I have been married for 26 years now, and I liked my in-laws early on but lately I see them in a different light. My husband’s nephew started a church and most of the family attends, however, our family doesn’t. I have watched my husband’s family show favoritism toward their other sets of grandchildren, all of whom attend their church, over my own kids for many many years. I recently had to plan my son’s birthday party on the evening of one of the prayer services and I know many of the family, including my son’s grandparents will choose the prayer meeting over his party. These types of situations have caused a great deal of resentment in me toward my in-laws. Is there any advice you can give me concerning this matter?
It sounds to me like your lifestyle is not as compatible with your inlaws as some of the other relatives. The only option is either accept it or make some changes in your lifestyle.
Are your own parents equally nice to all their grandkids? Maybe you could ask them to be a bit extra nice, and accept the loss from the other side.
Also, reschedule your kids party and present your nephew with a short list of dates you plan to do event that requirest family this year. So you might have to start early thinking about how you’ll spend Christmas.
Reported for forum change.
You pick your spouse, but you certainly don’t get to pick your spouse’s family! I feel for you, I know this stuff can be hard to deal with.
That said, if religion is more important to your in-laws than family, then you either accept that and make the best of it, or you don’t accept it and become increasingly bitter over the years. And that’s your choice to make.
For what it’s worth, I grew up in a family where my father’s mother did not approve of the marriage, said horrible things to and about my mother, gave lavish birthday and Christmas gifts to my cousins - I recall one Christmas where my cousin got a Walkman and my family got a tin of biscuits. When my MIL was sick in hospital, she told all the staff about her wicked daughter-in-law, how horrible she was to her, etc etc. My mother was going in several times a week with home cooked meals for her, and it took the staff a while to realise this was the ‘wicked’ DIL. When she died, she left her estate to her daughter and nothing to my father.
However, my mother never made a big deal of it, and as a child she never said a bad word about her MIL to any of us kids. As we got older and became more aware of what was going on, she acknowledged there was a problem, but still never badmouthed her. I really admire my mother for the stand she took. She knew she wasn’t going to change her MIL, but she also decided not to let it affect any of us. And it didn’t. As we got older and wiser, it became a bit of a joke in the family and none of us kids were emotionally affected by it in any way whatsoever. Except now we have good stories to tell on internet message boards. 
Double post reported
Thank you so much for your reply! I really appreciate the depth of wisdom that you have!
Advice and opinions, IMHO. Moved from General Questions.
samclem, moderator
If you’ve been married for 26 years how old are your kids?
You can’t change them. All you can change is yourself. Basically, to either conform to your in-laws or make yourself stop caring. They’re your kids, and as long as you love them, they can deal with problems like Grandma and Granpa maybe not loving them quite as closely as the other kids. It’s unfortunate that religion gets in the way of us loving each other, but it isn’t exactly a new thing.
Just a question, does your husband agree with you that this is the case?
Dear Anaamika, yes my husband has witnessed it and has been hurt as well. My children are older now and they don’t feel very close to my husband’s parents. I don’t think that any of my children have ever even received as much as a telephone call just to check on them from my husband’s mom. They don’t just come by to visit either. They are very much involved in their church and the other set of grandchildren that they feel closer to. My husbands family is very enmeshed with each other. Guilt trips are given if our family can’t come to every holiday event. My son’s is older and many folks stop having parties when they become young adults. It has always been my husband’s family tradition to have birthday parties regardless of age. I just hate that it is just one more example to my son, that he isn’t the priority with them. He already feels that his grandparents aren’t that into him. In light of more urgent concerns in life this appears to be small, but when it comes to your children whether big or small you feel for them. My son will be surrounded by the family members on my side of the family, his friends, and some of my husbands relatives that decided to come regardless of the prayer meeting. This prayer meeting goes on every Wed. of the year. My daughter is going to be in town from college Wed. and that is the only reason why we scheduled it to be on that day. Not to mention, that is my son’s actual birthday.
Then I wouldn’t worry about it. First of all, don’t let the guilt trips work. No one is as good at them and as manipulative as family. Remember what is going on here: Prayer meetings every Wed. are apparently far more important than their own son’s birthday party, so if anyone should feel guilty, it should be them. Birthdays come only once a year.
Your son knows you love him and his family loves him. All you can do is comfort him and tell him that side of the family loves him, but they just have different priorities. How old is your son now?
And unfortunately we all can’t have the textbook relationships with our families we’d like. Be grateful they’re nice enough, and not actively trying to harm or sabotage your relationship with your husband, smile, and let it roll off you. 
You can’t control them, and you can’t control how their behaviors affect the relationship with your kids. Your kids have already internalized and dealt with the imbalance, and moved on. You should too.
It’s very powerful when we feel hurt* for* someone else. But it’s a trap. Think about it, what’s the alternative? You wave your magic wand and they begin doing just as you wish from now on. But nothing will change that they don’t feel it. That will come across in a much worse way, for your kids, in truth. Or you completely insulate them from the reality of how the Gparents feel, to spare their feelings? That just leads to a rude awakening when the truth outs, and it always outs.
Stop being more hurt, than your kids are. You don’t have the right, in my opinion.
You don’t change to fit their desires. You’re the Master and Commander of your family. If they want to participate and treat you and yours as equals, fine. If not, they should not be surprised when you do not reciprocate. At the end of the day, you don’t exist to please them.
Well, at first, I was a little put out at this post…then, I was in total agreement. Now, I think yes and no.
Here’s the deal, IMHO-the other kids are closer to paternal grandparents. What’s wrong with that? Perhaps this kind of thing should be explained to the kids. Propinquity and like values are the breeding ground for this closeness. I don’t think it would necessarily mean that the grandparents despise your kids, it just means that they are not as close, and, not being close, there is less a bond of affection.
I suspect that the kids are loved, just in a different way. No reason to make a federal case out of it.
So, point being that you are the Master and Commander(ess) of your family. And, if you want to make accommodations, do so. If not, don’t. Apparently, you are doing so already. You value your sister over them, or you would have made it some other night. What crime have you, or they, committed? No reason to hate. If the traditional family connections are lacking, teach your kids to go with the flow, not to pine for something that won’t happen. (I’m also wondering if hubby may need to learn that lesson.)
Quite by chance, moments ago, I just got through watching “The Sopranos”. 