So you’re saying I’m an asshole???
Oh. OK, I guess I get what it’s supposed to be about. Ha. Ha. (Kind of loses something if it has to be explained, I guess.)
In the interest of being productive, I’ll add this one, which is my current fave. I think I read it over on Fathom.
A guy comes home at 2 am, stinking drunk, with a duck under his arm. His wife meets him at the door and angrily confronts him.
Wife: Where the hell have you been?!
Man: I think you should know that this is the pig I’ve been fucking.
Wife (confused): That’s not a pig, it’s a duck.
Man: I wasn’t talking to you.
There’s a man on a place who takes out a nice cigar and proceeds to smoke it. A flight attendant comes by and tells him that he’s not allowed to smoke on the plane and that he’ll have to throw the cigar out the window. The man sighs and complains a bit, but finally throws it out the window. Later, as the flight attendant is passing out lunch, she notices the man is tearing up his roll and feeding something under his shirt. Thinking she was mad to have ever thought that this was the way to see the world and deciding to find a nice, safe desk job, she walks over to the man. “Sir, what are you hiding in your shirt?” “A duck,” he responds. She explains to him that animals must be checked. “Put my duck in STORAGE?!,” the man exclaims, “Never. He’s my friend, my buddy!” The flight attendant tries to explain that if he doesn’t check his animal, the only other option is to throw the duck outside. After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, the man decides he’ll throw the duck out the window. Afterwards, he slowly makes his way to his seat, sits, and looks out the window. What he sees amazes him.
What does he see?
[spoiler]THE BLUE BRICK
This is the kind of joke where you tell the first part about a week before you tell the second part. It’s soooo fun to tell, especially to people who overanalyze.
It’s been awhile since I’ve heard it though, so I’m not sure how well I told it.[/spoiler]
As a kid, we told it this way:
A polar bear and a duck are sitting in a bath. The polar bear says to the duck “pass the soap please.” The duck responds, what do you think I am, a radio?
Both versions are [COLOR=Black]funny!
Another bad joke from childhood:
What’s blue and comes in brownies?
A certain Shaolin temple is known for its monks only being able speak two words every ten years. After ten years, one of the monks walks into the head monk’s office and says, “Food bad,” and leaves.
Ten years later, he walks into the head monk’s office again and says, “Bed hard,” and leaves.
Ten more years later, he walks in and says, “I quit!”
The head monk calmly responds:
“That’s no surprise. You’ve been complaining since you got here.”
Now that I see the second part, I remember that I’ve seen that joke before too. But the version I heard didn’t have different-colored bricks, and I think the reason for tossing a brick in the air was different. Second, the person telling it would always tell the second part RIGHT AWAY, Achren!! And third, the final punchline of the other version has the duck flying alongside the plane with the brick in its mouth, or beak, or bill. Whatever.
My God it’s late. I’m amazed I can still type. Hope this makes some kind of sense.
A family in Stalinist Russia has a parrot. They teach it a lot of dirty jokes about Stalin and the parrot learns to repeat all of them.
One day someone leaves the window open and the parrot flies out. Frantic, the family runs down to the KGB office and tells the officer on duty their parrot got loose.
“What am I supposed to do? I don’t have your bird,” the KGB officer complains.
“Never mind, he’ll turn up sooner or later,” the father replies. And when he does, we just want you to know that we don’t share his opinions."
Princess Potato is getting about marrying age, so King Potato starts checking out the available Princes in neighboring kingdoms. Princess Potato says, “I can’t marry any of them Father, I’m already in love.”
Ok, I get the first one… but how does the 2nd one end? “F*cks defiance”? (like “the fiance”? But they’re married if they’re divorcing, so they’re not fiance and fiancee anymore.
