So, what’s the difference between a Scot and a Rolling Stone?
A Rolling Stone says, “Hey, You! Get offa my cloud!”
While a Scot says, “Hey, MacCloud! Get offa my ewe!”
Doctors say that alcohol kills brain cells. But it’s been my observation that beer can actually increase your intelligence.
I mean, it made Budweiser.
The Beatles are playing an outdoor concert in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. The vibrations of their music cause a rockslide. As the audience runs in terror, Paul McCartney turns to John Lennon and says: “I told you to watch out for the Rolling Stones!”
I heard it first as:
Two apples are henging out on the tree. One turns to the other and says, “sure is gettin’ cold out here.” The other says:
“HOLY FUCK! A TALKING APPLE!”
The medical term for a male to female sex change?
Lopitoffamy
Female to male?
Addadictamy
What’s the difference between elephants and grapes?
They’re both purple, except for the elephants.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming down the mountain?
“Here come the elephants.”
What did Jane say when he saw the elephants coming down the mountain?
“Here come the grapes.” (Jane’s colorblind.)
How do you fit four elephants in a VW bug?
Two in the front, one in the back, one in the glove compartment.
How can you tell if there’s an elephant in your refridgerator?
There’s a set of footprints in the butter.
How can you tell if there are two elephants in your refridgerator?
There’re two sets of footprints in the butter.
How can you tell if there are three elephants in your refridgerator?
There’re three sets of footprints in the butter? Nope, the door won’t close.
How can you tell if there are four elephants in your refridgerator?
There’s a VW bug parked in your driveway.
Best told in rapid-succession.
How do you make a cat go “woof”?
Douse him in gasoline and throw on a match. WOOF!!
How do you make a dog go “meow”?
Put him in deep freeze for a few days, then run him through a band saw. MEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOW!!
Yeah, I know. I’m going to hell.
Grrr. “refrigerator”.
So this guy really wants a divorce, but he recently lost his job and can’t afford one. He decides to take out a huge insurance policy on his wife, then have her killed so he can get the money. He mentions this plan to his best friend, who tells him he knows just the guy for the job, a hitman named Artie.
The guy goes to meet Artie, and tells him that he wants his wife killed. Artie tells him that it’ll cost $5000, but the guy doesn’t have that kind of money. He asks if he can make a down payment and give Artie the rest after he gets the insurance money, and Artie agrees. So the guy opens his wallet, but it turns out that he only has one buck on him. Artie says that will work fine as a down payment, and takes the dollar.
The next day Artie follows the wife to the grocery store and strangles her in the frozen food section. The store manager witnesses the attack, and Artie has no choice but to kill him too. Unfortunately for Artie, the whole crime was caught by the security cameras and Artie is immideatly arrested. The next day the headline in the paper reads:
ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SHOPRITE
So, a termite walks into a bar and says “So, where’s the bar tender?”
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts!
What’s green and brown, and if it falls out of a tree it could kill you?
A pooltable.
An elderly gentleman, in his mid 90’s, with hair well groomed, a great looking suit, a flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a very nice after shave, and presenting a well-cared-for image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar, an elderly lady, mid 80’s, also well dressed and attractive is sitting alone.
The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says…
“So tell me, do I come here often?”
What does a WASP order to drink at his favorite bar?
The usual.
How can you tell which one is the bride at a WASP wedding?
She’s the one wearing the long white dress.
Stolen from the Monty Python marathon on BBC America this weekend:
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
What’s ET short for?
Cause he’s got little legs.
Two birds were standing on a perch.
One says to the other " Do you smell fish?"
Two fish were in a tank. One turns to the other and says " Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Two cows were in a field. One cow says"Moooooo" The other cow says “Hey, I was gonna say that.”
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the forest?
How long is a guy from China?
Well he is.
I had to say that one out loud before it clicked. I like the chess joke, I had to laugh out loud on that one!
I always like to follow this one up with: "Céline Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, why the long face?”
I’ve always heard the answer to this one was “To get to the same side.”
And finally a couple of my favorite groaners:
Did you hear about the constipated Mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.Why don’t cannibals like to eat clowns?Because they taste funny.
So I come home from work tonight and all my stuff is out on the lawn. Clothes, records, the whole nine yards in a big pile. My wife comes out on the porch and starts yelling at me, I sez to her, “What the hell is this about?”
She says, “I’m kicking you out! Everyone in the neighborhood is saying you’re a pedophile!”
I said to her, “Pedophile, eh? That’s a mighty big word for a twelve year old.”
Okay, this one really only works verbally (spelling reasons), so say it out loud, will ya?
Q: Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
A: Because if they had four, they’d be chicken sedans!
Didja hear that the Empire State Building only has 48 floors? They’d have made it 49, but that’s another story.
Not really a joke but I read this the other day I thought it was very funny:
It’s not rape, It’s surprise sex!