Taking a day or two break from her thesis is not going to ruin everything she’s got going for her. And college (especially grad school) is not the end-all be-all of life.
If that’s how I felt that’s what I would have said, but I felt that she was wrong so that’s what I said.
My second cousin that I haven’t seen since I was 13 didn’t come to my wedding because he “just graduated college” and was “broke” and “trying to find work.” Selfish jerk! Doesn’t he know that the possibly-hurt feelings of me, his distant elder relative, are much more important than him getting his life on track? Remind me to hold his selfishness over him for the rest of his life!
Oh wait. Actually, it was not a big deal at all that my cousin I never see missed my wedding. No hard feelings.
Did you miss where the OP’s family holiday event is a 10-day process? How she wishes she could fly in, spend 1-2 days with family, and then go home, but she can’t afford it?
See, it’s not just one or two days. It’s losing the 24th through the 29th, inclusive. I can’t read or do paperwork in cars, because I get carsick. And we’ll most likely be staying four people in one hotel room, because my parents won’t pay any more for it, and again, I can’t afford to pay on my own. Yes, it’s a personal failing, but I can’t work in environments like that.
As for the relative importance, I need to go to grad school. It’s not that it’s something I’d like to do, it’s that if I have any hope of getting any sort of respectable job, I need to get a master’s degree in my chosen field. On the other hand, there’s two dozen relatives I literally haven’t seen - and most of them haven’t talked to - in a year. Ages of my generation of cousins range from 14 to 38. They all live within an hour or so of each other and see each other frequently. It’s not that I don’t like them, we’re just not close. The fact that our genes are similar doesn’t mean we’re particularly good friends or anything.
Will I someday regret not spending more time with them? I have no idea - at this point I doubt it but acknowledge it could happen. Will I deeply regret not seeing them for the appointed five hours this year? Probably not. Will I enjoy it if I go this year? Probably not. Will other people enjoy my presence? Probably not. I’m not, nor have I ever been a ‘people person’, so the chances of me being cheerful and outgoing at a big gathering when I’m already stressed about other things are minimal at best. (Preemptive response: no, I really can’t just force myself to enjoy it. I’ve tried. My options at big gatherings are “get very drunk in advance” or “not enjoy it.”)
This afternoon when I have a chunk of time I’m going to call my mom and try to get her to at least give me the chance to try to give an honest explanation. If she won’t, I might need to approach my sister (who I’m also not terribly close with) and see if she might be willing to at least act as an intermediary.
Maybe I can try to spin it as if I don’t go with them, they don’t need to board their dog in a kennel while they’re gone.
Neither is family for some people. And it’s certainly not up to any of us to decide for anyone that any one thing is more or less important than any other thing, but you’ve flat out told NinjaChick she’s wrong for feeling what she feels.
NinjaChick, my sympathies. You know you’re just going to have to make up your mind and take your lumps one way or another. Either suck it up and deal with the whole ridiculous trip (and you’re right, your family IS insane), or refuse to go and piss them off. You pays your money and you takes your choice.
Me, I’d stay home and deal with the sulking. Really, how much can they harass you once you’re back at school? (Unless there are other consequences you haven’t mentioned, of course.)
You’re gonna have to cut the cord sometime, y’know.
Best of luck with the whole, miserable mess!
I am a firm believer that once you are an adult, you get to choose your family. Usually, you choose the one that you were born into. But more than people like to admit, they aren’t really your family. Just becuase you share genes, you have no obligations to them unless you choose to. I love parts of my family, but cousins who know that I am an abomination who shouldn’t exist? Screw them.
You are in a tough spot NinjaChick, since you still depend financially on your parents. I wish you best. I know if I was you, I would refuse to go. If I wanted to spend time with people who constantly told me I wasn’t good enough, I would join Log Cabin Republicans.
Good luck with the family, but remember it’s important to stand up for yourself if they are ever going to see you as an independent person.
XJETGIRLX, you know when ten people tell you you’re drunk…
I boycotted Christmas for about a decade or so, starting while I was in college. Not just with family, in general. It was a rigamarole that I did not (and still don’t, really) have any interest whatsoever in participating in.* The major impetus, though, was avoiding the bullshit social gatherings.
I was in a situation somewhat similar to NinjaChick, except hers is much more ridiculous. I didn’t have the “excuses” of major, life-changing events needing attention, or an 8-hours-each-way trip, or spending a week (including Christmas Day) in a hotel room to see the extended family who obviously don’t care enough about her immediate family’s presence to make any effort to offer lodging or even hospitality except for a couple hours here and there. I just really, really hated it.
IMO, once a year gatherings with people that don’t know crap about me (and vice versa), with people that obviously don’t really give a crap about me given that I only see them for a few hours once a year (and vice versa) are bullshit. Buying crap for these people that I don’t know, and getting absolute crap from them because they don’t know me, is bullshit, especially when I was a broke college student. Being REQUIRED to buy gifts in fear of being subjected to emotional blackmail (as per the OP and has happened in my family) is bullshit.
It’s fine if some people, say YOU for instance, want to do that. But it’s not something that I have any interest in and I don’t for a minute regret my choice. I suppose it’s possible that someday I’ll be overcome by raging contrition, but I doubt it. It’s been almost a quarter-century, several of my extended family are already dead, and it hasn’t happened so far. And it doesn’t sound like the OP even intends a longterm boycott like I did, just a one-time pass.
I’m sure they’re lovely, interesting, wonderful, amazing people and it would absolutely have changed my life if I’d just realized that and spent those 30 hours with them.:rolleyes: They just aren’t people that I really know or have much interest in knowing.
And you know what? That’s my (and the OP’s) prerogative - and being told that makes us horrible, selfish, awful people is also bullshit. It’s just as selfish of them to act they way they do as it is for us to decline to play their game.
You’ve obviously got some issues - I can sympathize, got a few subscriptions myself. Just don’t dump 'em all on other people, m’kay?
*the last decade or so, I’ve reluctantly gone along with Xmas to make my current family happy. I still don’t see my extended family, though - just theirs.
Things like this are why I’m flying home, but taking a night in a hotel alone first to have some “just me” time. I realize this isn’t an option for the OP, but do your best to get some alone time while you’re there.
I am in a similar situation myself this year. Also going to Ohio, about 2 1/2 hours away from where you will be, Ninja Chick, for about the same space of time. I also have anxiety problems and don’t see my family in Ohio very often. In fact, this year will be even more awkward because my dad and mom may be coming to Christmas dinner, and I haven’t spoken to them in about three years. I live with my aunt and uncle and their two small children in NH. If you’re uncomfortable with a 9 hour drive with four people in a car, just think of being stuffed in a minivan for a 12+ hour drive with two small children. 
Anyway, I just dropped in to give my sympathies and let you know that you’re not the only one. I may not have a thesis or grad school apps to turn in, but I’m traveling abroad next semester and I’m in over my head with paperwork. It’s kind of lame, but I’ve decided to make “Bring it on” my catchphrase for this visit and try to detach. It’s going to be stressful and full of anxiety and I’ve decided to just accept it and go with it. After all, it’s one time a year, if that. I’d suggest you just grin and bear it and see if you can find a nearby library to hang out in and work.
On the other hand, it doesn’t seem like it should be such an issue to stay at home. But whatever you end up doing, I hope your thesis goes well and your apps are well received. I’m sure you’ll get them done somehow!
Good luck!
This bears repeating. I’m always astonished whenever someone has a gripe about their family, that another poster will come in to basically tell them how they’ll regret their actions and that their family won’t be around forever. And I always wonder how said folks don’t understand that everyone’s family isn’t necessarily Pollyanna-ish and that ocassionally, divorcing yourself from them might be the healthiest thing you can do.
Now it’s supposition to automatically assume there’s more to the story than meets the eye and usually it’s nothing as dramatic as that. However, it’s equally a supposition to automatically assume that anyone not wanting to deal with whatever headache from their family will be sorry for that choice either.
I guess the best way to avoid either of those situations is by refraining to judge another person on your own criteria. Or at least that’s how I try to look at it.
And to NinjaChick, I agree with dalej42 no matter what you decide. Because being guilt-tripped into something is rarely a good reason to do it.
Oh, and I meant to add, that even if NinjaChick might regret her decision in the future, trying to convince her otherwise would probably be best suited to doing it politely and respectfully. However, I realize that these are unbearably difficult times for XJETGIRLX and I only wish her peace.
Don’t even feel like you have to justify your decision. It’s your decision to make, and you know what’s best for you. There is nothing preposterous or disrespectful or rude or spoiled or selfish about what you are proposing. Graduate school is that important – I just turned in my applications over Thanksgiving, and I can relate to the incredible amount of stress associated with it. It took me months and months and months of every spare moment on my weekends to get everything just so. Every moment counts.
I spent Thanksgiving with the single most important family member I have, and her husband, and didn’t bother going home to see the rest. But my family doesn’t get together for holidays. We don’t do get-togethers because most everyone has disowned everyone else. Hell, we could barely manage the funeral earlier this year – it ended in lots of screaming and crying and people threatening to leave. And gasp I’m not going home for Christmas either, because I have to work and I don’t get time off until next year. But unlike your family, nobody in my family really cares, because we don’t really have a family, in the traditional sense of the word. We have a handful of people that I love and see on separate occasions on my own time.
XJETGIRLX’s perspective seems sadly narrow-minded to me. I deal with regret and consternation regarding my family all of the time. But my young uncle’s tragic death in April did not teach me to spend every spare moment I had with my family. It taught me that sometimes living with regret is better than the alternative. It affirmed my conclusion that I really need to get the hell away and wash my hands of the whole thing. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them. It means there is absolutely nothing I can do for them, and it isn’t my responsibility to make it right.
You need to put your foot down now or they will expect you to cowtow to them forever. Maybe your parents won’t speak to you for a week or a month if you skip Christmas, but eventually they’ll realize you intend live your life on your own terms, and if they love you, they will respect that.
I don’t think NinjaChick’s family’s holiday plans are that unusual. My family has similar travel plans every holiday. Plus, we also travel to see the other side of the family. There have been years where I have felt the same way as NinjaChick does now. Some of those years, I sucked it up and went. Other years, I did only what I wanted. I think both options are fine.
Your family sounds pretty normal and mostly functional (not sure about your Mom’s not listening to your request). Your family will probably never stop wanting you to participate. I hope that someday you will come to appreciate that fact for the inherent support that it is. However, you are an adult and you will need to start setting your own schedule eventually. It sounds like you have good reason for this year to be the year that you assert your own desires.
For those of you shouting that “families aren’t sunshine and roses”, not all families are manipulative and dysfunctional either. Just as it is possible that her family is unreasonable in their expectations, it is also possible that she is a stressed out college student who is being a bit of a drama queen about the normal holiday plans. I don’t think we really have enough information to distinguish these two possibilities.
I just got off the phone with my mother. She did listen, and I explained why, exactly, I’m so stressed right now, and that my desire not to go was not out of any malice or desire to hurt any feelings. She told me to try not to stress over being stressed over whether to go or not (because she knows I do stupid things like that), and that I don’t need to give her any definite decision yet (they still haven’t figured out where they’ll be staying, either). For now, she seems to want me to come, but I think she’ll understand if I don’t.
Thanks for the support, guys. I’ve come to the conclusion that sometimes, being an adult and needing to make adult decisions sucks.
As someone who shares your personality traits, I sympathize, Ninja. But I think you should really try to be a good sport about this trip. Why? Because your parents probably sense that this is the last time you’ll be tied to them during the holidays. Next year you will be in grad school and able (hopefully) to make your own travel arrangements. That won’t put an end to the guilt trips, but it will mean they won’t be able to control you. If you give in this time, then it will be easier to bail out in the future.
So this is what you should do: You tell your folks you’re game for the family stuff, but only in limited doses since you have major work to do. Be nice and friendly enough during social hour (even if you have to fake it), but then find a quiet corner and write. Make use of the hotel lobby or a hallway, if you have to. When someone invites you to join in some stupid pointless game or activity, decline politely but pop your head in every so often so that people know you’re still alive. You’ll be able to do what you have to do and accomodate your parents as long as keep your wits about you and be cool.
As anxious as you are about this, realize that it most likely won’t be as bad as you fear. There were be annoying moments and you’ll probably be dorm-sick before the end of the second day. Someone will no doubt make a stupid comment that will have you simmering for awhile. But I’m betting that by the end, you’ll realize that it wasn’t the worse way to spend a week. You may smile and laugh a little, and the food probably won’t be too bad either. Don’t sabotage yourself by being too afraid to have fun and relax.
Can you get out with the work you need to do and take it to the local library, Starbucks, whatever during those days that you’d be otherwise cooped up in the hotel? You know, after breakfast tell your folks that you’re going to Starbucks (say) for a little peace and quiet to work on your stuff but that you could meet them in time for lunch or dinner. Gives you a break from them and a chance to get the work done that you want to get done, if that environment works better for you.
Let’s be real, how much time will be spent on a grad school app? do it this weekend and that’s one of your problems gone!
Howsomever, the real point is that you want to do great things, but you don’t have the resources, and therein lies the solution to your problem. Whoever pays, picks the restaurant.
Also, it is worth your inconvenience to make your family happy.
If you can work on your thesis at home, you can do it in whatever hick town you end up in. Even in a hotel room.
You can make your family happy just by hanging around your pud relatives, and getting fed while you’re there. That’s a small price for you to pay.
From your description, it sounds like the hotel you stay in with your family (if you go) may be rather basic. However, if it has a business center, you may be able to escape to that in order to work in peace and quiet for a few hours here and there.