totally understand. I have done the same with my partner. But you can’t be pushed around by both, as that is going to cause problems on both ends. If you are choosing your partner’s suggested path then own up to it. Don’t put the blame on her because it was the path of least resistance. It will only cause problems between her and your sister, who you will always need by your side.

8

I’m only going to pitch in about a very narrow portion of this - your sister may not be as good as finances as you and she think. So don’t hesitate to push back against something that you aren’t comfortable with. For example, you would be completely justified in removing your sister from your checking account and just tell her you don’t want it done that way any longer.

Also, before you start investing in the stock market, it’s generally recommended that you keep 3-6 month’s worth of expenses in cash savings. So if you lost your job tomorrow you could pay every bill and afford to eat while you look for further employment for several months. While investing in the stock market is still pretty liquid and you could cash out quickly, you don’t want to end up in a situation where you’ve lost your job and the stock market has tanked and your savings will now only cover 1 month of expenses instead of 3.

9

My sister is no financial wizard, but she never claimed to be one. She is very good at setting up budgets and managing bank accounts.

I may have used the wrong word when I said “investing”. I am definitely not buying stock. We are considering various government bonds and that kind of thing. You put in money. That money is not accessible for a few years. It then comes back to you with more money.

10

None of these people mentioned (including “beloved” - who apparently doesn’t even live with you but exerts an outsized level of control over your life) should have any involvement in your finances or demanding how you spend your money. based on your posts, I don’t believe you have any “condition” requiring 3 or more women to run your life except perhaps being a doormat. And I guarantee your mental health issues are intertwined with that.

11

You used “investing” correctly - buying bonds is definitely one way of doing so! However, since your money will be locked up for a not-insignificant amount of time, I would strongly encourage you to have something closer to 6 months of living expenses in an emergency fund before you start investing in bonds.

I personally have a relatively low risk tolerance when it comes to something like that (you may not feel the same, and that’s okay!). Ultimately you need to figure out what you’re comfortable with and what works for your situation.

12

Oh, when I was living on social security disability having more than two thousand in my checking account would cause problems. Now that I am living primarily off of income from my job, I can have as high a balance in my checking account as I want. I just paid January’s rent. There should be about five thousand dollars left. My monthy expenses are rent, water, gas, electric, internet, food and a few other minor things I am probably forgetting. So, if I put what remains in the Able account in bonds or whatever I should still be good for six months

13

That sounds like emotional blackmail to me?

It’s just that they tend to get over protective and feel the need to run my life. <<

Some people are like that, I guess. But why let them do so?
As long as you are able to support yourself from your own work income, it is probably best to just tell them: I will make my own decisions, thank you.

As for investing: I would probably follow Warren Buffet’s advice: if you don’t have time or interest in analysing investments, just put any spare money into a low cost index fund. I wish I had done so decades ago: I’d be better off today!

14

Moderating:

This kind of response is not appropriate in MPSIMS. You can advise the OP to take more control of his finances without calling him names (e. g. “doormat”).

15

Nah. This is just an extreme instance of the many times she has been a germophobe. Despite all the other activities we engage in, she will not drink from anything I have already drank from. If we share one desert at a restaurant (this happens often) we cannot both eat simultaneously from the same plate. She always asks for a spare plate, puts half the dessert on that plate, and then we can both eat. she wore a full body suit with hood, goggles, gloves, shoe covers, and a breathing mask with a filter when she had to help me move into my second apartment. She near panics if she has to leave any food in any sort of plastic container in hot conditions. She always asks me if the food is still safe to eat or if chemicals from the plastic have leeched into it. Due to acid reflux, fluid often ‘goes down the wrong pipe’ when I swallow. I always cover my mouth with my arm or something other than my hand, and face away from her and any food while coughing. Failure to follow proper procedure results in her panicking and deciding any nearby food or drink is contaminated. She has many wonderful qualities. However, if you proved that you had a million dollars and would give it to her if she ate a piece of food that had fallen on the restaurant floor, she couldn’t do it.

She refused several gifts I had bought for her, not because she didn’t want them, but because they had been in my first apartment and so must be contaminated with mold spores. She’s just a germophobe.

She is willing to enter my current apartment. She dislikes all the clutter (I’m not too fond of it myself). But, I am working on that. Some of the stuff I have held onto over the years is being given to friends who want it. A ton of items that are in good condition but nor worth enough to go to the trouble of selling them are being donated to Goodwill. There is no Goodwill near me, so my beloved will transport the donations in her car.

16

Sorry to hear about everything you’re going through.

IMO your sister and sister-in-law had a point when they were concerned about the “mold removal” service. I am not saying it is necessarily true in your case, but many of those are services are scams, unfortunately.

17

It sounds like you are trying to avoid conflict. This is laudable (who wants conflict?), but sometimes conflict is inevitable. In those cases, avoiding it makes it worse. It allows the conflict to build and build, and when it finally occurs, it’s awful.

Have the difficult conversation with your sister. It won’t be nearly as bad as you think.

You are an adult who gets to make your own decisions. If your sister doesn’t like or respect that, that’s her problem, not yours. Don’t let her make it your problem. Maybe she could manage your life better than you could: so what? Loving you, caring for you, wanting the best for you—none of that gives her a right to second-guess your decisions or take over.

What she does have standing to do is express concern and flag issues that you might not see, or might not perceive correctly (some of the mental health issues you mentioned). But that’s it.

18

Oh, we did our research and interviewed them and got a quote before signing anything. As mold removers, they were great. As packers and movers, they sucked. Many things were damaged due to just being wrapped in a sheet of paper and stuck in a box. Other important things that I had specified I wanted saved were tossed.

19

If I may say so, this sounds like some sort of OCD problem?
Have you (hopefully gently) suggested talking to a doctor or qualified councellor about it?

On the other hand, it could be interpreted as a form of controlling behavior.
In which case it is up to you if you are willing to put up with it.
I don’t have any other advice other than, perhaps seek professional medical help for either or both of you?

20

She exhibits germophobia all the time around everybody. It probaly would be helped by therapy. She definitely is not doing it just to control me or anybody else.

My need for therapy is screamingly obvious. I had a good therapist and everything was going well. Then, the company she worked for suddenly declared bankruptcy and closed. I found another therapist and everything was going well. Then, my employer changed insurance providers and my therapist was out of network and unaffordable. I found a great psychiatrist (his receptionist is surly, rude and incompetent though), I tried seeing a therapist from his company. It didn’t work out. I found a different therapist. I had asked all the questions I should except one. The past 4 or 5 therapists had a copay of $60 per session. This therapist had a copay of $180. Accepting that I had screwed up and should have asked, I paid the bill and informed them that I would never be using their services again. I am currently looking for a new therapist.