My dad was an abusive alcoholic who beat my mother until she finally left him when I was 5. I carried around a lot of bitterness and anger for many years and refused to see him or talk to him from the time I was about 14 until 2010 when his mother passed away. At that point after much agonizing I went to visit his family in Arizona for the first time in over 20 years.
I’m so glad I went on that trip because I realized that in my bitterness and anger I had also cut out the rest of my family on that side. I visited with cousins, aunts and uncles that had been missing me but were so understanding about what I had dealt with because alcoholism, depression and schizophrenia run rampant in that family. I had been dreading seeing my dad and debating on whether or not to even tell him I was coming. My aunt helped me make that decision and we called him (on his prepaid cell that she paid for) and met with him for lunch.
He was living in a group home…a step away from being homeless, and he looked like a homeless person. Seeing him was such a shock because I’d given him so much power in my life…letting him be my excuse for being angry and bitter…seeing him…that wasted shell of a man just melted the anger into something more like pity. I realized that his whole life was spent self medicating for mental illness. I’m not excusing his abusive behavior, but I decided at that moment to let go of the anger and forgive him.
We ate our lunch at a fast food restaurant because there was no way we could take him anywhere else. His gift to me was staying sober until lunchtime and he already had the shakes. He told me I was beautiful and gave me a hug and said he’d missed me. I showed him pictures of my own son. We talked a bit, and at the end of the meal when we asked him if there was anything we could get for him, thinking, you know, food, clothes, hygiene products, etc…he asked me to buy him a “pint” :rolleyes:. I refused and we dropped him off at a supermarket so he could figure out how to get his own booze since there was no way in hell I would buy it. He hugged me and said “I love you {sister’s name}” :rolleyes:
As sad as that visit was, it was my last visit with him, he died the following year and I am so glad that I got to see him and get rid of the anger and understand him a bit better. Now when my own son asks me if I have a dad I can remember some of the good stuff, like how he was a very smart, even brilliant man. He taught me how to play chess. He was a great mechanic. He was handsome when he was younger and my son has his eyes.
And when he died I mourned. Not for the angry, abusive asshole, but for the glimpses of the brilliant, loving father that I didn’t have.
I understand the pain involved, but this day isn’t about ourselves and our problems, it’s supposed to be a celebration of good Fathers.
Should we do dirtbag Moms next Mothers day?
Shakes, are you my mom? “Shut up, keep smiling and don’t bother the adults. It only affects you [because you’re the only one who can’t drink your misery away] and you’re not supposed to be here anyway, so shut up.”
It’s not like we’re posting our tales of woe and hijacking the celebratory threads. This is a separate thread for those of us who find this to be a difficult day. I don’t know why you’re taking this so personally, but the only one pissing in anybody’s Cheerios is you.
I will go and see my family for Father’s Day, out of obligation to my mom. My father ignored me all of my life. I think it would have been easier if he were an absent father. Not that he’s consistently a shitty father, he adores my brother.
I asked my mom recently to remind my dad that he has a daughter. She sighs. “He’s very busy, you know.” “For the last forty years, Mom?”
What the hell kind of thing to say? You had a shitty mom? You can feel free to start a thread. olive is not obligated to feel sad by anyone else’s expectations or rules.
It’s got to be extremely hard for people to be reminded about what a raw deal they got with their dads, today in particular. Have some compassion. No one’s begrudging anyone else a happy Father’s Day or a good dad. For the people who need it, this is a good place to lament their own losses.
I have given you a warning for being a jerk. Since I’d already issued a mod note recommending that people back off negative comments, it was a really bad idea to drop this turd into the thread.
After being silenced for far too many years I will talk about what I need to, when I need to, regardless of what the calendar says. I don’t recall my parents stopping their abuse on holidays.
No, instead we should bag on people who were abused and neglected by the people who were supposed to love and protect and take care of them, and who can’t even look at their damn FB for the past week without having rubbed in their faces what awesome parents other people had. :dubious:
These folks venting their pain doesn’t take anything away from my Father’s Day. Olives ain’t exactly slapping the phone out of my hand so I can’t call my dad, ya know? If anything, stuff like this really hammers home what a good father I lucked into having and makes me appreciate him even more.