Clerk asks shopper how his shopping trip was like a football team.
“What?” asks shopper.
The clerk hands him his change and says “You’re getting a quarter back.”
And yet another one: I was driving across Alaska to deliver a truckload of coughdrops to a remote community. As I had a cough myself I’d snitched a packet of cough drops from my cargo and was keeping it in my shirt pocket.
My truck blew a tire. It was night and too dark to fix the tire. However, in the distance, on a hillside, I saw a cabin. I thought maybe I could spend the night there. I went to the cabin which proved to be abandoned. But never mind; I soon built a roaring fire in the fireplace and, using my coat as a pillow, went to sleep in front of the fire.
All was well…until the thud. I awoke and then there was another thud. And then I saw it. Coming out of the gloom in one of the dark corners of the cabin, it was a coffin. It moved towards me as I ran from it, around and around the room. It made no sound, just floated towards me as I tried to escape. I ran all over that cabin. I jumped over furniture but that thing wouldn’t quit chasing me. Finally I somehow got the door open and ran down the hill. You would think I had escaped then, but the coffin came down the hill after me.
I slipped on the snow and ice and the coffin was getting closer. In desperation I started climbing a pine tree. I never knew how fast I could climb until that day. But when I looked down, the coffin was quickly moving up the tree after me.
Then I remembered something. I reached into my shirt pocket, grabbed a coughdrop, and popped it into my mouth. And would you know? The coffin stopped!
Why did the pervert cross the road?
He was stuck to the chicken.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
I love it! That was a new one on me.
My favorite semi-random joke:
What’s the difference between a duck?
One leg is the same as the other.
And one to go with your name, Go You Big Red Fire Engine :
Me: Ask me if I’m a firetruck.
You: Are you a firetruck?
Me: Yes, I am. Now ask me if I’m an ambulance.
You: Are you an ambulance?
Me: No, you idiot. I jus told you I’m a firetruck.
And this one best told shortly, but not immediately after:
Me: Ask me if I’m a strawberry.
You: Are you a strawberry?
Me: (with a totally blank look) No.
Disclaimer: The above jokes are much funnier if told after about 72 hours of sleep deprivation and obscene amounts of coffee.
“Ask me what’s the most important thing in comedy.”
“Okay: What’s the most imp—”
“TIMING!!!”
Guy joins a monistary and is told he may speak only two words at the end of each year for three years.
End of year one- “Food cold”
End of year two-“Bed hard”
End of year three-“I quit”
Monsignore says “Doesn’t supprise me one bit, you have been doing nothing but biching sinse you got here”
what did the one snowman say to the other snowman?
hey, do you smell carrots?
how many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
two, but who knows how they got in there.
guy walks up to a pharmacist and asks “hey, do you have any sex-lax?”
the pharmacist says “don’t you mean ex-lax?”
no, says the guy, i don’t have any trouble going.
what is a priest’s favouriote meat?
nun
where do park benches sleep?
underneath homeless people.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t get down from an elephant, you get down from a duck.
What is purple and swings through the jungle?
Tarzan the Grape man
What is purple and goes slam, slam, slam, slam?
a four door grape
A duck walked into a bar and said “Ouch!”
A lot of people I’ve told this to took a few seconds to get it. :rolleyes:
What goes ‘clip clop clip clop clip clop BAM BAM BAMBAMBAM BAM BAMBAM clip clop clip clop clip clop’?
An Amish drive-by shooting.
My husband, a researcher, usually goes to the gym, showers and gets dressed there, then goes to work. Instead of going straight to the office one day this week, he came home, explaining that he’d forgotton to bring a belt. I told him he could have just explained to his coworkers that they’d won the “No Belt Peak Surprise.”
A columnist wrote a little piece in our newspaper about how there are more swingers in our Bible Belt town than you might expect. He missed a great opportunity to coin a collective noun (you know, a “flock of seagulls,” a “pride of lions” etc.) and call our town a “hotbed of swingers.”
I remember when they were first planning the state quarters. My then SO (now hubby) was telling me about it and how he thought it was pretty cool. I was not very impressed, figuring the government has way more important stuff to focus on. He said “I guess you’re not an agent of change, huh?”
GROAN! By the way, I got him a little folder at Wal-Mart and he is now collecting all of the quarters 
I forget if I’ve shared this here before, but it cracks me up, and it’s worth it to watch people’s expressions change as they get it.
How many boring people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One.
In the tense moments before his company’s first battle, a private realizes he’s missing his gun. He asks his captain what he should do. The captain, being a busy guy that didn’t particularly like the private, gives him a gun-shaped stick and begins to walk away.
The private asks, “how do I use it?”
The captain says, “Just point it at them and say ‘bangity-bang-bang,’ if you need to use the bayonnet, say ‘stabbity-stab-stab.’”
The battle begins and the enemy starts advancing on the private’s position. He nervously raises the gun and points it at his nearest opponent. He says, “bangity-bang-bag,” and suddenly the enemy soldier is hit and falls down. Excited, the private begins shooting all over.
“bangity-bang-bang”
“bangity-bang-bang”
But the enemies are getting too close. One runs toward the private, so he pokes him with the stick and says “stabbity-stab-stab.” It works! The enemy is ripped to shreds.
The private continues to fight with a “stabbity-stab-stab” and “bangity-bang-bang.”
Pretty soon, there’s only one enemy solider left on the field. The private takes careful aim at him and says “bangity-bang-bang.”
Nothing happens.
He tries again, “bangity-bang-bang.”
Nothing.
So he runs up to the guy and pokes him yelling, “stabbity-stab-stab.”
Nothing.
Then the enemy soldier steps on the private, completely obliterating him. The enemy soldier says “tankity-tank-tank.”
ahem A few one liners that make me groan every time I hear them.
Don’t let your meat loaf.
Don’t let your shoe lace.
Don’t let your ass crack.
What’s up? Chicken butt.
Guess who? Chicken poo.
A man walks into a bar. On the wall, there’s a sign that says, “Ham sandwiches: $2, Turkey sandwiches: $5, Handjobs: $10”. He turns to the bartender and says, “Excuse me? Are you the one who gives the handjobs?” She replies proudly, “Why yes, that would be me!” He says, “Well, wash your hands, I want a ham sandwich.”
What’s orange, and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
A lunatic escapes from the asylum, breaks into a nearby laundry, rapes the women working there and makes his escape. The headline in the newspaper the next day read:
NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The interrupting cow.
The interrupti-
MOO!
Little Timmy is getting ready to mow the lawn. He needs to put gas in the lawnmower so he gets the gas can out and has just unscrewed the lid when the phone rings. He runs in to answer the phone and when he comes out he discovers that his dog has knocked over the can of gasoline and is busy drinking its contents.
“Stop,” yells Timmy, running towards the dog. Suddenly the dog takes off running down the street. Timmy chases it. The dog runs around and around the block, with Timmy trying to catch it.
Timmy is near exhaustion when suddenly the dog keels over and lies motionless. “Spot! Wake up!” yells Timmy. The dog doesn’t move. Timmy picks it up and carries it to a nearby vet’s office.
“Is my dog dead?” sobs Timmy.
The vet glances at the dog and says “No. Looks to me like he just ran out of gas.”
Rudolph is a high ranking communist party official in Soviet Russia.
One day he looks out the window, then tells his wife “It’s raining.”
“That’s sleet,” says his wife.
“It’s rain,” says Rudolph.
“Looks like sleet to me,” his wife insists.
Rudolph turns to his wife and announces: “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”