Jeez, how many people are in this family?
You said you were a professor. Do you have skills? - i.e. if you teach computer science you could contract for six months as a developer. If you teach math, you could tutor and substitute teach for the rest of the school year. Think about your options for the next six months, it may be possible for you to figure out a way to make it that long without having the stress of working for your father.
I may just tough it out for 6 months. I stood up to him last month about his behavior at that moment he was elevated. He has toned it down since then. But I just keep going back to that day he shit me on me. I can’t get over it. We never had a man to man talk about everything. He never apologized. He is expecting I stay for another year and half at the minimum. That is what I told I him I would do. But things have changed since then.
At least think about options, if he pulls it again and you know you can walk into a tutoring job and get the bills paid for the next six months, it will give you a lot of self confidence and a choice to decide whether to walk out.
This cooter At 1:30 she asks people to punch Charlene in the cooter.
In my opinion you have two reasonable choices; either leave NOW; or have that man to man conversation with him NOW and inform him that the next time he gets abusive you will walk out the door on the spot. And if he does get abusive again, walk out the door like you said you would and don’t go back.
Okay,
I think that makes sense. But do I tell him I stay 6 months or 1 year and 6 months assuming he is not abusive?
That sounds good in principle but hard to do in practice, especially if the OP has dependents.
OP, I’m glad you’ve already confirmed your old job from August. Do look at other options to fill the gap but if you do have to stay, at least you know it’s for a much shorter period and that should make it more bearable.
How does your dad treat the other employees?
You don’t tell him anything about that. It sounds like a guarantee, which you shouldn’t be giving him. He is on , probation.
If you want to go back to the university, tell him you’re leaving in August. There’s no need for a long drawn out explanation.
If you want, tell him you miss teaching more than you thought and you have the chance to go back to it.
When I first started he was being kind of crazy over the phone with me and another employee. I asked the ex employee after the call if he always like that. He said he was worse last winter (when he had back pain and needed surgery) and it is very stressful. The employee before him worked for 5 years. He had a child and my dad gave him one week off. The employee started talking back to him in the office, leaving the office for extended periods without telling anyone etc after that. I remember my father telling me about it. But at the time time I did not realize this employee was revolting. Makes sense now. I don’t know about the others. I do know employees hardly last more than two years. My father always said they learn a lot and then move on to the bigger financial companies.
todd, from your first post, the subtext to your question was screaming at full volume at me: your dad is a jerk who has almost certainly been a jerk all your life, and it has left a mark on you in ways you might not fully realize.
What was readily apparent to me was a situation that give a very strong appearance of codependency. That means, in general, that someone has a strong urge to put aside concerns about their own self interest (or even self worth) in favor of making sure that someone else has their needs met. The kicker is that the other person is almost always somebody who isn’t deserving of your help: they might be alcoholics, they might be abusive, they might be manipulative, they might be controlling – but they are definitely troubled. What you see in these sort of relationships is that one person – in this case, probably you – is uncontrollably attracted to involving themselves in the life of a person that they will never, ever be able to fix.
Here’s my opinion: the job issue is a big problem, but I think it pales in comparison to the real issue. I’m not sure of the background of your life and your issues with your father, but I think the only way out of being codependent is to seek therapy… not because someone is weak or broken, but because a therapist can help provide the tools to break out of a person’s inclination to repeat poor histories with one’s family or loved ones.
Good luck.
Ravenman,
You speak the truth. I have a chronic illness and it is probably related to my personality to live for other people. Thank you for your insight.
You do not give him a deadline, none at all.
Doing so is an excuse for further procrastination.
Leave, and now, do it at any time of day, whatever is the absolute most inconvenient, and finally tell him, do it any way you wish but be as plain as the language he has used on you.
What he is actually doing is asserting his personal ownership of you - you are his son and you should be grateful, and he can do anything he wants - that’s where he is coming from. How long do you want to be his pet that he can beat, he is nothing more than an abusive person - wonder what his relationship is with others in our family.
Do not argue with him, do not discuss anything with him - tell him absolutely straight, no chance of going back, not even slightly.
He will try to use emotional blackmail, he will make promises, none of it means anything, he thinks you are his personal property to do with as he pleases.
The fact that you have a very good career without his input, at a level that he cannot begin to comprehend shows that he no longer has any control over you, and he wants it back badly
I deal with bullies every single working day of my life - personally, I do know exactly how to deal, and its not by physical force - he has his social circle, and the way to do it is to strip their illusions of him as a great guy - bullies are often like that.
Explain to them, and the rest of your family what his behaviour is like when they are out of sight.
Okay, so what are you going to do about it?
I am going to have the man to man talk. casdave makes some good suggestions too. I will incorporate that when I talk to him. I post after it all goes down. Thank you
If you do decide to punch him in the cooter, leave my name out of it.
ETA: Please.
Good advice.
And if your “chronic Lyme disease” was diagnosed by a “Lyme-literate physician” (or a non-physician), think about getting an accurate diagnosis by an evidence-based M.D.
Will your university give you some summer or modular courses so you have some income before beginning the fall semester?
My department gives priority to professors (over adjuncts) who wish to pick up some classes between semesters. You might also want to look into adjuncting at another college to stay afloat.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Years ago I worked for a small company owned by an alcoholic couple who hated each other and we all got treated to daily raging fights between them; 25-years later I still have stress dreams that I’m back in that hellhole. Workplace crap is damaging, get out as soon as possible.