Favorite horrible jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

A woman grows up in a very small town, then sets off into the world. A few years later, she returns with her boyfriend to introduce him to the town. As they walk down the main street, they see an old policeman leaning against a building.

“Hello!” the boyfriend cheerfully said.

“Up yours!” the policeman replies.

The man was taken aback and looked to his girlfriend for help. “Oh, don’t worry,” she said, “that’s just Edward. Hello, Edward!”

“Getcher friggin’ umbrella out!” he called back.

The boyfriend looked up into the clear blue sky puzzled as the woman scrambles for a small umbrella in her purse. No sooner does she pull it out over them, it starts pouring, soaking everything instantly.

The man was amazed. “That was incredible!” he said. “How on Earth did he do that?”

“Oh, that was nothing,” she smiled. “Rude officer Ed knows rain, dear.”

82

These have to go hand in hand.
Two seals walk into a club. :o

83

Of course, this is to be immediately followed up with:

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

The interrupting coefficient of friction.

The interrupti-

MU!

84

Here’s a bad joke that I accidentally made working at the grocery store.

A lady came in during January and asked me why we got rid of the christmas rack with all the nutmeg, thyme, cinnamon, and sage.

I said because it was a seasonal display.

85

There are a ton of these, but: Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?

Because she was a woman.

I’ll probably get flamed for that.

86

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

rimshot

87

I made up one.

Q: What is the biggest gland in the world?
A: England

Sorry British Dopers

88

I kinda made this one up …

Q: Did you hear about the drummer who had deja vu?
A: There were serious repercussions.

89

My ten year old’s favorite:

What do you get when you cross a canteloupe and a grapefruit?

A can-a-fruit (can of fruit, get it, get it?) :smack:

90

What do you get if you cross Lassie with a canteloupe?

A melancholy dog.

91

And while we’re on the subject of melons:

What did the boy melon say to the girl melon?

“Hondeydew you want my love?”
What did the girl melon say to the boy melon?

“Canteloupe now, my Dad’s watching.”

92

Since we’re doing jokes we made up ourselves… here goes:

Last year 327 people died on Australia’s roads. Also last year, 642 people jammed their fingers in drawers.

Conincidence?***
I think not.

93

And just to finish off…
How can you tell if there is an elephant in your bed?

He’s the one with the big E on his pajamas.

94

My favorite elephant joke:

Why are elephants big, grey, and wrinkled?

Because if they were small, white, and smooth, they’d be aspirin.

A couple more for good measure:

Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries.

And one I read just recently:

I’m not very lucky with the ladies, so I recently bought a book called “How to Woo.” Turns out it was Volume 2 of the Chinese phone book.

95

Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1
I.V. League

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope

Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it’s less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 megahurtz

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond

A Half-Bath: 1 demijohn

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

Given the old adage “a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step,”
the first step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

365.25 days: 1 unicycle

2200 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

1 million billion picolos: 1 gigolo

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

10 millipedes: 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent

10 monologs: 5 dialogs

5 dialogs: 1 decalog

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

2 wharves: 1 paradox

96

So Guy decides to build a brick wall to separate his garden from his lawn. Browsing the local store revealed there were some hard choices ahead. Instead of just one type of brick, they had red, yellow and blue bricks. Since Guy doesn’t know anything about bricks, he asks an employee how he can tell which brick is the best. Employee says, “Why, you toss it in the air of course. The better a brick is, the longer it will take to come back down.”
Guy ponders this for a second, then walks over to the red bricks. He picks one up and tosses it up as hard he can. A minute later, it lands at his feet. Pretty impressive, he thinks. Then he walks over to the yellow bricks, tossing one up in the air. He watches it for a bit, then goes to get a drink. As he gets back, the yellow brick lands at his feet. Thinking nothing can beat that, he almost buys the yellow bricks, but then remembers the blue bricks. Doubting they’ll stay up longer then the yellow, he picks one up and tosses it up.

97

Bad Taste Alert:

What do you call an abortion in Prague?

A cancelled Czech.

98

A Czech and a Hungarian go to the zoo. “I dare you to go into the lion pen” says the Hungarian.

“Darers go first,” says the Czech.

“I’ll go if you go,” replies the Hungarian so they both jump into the lion exhibit. Immediately the lioness grabs the Hungarian and devours him while the lion gets the Czech.

People are screaming and the zookeeper comes running. “What happened?” he yells.

“A Czech and a Hungarian went into the lion pen,” a witness stammers. “The lioness got the Hungarian and the Czech is in the male.”

99

Me doofus. Me no get joke. Husband not get joke either. Him doofus too.

100

I think it’s along the same lines as this joke:

How do you keep an a**hole in suspense?

…I’ll tell you later.

Get it now?